should i ask my ex 4 an explanation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
should i ask my ex 4 an explanation?
6
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 8:01pm

I want to ask my ex about our on again off again relationship and why it finally ended. The facts baffle me:

My ex broke up with me three years ago when I moved away temporarily from our home town. He point-blank refused to visit me and I assumed it was because he didn't want to be with me and was using my temporary work-related move as the excuse to finally cut me off. We had been dating on and off for about 6 months at this point. (I say dating, but we only had one first date - all our other 'dates' consisted of him visiting me at my place. He once cooked me a romantic meal at his place.)

While I was away, I came back home for two weeks. During this time, I took him to a theme park for his birthday, spontaneously arranged to meet him at his house so I could tell him I loved him (to which he implied that he felt the same, but wouldn't say so) and he later invited me out and introduced me to his friends for the first time. We had a great time, but he didn't call me afterwards, when I left town to return back to work.

In fact, in the 7 months I was gone, he only called me 2-3 times. During the first few days I was there, when I called him, we would talk for ages and he always said that he missed me. After a while, I decided not to call and see if he would call me. Months later, he called me once while I was busy, and when I returned his call later, he didn't answer/return my call.

At this point, everyone and everything was telling me he wasn't interested. So when i returned back to my home town after the 7 month period, I didn't contact him. I figured he knew when I was returning, so if he was still interested, he would call me on my return home. The call never came.

In a conversation we had much later after I returned home, he said that he was hurt to hear that I had returned home and not contacted him. He said that if it was meant to be between us, I would have called him when I moved away. He also mentioned that he could see that I was over him (although I really wasn't). After that, he invited me out to eat with him and his friends, to which I said no. Since then, he has complimented my figure and reminisced about good times on the phone. Every time I have asked him for help, he has come through for me, with big and small favours, although we still haven't met up or spent time together one on one. We attend the same organisation regularly every week. He recently saw me there and completely blanked me.

I am finally getting over him now, but I am still completely baffled as to what he was thinking during the time we were together and after we were apart.
Do you think he still like me when I returned back home?
Does he still like me now?
Or was he just stringing me along because he liked receiving attention from an attractive girl (as one of my friends put it)?

Should I ask him for an explanation? Can you answer any of these questions for me?
Guys, please respond! If your ex asked you for an explanation of your behaviour, would you tell her the truth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 8:27pm
I was in a situation similar to yours. It sounds like you were just convenient. He made no effort to contact you. If a guy is interested in you, he would not be able to get enough of you and this speaking from both men that I loved and loved me back and from men that loved me that I did not love. The guy that I was recently involved with had insecurity issues so he was waiting for me to make the move all the time - expected me to pay $2700 to go across the globe to see him. You deserve better. He probably will not give you the entire truth because he doe not want to be the 'bad' guy. I know that it is easier said than done - move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:58pm

I guess my question would be, what would this accomplish?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:57am
It sounds like your ex and my ex are the same. I am waiting for answers from my ex on why he stood me up Friday and why he is not returning me calls. I have realized over the last month that I was putting more in the relationship than I was getting back. I was the one who made the effort to come over to see him, I made the effort to call him most of the time, and he made no effort to want to see me or come over to my house. I feel deeply in love with the man over the last 8 months and it hurts like crazy to not to have contact with him but even if I did call him to even break it off with him, I would get his VM and still not have the answers on why he did this to me. Maybe, one day he will call with the answers but I am not counting on it and I am moving on which I would suggest you do the same. You and I both know that there is someone out there who will put forth the effort to see us and call us and that we just need to realize that we feel in love with the wrong guy. I would not call for an explanation because you may not get it and he may not have it. Sometimes it is easier for a guy to run from a relationship than to face the issues at hand and that is what my ex is doing. I figure why would I want to spend anymore time with a "child" who can't face a relationship when there are issues at hand when there are other "adult" men out there who can. Please take some time for yourself and prove to him that you control your life, not him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:47pm

I love what you wrote-

" I figure why would I want to spend anymore time with a "child" who can't face a relationship when there are issues at hand when there are other "adult" men out there who can. Please take some time for yourself and prove to him that you control your life, not him."

When we are used to being in love with someone who has issues like that it is hard to let go but sometimes we just have to. Maybe there will be someone more mature out there for us who will treat us the way we should be treated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 2:27pm

I am sure there is someone out there that is more mature for us and when we are ready to go find them, we will look back and say "Why did I waste me time with a "child"?

Good Luck and Stay Strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 5:20pm
Well, I'm going out with my cousin this weekend. She and I are going to have fun and if someone asks for my number, provided I like them, I'm giving it out!