Should I be over him by now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Should I be over him by now?
3
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 1:25am

Hi,

I posted here for the first time a few weeks ago and I got great advice. My story in short: I'm 20, in college, my first serious long-term boyfriend (6 months) broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. He broke up with me mainly because we'd started fighting constantly. Unfortunately my mom has raised me to expect the world from the man you're dating, and when he stopped always letting me have my way, I started a bunch of petty fights with him. It seems so stupid in reflection, but I guess I thought that if a man truly loves the woman he's with, he'll do anything for her / always let her have her way. Needless to say I learned a lot from the relationship about how to pick you battles and both give and take.

I was totally devasted after the breakup for about 3 weeks. My friends dragged me out, but I hated every minute that I didn't spend with him. To make matters worse, I kept bumping into him around campus. He also lives in my town, so I ran into him at the mall during our Spring Break. When he saw me, he always came up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek...which seemed weird but this was my first big breakup so I didn't really know what to expect from the ex.

Anyways, after those three miserable week, I started to feel a lot better. I went on a few dates, kept myself busy, and was able to concentrate on my school work. Then, a week ago, I have this really vivid dream. We had never broken up in my dream, and we were just hanging out in the city and having a great time. Nothing too exciting happened, but the dream was just so vivid that I woke up expecting to find him next to me.

This dream has basically sent me back to where I was 6 weeks ago. I'm devastated again. I can't stop thinking about him. All I want to do is go back in time and not start all those petty fights with him.

My friends have seen him out at parties. They tell me he is not seeing anyone in particular, but that he definately flirts with other girls. I am trying so hard to move on too, but I just can't seem to. Every guy I meet I always compare to him. I know part of the problem is that I'm young and naive. And because of that, I guess I place too much weight on appearance. As my luck would have it, the ex happens to be a very good-looking part time model, so basically everyone I meet doesn't compare physically. I know there is so much more to a relationship than appearance (we connected both emotionally & physically), but I guess I'm just having trouble because every guy I meet, I compare to him! Hopefully this is something I will grow out of, because I know it's superficial.

I really did love this guy so much. I know part of the problem is that the break-up is 99% my fault. I've been reading a lot of the posts on this board, and while I feel terrible for those of you with lousy, cheating exs, at least you can hate the person and know how wrong they are for you. I can't hate my ex - he really did nothing wrong, he just couldn't take my crap anymore. So the only person I have to blame & hate is myself.

I guess I'm wondering if these emotions, from a 6 month relationship, are normal 6 weeks after the break-up? Should I seek some kind of therapy? I go to a very competitive college and I'm having a hard time concentrating on my work because I am always thinking about him. 6 weeks later, it still really hasn't sunken in that he is gone forever and I can never get him back. I want to move on so badly and enjoy life like I used to, but I just can't. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of living, but that I'm not really living. I'm not sad constantly, but I do think about him a lot during the day. I keep reliving all the things I did wrong (refusing to go to some party with him, getting him a birthday gift a month late, refusing to see him when I had midterms, the list goes on and on and on) and mentally acting out how I should have acted in the situation. I'm sorry that this is such a rambling post. Any help or advice would be great. I'm just really sad and confused and I hate burdening my friends with this all this because they think I should be way over him by now. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:40am
Oh honey, please please PLEASE don't hate yourself. That is a terrible trap to fall into, and I'm speaking with experience here. This is not really a "fault" scenario. Yes, you may have made mistakes, and perhaps so did he. Regardless, the truth of the situation though is that it just wasn't right or "meant to be," not that "it was" and you totally screwed everything up. Before you go hating yourself and falling into a pit of despair, I would definitely advise you to seek counselling of some sort. Does your school have a counselling center? They may be able to offer you professional advice for free.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 12:32pm

I agree, go seek out your medical center and ask to be referred to someone. Whenever a dramatic change occurs in life, all of us have a hard time adapting.

Talking it out with someone who is impartial is always helpful. As for your ex, it sounds to me like you are feeling guilt of having not been what you consider to be the "good" girlfriend. Most of the time we are who we are and that can not be changed. Similarly we want what we want. All we can hope to be is true to ourselves and the best person we can possibly be.

That said, just be true to you and respectfull of others in your life. If things dont work out then so-be-it.

I was in a relationship with my ex and he was horrible to me, and sometimes very cruel. It makes me angry and had made me feel bad about myself, but ultimatly thats how I know it wasn't right between us and that one day I'll be with someone more of my match.

Dont feel guilty. And dont wory - I guarantee you will have many relationships in your future. 20 is very young. Just give youself time to heal and adapt to this change in your life. When the time is right, you will be able and WILLING to let another man into your life.

All my best,
isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 8:53pm
First off you need to quit beating yourself up over this....yeah you made a few mistakes....we all have and I'm sure he's made some to!!
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