shocked & so confused
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-14-2004 - 3:10pm |
i have been dating a wonderful guy for about 3 months....we met thru mutual friends and he has been wooing me and treating me like a queen....with wonderful dates, flowers, phone calls the works....he was always very affectionate and protective of me and made me feel so safe. he is 29 and i am 26. i have not had a relationship for the past 3 years after i broke off a long 6 year relationship that was not healthy. i thought i was finding in him all of the things missing from my past relationship and i thought it was so healthy to be in a mutually respectful relationship.
i let him take the lead and tried not to be too available....but we grew closer....we had a wonderful date one friday night into saturday....he even bought me a toothbrush to keep at his house and asked me to go on a trip with him...then the very next day he starts acting all weird and pulling away...so i called him on it and he says that he does not see a future with me...that we would probably break up in six months to a year and this will hurt less...
i have never been more shocked...i did not see this coming...he told me he wanted a relationship....i am still reeling for this and trying to make some sense out of it.
he has emailed me a couple of times a week later just to see how i was..then called me twice...once i let it go to voicemail and once i answered....
why did he contact me....what does he want....what did i do wrong....i really thought we had something good going and cant understand how his feelings could have just switched off like that....when i asked him about this he just said it happened and he did not know why.
i guess i should consider myself lucky that i did not get in any deeper....but all his friends were telling me that he has never felt like a girl like he did about me...was he just scared....will he try to come back....should i answer his calls if he calls again or just ignore him....it does make it harder for me when i hear from him...have not heard a word since sun night so maybe he is done with me....i am just so sad....he always said how much he missed me when we were not together...since i miss him...is he missing me..
any advice from guys or girls would be much appreciated.
thanks

Pages
I also believe there are great guys out there, I'm still cautious in the beginning, I don't think you should go into anything headfirst but you can't assume the next guy will be like the last. I think you should go with your instinct, I ignored some red flags in the beginning. I am willing to take a chance on another relationship and give someone my heart but I want to avoid repeating the same mistakes.
I would suggest reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. It deals with commitment phobia, but has a great chapter on possible red flags in the beginning of a r'ship and how to respond to specific behaviors. It's great advice for anyone who is dating, even if a particular guy you're dating doesn't have commitment issues.
Sheri
i did not know too much about my guys past dating history and this is crucial to know these things.....now i am finding out that this seems to be his pattern..
these guys do want to find lasting love...or at least they think they do...so they are on an endless quest to find the perfect....but the more perfect the woman, the more he sees wife...and that scares him to death....
leaving woman dazed and confused....on how someone who was so into you is now so NOT into you....
i just hope that the next time i can recognize the red flags before i start to give away my heart...
I think my ex also has a repeat pattern of this behavior, when he did mention some of his ex girlfriends in the past the way he talked about things gave me the impression that he had dated these girls for maybe a year or two, but once he mentioned his longest relationship being 8 months I realized these were probably just the same type of intense short term relationships.
On another note, no contact is the way to go definitely. I called him yesterday (in a temporary state of relapse) and left a message saying that I wanted to be friends, he said he wanted to hang out and be friends so I was willing to open the door for that possibility. It had been a week since we had spoken, I was doing fine until yesterday for some reason. Well, here I am not feeling like an idiot because he has not called me back and I'm pretty sure he won't. I really don't want to get back together with him (he is damaged goods in my book), but when you're ignored it sort of compounds any of what you were feeling before. I am on the path to being over him though, each day is getting better, last night was a little bit of a setback. So, no contact is best :)
This guy has done a u-turn with you and has caused you great pain and confusion, just what he wants to do. He wants to hurt you.
He can't be that dumb or unaware of how he has made you feel. He is keeping you guessing as to why he is doing this.
If you start to withdraw from him, he may turn sweet again to get you back. If he does, this over and over again, giving you the sweet treatment and than the hurtful treatment, you know for sure he is an abusive personality. Drop him completely.
If you continue to stay with him, the abuse will escalate to outright physical violence and maybe death.
At any rate, maybe you should move on whether or not he is abusive. You wouldn't want to keep being treated so badly. good luck
he has not called for a week or emailed me and if he does contact me i will be short and tell him to please not call me or email me again...i am firm on this..
in the past week i have left fantasyland and gotten into the reality of it all and now i can see things much more clearly.
this board has helped so much...just to know that i am not the only one who has ever gone thru this...
next time i will ask more questions about past relationships before i get too involved with anyone...
one thing i remembered last night that he told me his last long term relationship was 7 years ago and his girlfriend was so mad she bashed in his car...but she was much better now that she is on prozac..!!! big red flag but i chose to ignore it..
older and wiser now....i hope
Pages