Should I call? I think I know the answer
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| Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:37pm |
Alright girls - I need your sage advice on this.
Last week when I split from wonderful-boyfriend-turned-constant-disappointment, I had made a mental list of all my stuff so I could pick it all up then and not have to schedule something akward later. Well, I forgot some stuff - some art supplies (which were moderately pricey) I had there and some art projects I'd been working on which aren't really valuable, but I did put a lot of time into them and would like to finish them. Also, I came across some tools of his at my house the I'd totally forgotten about - I think they were on top of the fridge for months and I'm pretty short so...
I've been thinking of just leaving the tools on his porch - he'll know who they're from. Then I thought that would be super-b*tchy so thought I might include a note - something simple like: 'I found these and thought you'd like them back - hope all is well' but then I don't get my stuff back either.
I admit to wondering if i'm just playing games with myself. I realize there's the distinct possibility that he's so angry at me that he's already chucked my art stuff and hasn't even noticed the tools are missing - I've had them for months. But I honestly don't think he would have done that (chuck the art stuff) as he's a genuinely sweet guy and I really don't see that in him. I think I'm just using them as an excuse to see him again - but I play out the scenario in my head and realize that it's wildly unlikely that it'll go the way I want (picture it: he tells me what a wreck he's been without me - will I please come back etc) and the picture of the worst-case-scenario (I walk in on him and some other chick after we only broke up 9 days ago, or else he's super-hateful to me and I don't want that either) is so painful I don't want to risk it.
I hate having these tools around though. They just make me feel like this thing is unfinished and I want it done (well mostly - I still miss him and would answer if he ever called - how dare he not call me after 9 days! Grrr!) but am not about to sign up for his chance to reject me. I thought about keeping them - they're nice tools and I'm sure they'll come in handy, but that seems petty and I'm not that girl. If they're his then they're his and I don't want them. In the meantime, I have them on a shelf in the garage so they don't become an icon in some self-pity-party.
I am so stubborn. I wonder if I made a mistake - if we could have worked it out. But I went in there - guns blazing - and broke it off - no conversation - nothing. I think I even said 'I don't want to talk about this - I just want my things', which pretty much shut that down. I've had people tell me how strong I am - how sure of the things I want in life and how wonderfully unwilling I am to settle. Well, sometimes there's a fine line between being strong and sure of things and just being impulsive and angry and regretting not having taken a more diplomatic approach to life.
This is what I'm thinking about doing. I'm thinking of setting a deadline - like 3 weeks from now - where I will either call or email or just drop them by. By setting a deadline, I'm letting myself get distance from this and I hope in 3 weeks I'll not be so anxious about all this and see if I really even care after 3 weeks. But it also gives me a day that I can 'look forward' to. I keep thinking I'll just never see him again or talk to him again and even when I told him that's what i wanted (and he's been so wonderfully accommodating - the jerk!) it's not getting any easier to accept - it's getting harder.
I'm taking this way harder than I thought I would.
Any advice would be appreciated - except that I'm not going to throw the tools away as they're really nice and would like to see them put to good use. Very practical am I.
L
p.s. I realize that all my posts are freaky-long - sorry guys. I just get rambling and rambling and don't know where to shut myself off. Thanks for reading this much!
p.p.s. I take a class on Wednesday nights that happens to be 3 blocks from his house, and have resisted driving by for two weeks now. This might not seem like a big deal, but believe me - it's huge for me! Yea me!
Edited 7/5/2006 10:43 pm ET by oryx72

Nope, don't call him. Instead, send him an e-mail, a breezy e-mail, stating that you found his tools at your home and that you though he'd like to have them back. Close the e-mail with something along the lines of "please let me know where I can drop them off". That will lift off the idea of "facing you/him" again. If he doesn't respond then you can keep the tools.
I agree with the other answer, don't call, send a light breezy e-mail. Mention his stuff and your stuff and ask when a good time to swap them back are.
Sorry to respond to this so late. I didn't have web access after 5 yesterday and am just now reading this. Let me remind you why you left him:
* You wanted him to meet some people who are pretty important to you and you told him you would like him to meet them and that it was important to you. He basically blew them off.
* When you were sick he didn't come over to take care of you.
* He has some major intimacy issues and said something like, He'll probably grow old alone, or something to that effect.
This guy was pretty bad news for you, ok? So, yes, you did leave him abruptly. But you know what? That's a GOOD thing because it sounds like he really wasn't really being very good to you. A man who really loved you and showed it would have been eager to meet your sister and your nephew and the ex who meant so much to you. A man who really loved you would have been over with chicken soup when you were sick, don't you think?
But what about his tools and your art projects? Do you really, really need/want them? If you do, give yourself a few months, not just three weeks. Give yourself until the end of the summer to contact him and ask about them. As for the tools, don't give them any thought. If he really wanted them back he would have asked you for them.
So I'd say wait until late August, early September to contact him. The day I left my ex I I took almost everything I had at his place. I couldn't take everything because I was on my way to work. So I'm very aware that I have a few things still at his place: a short winter coat (my only one), some hiking boots he gave me, and a gift certificate to a great place near his house (which some friends gave me). Now I would really like those things back, but it's not winter yet. So I can wait to get the coat. The boots don't really matter to me that much and they will just be reminders of all the times we went hiking. My point? I'm going to give myself until early September (at which time I assume I'll be feeling A LOT STRONGER) to contact him and get those things back. I don't want to ruin my progress and healing by getting in touch too soon. I would advise you do the same.
Thanks girl! I really needed a loving reminder that despite how much I miss the good times, I wasn't being treated like I wanted and deserved to be.
If he was lost without me, I'd know it by now, or will know it soon, and then I'll make a decision about 'us', but the fact is that he hasn't called or emailed or anything, and he's probably doing just fine.
I'll leave the tools in the garage and try to forget about them and if he does contact me for them back, I can leave them on his porch. I know I'm not ready to see him again (he was probably the hottest guy I've ever dated - hmmm - I wonder if he's gotten away with this poor behavior in the past because he's so good looking... well, not this time) so there's no sense putting myself in that situation.
The art supplies and projects I'm just going to let go of. It was only about 50 bucks worth of stuff and is easily replaced if I decide to. I'll consider it the cost I paid to get out of the relationship and start feeling good about myself again, and find that (even hotter) guy who treats me like a queen.
Thanks again. I'd be a total mess without you guys!
L