Should I believe him or break it off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Should I believe him or break it off?
5
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 4:58pm

My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years now. I'm at the point where I want to settle down, move in together, get married, have kids, etc.....actually I have been at that point for a few years now, and have been waiting on him to get his act together. I've stuck around because he's kept telling me we would get there, and because we've had some really good times and great memories together. He's so much a part of my life and I can't imagine not being with him. 

But there have been some really bad times as well. He lied for years about what he was taking in school because he didn't want me to find out he didn't get into the program he wanted to get into. He lied about taking a vacation he never took. He's lied about numerous things, over and over again. I don't have solid proof he's cheated, but I've seen some texts to his friends about meeting girls ("Met another girl again but haven't hooked up with her yet," is one example). He's unreliable...shows up an hour past when he's said he would come by when we have plans. He's hot headed and flies off the handle over little things...and when he's mad, he'll do and say anything he can to try to hurt my feelings. 

I've taken a step back lately and I'm debating breaking it off, but he swears to me he'll work to make me happy and there will be a ring on my finger by next year. He's being so unbelievably sweet and promising up and down he's been faithful. Am I stupid to believe him? I just can't bear losing the good we've shared, everything reminds me of him. But I don't want to stay in a cycle of such extreme highs and lows either, and keep waiting for things to move forward if they never will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 8:59pm

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou. She's a very wise lady. You are a lady who must think very little of yourself if this is who you think you deserve in life--a liar, someone who doesn't respect your time, and someone who speaks to a friend about possibly hookig up with a girl who isn't you. People are who they are in the present, not who they tell you they will become in the future. Six years is way long enough to know someone's character. So what if you've had good times? They certainly don't outweigh the bad in this man, especially that he continually sets out to hurt you when he's angry.

You only have one precious life to live on this planet. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Be smart about it. Would you believe me if I told you there is a man out there who won't lie to you, won't emotionally or physically cheat on you, and who will have arguments with you to solve a problem, but not hurt you. It's your job to find him and it won't be easy, but you're up for the task. We all are surviviors of breakups and when we get some distance from a toxic relatioship, we wonder why in hell we stayed so long. Because women are nurturers and always try to see the good in toxic people to our own detriment. We give them too many chances, when we should have cut them loose much sooner. You have to sift through a lot of sand before you find the treasure. It's time to move on and make wiser decisions about your love life. It won't be easy but you'll be saving yourself from a life of frustration and happiness. The bad outweighs the good here. Move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 10-01-2013 - 2:23am

I think the person he's shown you for the past 6 years is who he really is, and who he will revert to when he's off his best behavior.

All of that lying---why? How can you ever trust him, how can you believe that what you are hearing is the truth? And when he's mad he tries to hurt your feelings? I'm sorry, but I don't know what his good qualities can be that make up for all of the bad qualities.

Listen to your gut. Its telling you that its time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-01-2013 - 11:43am

I don't know why you would want to be with a chronic liar--how can you believe anything he will tell you in the future?  Not to mention that he's also a hot head--that is not going to be fun when you live together.  Just because you've been with him for 6 yrs doesn't mean you need to stick it out forever when you could find someone better.  Honesty and not acting like a child and throwing tantrums and trying to hurt you when he is mad to me would be minimum requirements for a BF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 12:02pm

I completely agree with the others.  Why have you wasted six years of your life on this guy?  He's lied to you from the beginning about very important things.  He's strung you along for 6 years.....and how many more years do you plan to wait for him to "get his act together"?  He's a chronic liar.  That's the BEST thing I can say about him. That's his "act" and he's good at it.  He's been lying to you for 6 years, and you're still there.  He swears he's been faithfull.....so given all the lies he's told you over 6 years, on THIS you choose to believe him?  And faithfulness is the least of your worries anyway.  Now that he knows you're actually thinking for yourself, he's swearing he'll work to make you happy and get a ring on your finger by next year?  How many OTHER things has he "sworn" to over the past 6 years.  If a ring on your finger is what you want in life, go to the store and buy one.  There will be no heartache attached to it.  And the only thing worse than having wasted six years of your life is wasting 6 years and 1 day of your life.  As someone else mentioned, when you understand that YOU are worth more than the lies, heartaches, insults and whatever else he's put you thru, you will walk away and never look back.  The "good tiimes" were not worth the misery he's given you for the last 6 years.  End it and move on with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 10:24am
In addition to everything else you've read here, think about this: A future with this man probably involves children. Do you want your children to hear their father deliberately trying to hurt their mother's feelings when he's angry? And his anger will not only be directed at you. All children have the ability to make their parents furious, so you can expect that he will be trying to hurt them, too--possibly even physically.