shocked & so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
shocked & so confused
33
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 3:10pm
has anyone out there had this happen to them?

i have been dating a wonderful guy for about 3 months....we met thru mutual friends and he has been wooing me and treating me like a queen....with wonderful dates, flowers, phone calls the works....he was always very affectionate and protective of me and made me feel so safe. he is 29 and i am 26. i have not had a relationship for the past 3 years after i broke off a long 6 year relationship that was not healthy. i thought i was finding in him all of the things missing from my past relationship and i thought it was so healthy to be in a mutually respectful relationship.

i let him take the lead and tried not to be too available....but we grew closer....we had a wonderful date one friday night into saturday....he even bought me a toothbrush to keep at his house and asked me to go on a trip with him...then the very next day he starts acting all weird and pulling away...so i called him on it and he says that he does not see a future with me...that we would probably break up in six months to a year and this will hurt less...

i have never been more shocked...i did not see this coming...he told me he wanted a relationship....i am still reeling for this and trying to make some sense out of it.

he has emailed me a couple of times a week later just to see how i was..then called me twice...once i let it go to voicemail and once i answered....

why did he contact me....what does he want....what did i do wrong....i really thought we had something good going and cant understand how his feelings could have just switched off like that....when i asked him about this he just said it happened and he did not know why.

i guess i should consider myself lucky that i did not get in any deeper....but all his friends were telling me that he has never felt like a girl like he did about me...was he just scared....will he try to come back....should i answer his calls if he calls again or just ignore him....it does make it harder for me when i hear from him...have not heard a word since sun night so maybe he is done with me....i am just so sad....he always said how much he missed me when we were not together...since i miss him...is he missing me..

any advice from guys or girls would be much appreciated.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 12:47pm
It is comforting to see and be able to talk to others dealing with such similar scenarios. These commitment phobic guys definitely have very common traits, it's almost like they could just be the same guy. Like many, I initially went over all the things I thought I could have done differently and drove myself crazy for a few days and then I realized the problem was with him and that even if I had been "perfect" he still would have found fault with me and the relationship and broken things off.

I also believe there are great guys out there, I'm still cautious in the beginning, I don't think you should go into anything headfirst but you can't assume the next guy will be like the last. I think you should go with your instinct, I ignored some red flags in the beginning. I am willing to take a chance on another relationship and give someone my heart but I want to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 1:52pm
can you tell me what some of those red flags were that you saw and ignored early in the relationship....i am going back over things and i cant seem to find any red flags in my relationship with him and that scares me...i thought i was taking things slow...he was the one speeding things up...i just want to be more careful next time...but the crazy thing is i thought i was being careful this time....that is kind of scary
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 2:18pm
Well, him speeding things up is in and of itself a red flag. Someone who is really emotionally healthy and mature *knows* that it takes time to build a good r'ship.

I would suggest reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. It deals with commitment phobia, but has a great chapter on possible red flags in the beginning of a r'ship and how to respond to specific behaviors. It's great advice for anyone who is dating, even if a particular guy you're dating doesn't have commitment issues.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 7:51pm
you have a good point about his speeding things up...but since i have not been in a new realationship since i was 18 i had nothing to compare it with....i will definitelly pick up that book and read it...i still have alot to learn...off to the bookstore tonight...thanks again...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 6:11pm
My ex sounds like the same committment phobic type, so much so that it too is shocking. I'm confused also since I never asked for a committment. I thought *I* was the afraid one in the relationship. It really helps to hear that other people ended it so unexpectedly. I guess that might be better than dragging it out over a long period of time. I just don't know. What is with the three month mark anyway? Argh. Next up, huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:09am
well fate...here is what is up with the 3 month mark....that is the time that dating usually is expected to turn into a relationship and to a committment phobic guy relationship means forever and the thought of forever makes them panic....

i did not know too much about my guys past dating history and this is crucial to know these things.....now i am finding out that this seems to be his pattern..

these guys do want to find lasting love...or at least they think they do...so they are on an endless quest to find the perfect....but the more perfect the woman, the more he sees wife...and that scares him to death....

leaving woman dazed and confused....on how someone who was so into you is now so NOT into you....

i just hope that the next time i can recognize the red flags before i start to give away my heart...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:00pm
I couldn't believe it when I read your description of what happened to you. It was almost exactly what happened to me last Wednesday after dating a guy for 8 months. He asked me to go on vacation that very day and had written me countless emails about how I was the best girlfriend, blah blah blah. Then a couple of hours later he was breaking up with me because he thought "it was the right thing". And after that he's been writing emails - some to see how I'm doing, some to tell me he's thinking about me and some just about nothing. I've come to realize that he is just immature and selfish. The person who responded first told you that one day he realized he was going to have to deal with you on a real, day-to-day basis and that was too much for him. That's what happened with us. He loved me when we were having fun, watching movies, going to baseball games, going to the beach - stuff like that. But when it came to doing anything besides having fun, he felt like it was a lot of work. I think you should be glad you found out when you did that he is a guy who can't trust with your feelings because he's too uncommitted and fickle to want to work things out. When things get even remotely complicated, he wants to run - and things will inevitably get that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:20pm
I think the pursuing heavily is probably the biggest factor, I let him make the moves in the beginning and he pursued me, it felt great but looking back...

I think my ex also has a repeat pattern of this behavior, when he did mention some of his ex girlfriends in the past the way he talked about things gave me the impression that he had dated these girls for maybe a year or two, but once he mentioned his longest relationship being 8 months I realized these were probably just the same type of intense short term relationships.

On another note, no contact is the way to go definitely. I called him yesterday (in a temporary state of relapse) and left a message saying that I wanted to be friends, he said he wanted to hang out and be friends so I was willing to open the door for that possibility. It had been a week since we had spoken, I was doing fine until yesterday for some reason. Well, here I am not feeling like an idiot because he has not called me back and I'm pretty sure he won't. I really don't want to get back together with him (he is damaged goods in my book), but when you're ignored it sort of compounds any of what you were feeling before. I am on the path to being over him though, each day is getting better, last night was a little bit of a setback. So, no contact is best :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 7:17pm
Hon, he could be an abusive man. I say this because abusive men start out very sweet and do all the things that make women happy. Then as time goes by, they start to display abusive qualities. One minute they can be very nice and the next very hurtful.

This guy has done a u-turn with you and has caused you great pain and confusion, just what he wants to do. He wants to hurt you.

He can't be that dumb or unaware of how he has made you feel. He is keeping you guessing as to why he is doing this.

If you start to withdraw from him, he may turn sweet again to get you back. If he does, this over and over again, giving you the sweet treatment and than the hurtful treatment, you know for sure he is an abusive personality. Drop him completely.

If you continue to stay with him, the abuse will escalate to outright physical violence and maybe death.

At any rate, maybe you should move on whether or not he is abusive. You wouldn't want to keep being treated so badly. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:07am
not to worry about me taking him back....but i dont think he will be asking....i would never trust my feelings with him again no matter what he said.....whatever relationship we had is ruined and no chance of rebuilding it...

he has not called for a week or emailed me and if he does contact me i will be short and tell him to please not call me or email me again...i am firm on this..

in the past week i have left fantasyland and gotten into the reality of it all and now i can see things much more clearly.

this board has helped so much...just to know that i am not the only one who has ever gone thru this...

next time i will ask more questions about past relationships before i get too involved with anyone...

one thing i remembered last night that he told me his last long term relationship was 7 years ago and his girlfriend was so mad she bashed in his car...but she was much better now that she is on prozac..!!! big red flag but i chose to ignore it..

older and wiser now....i hope