Should I be friends with him??
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| Wed, 06-29-2005 - 12:52pm |
Hi everyone,
I saw this is a break up survival board and thought, boy do I need help so here goes...
I was in a long distance relationship with a guy from London for 6 months (I live in Maryland). We work for the same company and met while he was here for his job last summer but he works in our UK office. We talked everyday and he visited me 4 times since we met but during his last and most recent visit (in March), he began to act different and was more distant. A few weeks after the visit, he emailed me that he was hestitant to continue the relationship and said that in the back of his mind, he kept wondering when we would see each other again since he had been using most of his vacation time to visit me. He said he wasn't sure how we could keep going on this way. After hearing how he felt, I offered a friendship as an alternative. Then, a few weeks after that, he told me he was planning a vacation (without me) with friends and I was hurt because I thought one of the reasons we weren't pursuing the relationship now was because of the limited vacation time, etc. After trying to be friends with him, I realized that it was too painful for me with all the feelings I still had. A month ago, I finally said that I needed time and space before trying to pursue a friendship and told him I would be in touch when I was ready.
After a few weeks of no contact at my request, he emailed to tell me that his boss who manages the London office (but works in my office) mentioned that he knew about our relationship and offered him a job here if he wanted. I asked him what his response to his boss' offer was and he said that he updated his boss about the status of our relationship and said that he would only take a job in the U.S. only if it were right for him but that this wasn't the right job for him right now. Then what really confused me was that he told me that if we were still together, maybe he would have taken the job. I was so upset to hear all this since a few months back, he had told me that if he ever had an opportunity to work in our office, he would probably come here. I didn't understand why he would tell me this news - what was the point? I wasn't sure of his motive for telling me but I knew that he did miss the contact with me and maybe it was an excuse to get in touch with me? Was he confused himself or was he deliberately trying to hurt me by contacting me? I told him that hearing all this was very painful for me but he said that he didn't do it to hurt me and was sorry he contacted me against my wishes. I still don't get it!
Now a few weeks later, I feel like maybe I should give the friendship another try and perhaps I was only seeing things from my view and blaming him for not wanting to take a job here, even though it wasn't right for him. I miss the daily contact we used to share and since it was a long distance relationship, it was almost more like a friendship anyway, so why not try this as friends. I know for a fact that he was truly upset when I told him not to contact me a month ago but now I think that a friendship might have been our best alternative, considereing the distance. Last week I sent him a card offering my friendship but I am so confused by my conflicting feelings that I am not sure it was a good idea and I am not sure about anything anymore. Can anyone offer any advice or insight? I can't get my head around it.
THANKS!!

jeddi8---
5 WORDS from Pianoguy:
"DON'T FALL FOR THIS GARBAGE!"
If the man can't make any decisions "long-distance wise"----what makes you think his head would be any clearer once he arrived in the United States?
You've already indicated that it would be "too painful to be just friends with him", correct? So what makes you think you can suddenly do a 180 degree turnaround and accept the relationship 'for friendship purposes only?'
There hasn't been adequate space (or time) between you in order to make the transformation. So instead of setting yourself up for another let-down.....BACK OFF COMPLETELY!
Deep down inside....I don't get the impression you can be "just buddies" with this particular gentleman.
Pianoguy