Should I apologize?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Should I apologize?
12
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 5:39pm

When is it a good idea to apologize to your ex?

I know relationships run two ways, but for my part, I unwittingly did a lot of things that doomed the relationship. I had the best of intentions, but I didn't grow up in a family that taught me how to love well. Breaking up with him was the last thing I wanted to do, but I ended up doing it anyway because I didn't know how to deal with my hurt and anger. I should have stayed to work it out, but it was too late. He was devastated, and when I tried to patch things up, it made things worse. He felt so devastated by the rejection that he rejected me right back.

So for the past 3 months, I've been dealing with the devastation of being a dumper AND a dumpee.

I've been through hell and back, and even though I'm not finished healing, I've made impressive progress.

But still, my mistakes and how they hurt him weighs on me. I feel that I should write him an apology letter because it's the right thing to do, but I'm afraid that his response will cause me to backslide. Yet since when should an apology be contingent upon the feelings of the apologizer?

After we broke up, we played the breakup game back and forth for a month. The last time we talked, he said, "So you're just going to leave things unsaid?" That was the last I heard from him. After that, he stopped taking my calls and locked me out when I tried to retrieve my stuff. We haven't had any contact for 2 months now.

What should I do? Should I apologize? Would he see that as an intrusion upon his space? Or would he appreciate it? And does his reaction even matter?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:30pm

It sounds as though you really need your own forgiveness more than he needs to forgive you. Maybe you should write the letter and just not send it. I have a similiar situation where I know the half of things I did wrong and I am in the process of trying to forgive myself and learn from my mistakes. I have started reading one book called, "Why are you still single" by Evan somebody and a woman. It sounds like it's a bad self-help book but it really makes you look at the things we do that hurts relationships in black and white. I also read the book, "Starting Over" by John Gray and he goes through exercises to help you heal and forgive with love.

I would not send the letter now. I would not have any contact now. Maybe when you are feeling better and the dust has settled you can send the letter and be clear with him as to why you are sending it and what you hope to get from it.

That is just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 3:22pm

Thank you...ALL of you...for your insight and compassion. You've each shed light from different angles, and I'm able to see my situation that much more clearly.

You are all right. While my motive for apologizing is genuine, I am not ready. It's been 3 months, and I've fought tooth and nail every moment in those months to escape the hell I was sinking in. I'm close...so close...to being free. I'm just not quite there yet.

You're also right that I have not fully forgiven myself, either. That's something I'm struggling with and trying very hard to do.

In my heart, I also know I'm not ready for whatever response, good or bad, I would get from him.

So here's what I'm going to do. I still believe that apologizing is the right thing to do, I'm going to wait until I'm ready. At the rate I'm going, one more month is a pretty safe bet. By then, I should be able to write the letter completely free of these broken-heart shackles.

But keep the responses coming. It's so encouraging to read stories of others who've taken this kind of risk. You all inspire me.

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