should i ask?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
should i ask?
8
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 8:06pm
i know it is over with him. saturday nite we went out to a diner and he accused me of lying to him and i blew up. i DO NOT lie...and i made a scene and pretty much kicked him out of the diner...we had been back forth for the last four months or so. he's in vegas now on a trip so i really can't contact him but i really only want to know if he hates me...my personality can not deal with that...if he does, i know where i stand. if he doesn't, then it's like "whew, thank god" but still over. it just really bothers me to tihnk that after all the pain we went through, i don't want him to hate me and i just need a clear cut answer to move on. is that wrong and should i text him asking?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 9:12pm
Hmm... I understand completely the need to know where you stand with someone, but if he says he hates you (out of anger, spite, real emotion, whatever) do you really think you want to hear that? That would be pretty devastating to me at least. Don't ask questions you don't really want to hear the answer to. IMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 10:11pm
IMHO, texting or calling him to ask if he hates you is just plain unnecessary. You blew up and kicked him out of the diner. It's over. Anyone could imagine his reaction...he's not a happy camper and he won't give you an answer. The best thing would be to close the chapter, learn from it, control your temper and move on. Trying to get an answer to get your closure could take months or even years. Give yourself closure and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 10:57pm

When I asked my ex questions and got answers that I did not want to hear or upset me, his response would always be, 'well, you set yourself up for these answers'

Afterwards I feel stupid for asking him questions that I either know the answers to or wish I hadn't asked. The important thing is that all these questions don't matter. Who cares if he hates you? He hurt you and its over. It shouldn't really matter but I know it does. Just be strong and know that you have friends and family who do not hate you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 11:11pm

Hi,


I hope you take the good advice you've gotten. It really doesn't matter if he 'hates' you in this moment, it will pass, people that heal usually get over their 'hate' and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 12:44am
Hi - well it sounds like you are really struggling emotionally here. Im no expert but I would say that chances are that no, he doesn't hate you, but you just need to hear that - from him. I think if you text him while on vacation it will only annoy him and if he doesn't respond (or takes his time) you will probably be very anxious and not at ease while you are waiting for a response.. sending him a text wont answer the question. The only thing that will get you thru this is time. I know it sucks, but it's worth it and it's true. In 2 months from now you will think differently - it's impossible for this not to be true. I would let him get back from his vacation and let him contact you, because you know he will. Even if you are simply just looking for closure. I am sure it will drive you crazy to wait but in the long run you wont regret taking this approach. You might be surprised after all :-) Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:43pm
what do you guys think about me sending him an email apologizing for my actions? maybe not an email, because i would await a response, but maybe send something through the actual mail? i just don't know what to do because we have never, in all of the four and half years we have been together, we have never gone a day without talking or emailing or anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:53pm

I vote no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 2:02pm
it's not really a reason to contact him. like i said, if i send it through air mail, i'll never know when he gets it or await a response. it's more of a reason to say "i know my actions were wrong, drunk or not, and I'm sorry that I embarassed you and treated you like that in front of people".
I think what my biggest issue is the fact that i didn't leave the relationship with any dignity...i made myself look like an idiot and now he has that last moment of us as his last memory. would have rather just ended it with class and hopefully one day he looks back on us with fond memories. i don't know.