Should I Close The Door Completely?
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| Sat, 06-23-2007 - 7:47pm |
My boyfriend broke up with me for the first time in 6 years. We've dated for 6 years and I broke it off with him at least 5 times because of his unwillingness to accept me for who I was. He was trying to change me as I was trying to change him. He's my first love and I'm his first love, plus I'm the first one he's slept with. We met through friends, and even though he was exteremly shy and said I don't know a lot and has a huge problem with keeping things bottled up inside, I some how fell in love with him. When we met, he didn't know much of anything about how females work. Through the years, I've made excusses that he's just very green and tried to teach him how females are. Yet, he insisted that since he wasn't that way, that I shouldn't be that way either. I see at times the relationship was like a mother and child relationship. I had to inform him of what was approiate. Yet, some of it he took and some went out the other ear.
I've struggled with him accepting me for who I am. He still doesn't accept me because I'm not exactly like him or do everything he likes to do. And when I have an opinion about something that I don't like, he calls me judgemental.
He's exteremly immature for his age and he's probabaly feeling it because he's 30 and can't keep his girlfriend from crying all the time. He's very insenitive. I don't think his parents ever taught him how to treat a female right. Of course he opens doors and knows what to do on a date, but when it comes to being just courtious he's clueless. Yet we've talked about marriage and kids and what it would be like. We had gotten back together after out 2nd to last break up. Had great times together, laughed, and had a ball! We were completely happy until the trip happened...
The last trip we went on together was a 4 wheeling trip. I've never been and really didn't know what to expect, but I went because I've wanted to go for so long and he's been asking me to go, but I've always had to work. Now that I'm on the trip, he messes it up with being insensitive. He doesn't introduce me to his friends. (He says he doesn't really know a lot of them.) He claims he doesn't like PDA. All I did was lean up against him that night and he walked two feet in front of me. I got hurt and went to bed. But I did bring it up when he came into the tent. He had been drinking and he said that it was because he was drunk. It wasn't the time or place to talk about it. I did over hear one of the guys ask my ex if I was his girlfriend. I couldn't hear what he said, but when I asked him later, he said yes he said I was his girlfriend.
The next day he asked me how I slept and I was honest and said awful because the tent was a 1 person tent and way too small for the both of us. (He saw that as complaining! But he asked me!) He thinks of himself first before me. On the way to dinner, he has long legs and walked in front of me. I asked him to slow down and wait for me. He sort of did, but not really. He also blamed it on the 2 beers he downed just then after an exhausting day. He gained his points back when he helped me put my hamburger together, but completely lost it all and then some when he sat down at a full picnic table and didn't save me a seat. I said, "I can't believe you." Someone else scooted down so I could sit. Needless to say, I was so upset that I down the rest of the wine we brought. Then we watched people 4 wheel over the rock garden. He paid more attention to the 4 wheeling then me. Finally he started talking to me right around the time it was over. I knew he knew something was wrong. I wasn't talking to him...just nodding. Then that night I felt like he abandoned me a couple of times to talk with friends. I cried my heart out those two nights. He invited me on a trip and does this to me. It didn't make any sense, but then it does in some degree because he doesn't know how to deal with females or know what is the right thing to do in social situations, or how to treat someone right. (Yet, I'm just giving his behavior another excuse.)
The next day we went to do more 4 wheeling and he basically abandoned me again by telling me that I'd probably want to say at the top since everyone was going to end up there. Then he went down to take pictures because that's what you do if you're not driving. We were the for 5 hours while he did other stuff without including me. One of his friends told me to tell him that he's rude for not introducing me to anyone.
On the way home we pretended like nothing was wrong. I had gotten over being hurt by him, because I had excused his behavior for me over reacting and just being too sensitive. I actually took him out to dinner because I wanted Mexican. I brought up the subject of just asking if he would introduce me to his friends and he said ok. And I think I said something about if we go again I wanted to sleep in a bigger tent. He said, "Boy, you're complaining a lot." I blew off that comment and didn't let that one bother me.
A few days later we cooked dinner together. I thought everything was fine, but I guess it wasn't. He was planning his exit and led me to believe everything was alright. It took him 5 days later to actually break up with me, but over email. I made him call me and at least explain himself if he didn't want to see me right then.
He said in the email, "I need to be on a dating basis only for now, as of today. I need some time on my own to figure things out. Alaska will hopefully get things moving in the right direction and get my mind off other things. I'm not going anywhere (except Alaska) so I will still be here. I will be thinking about you. I'll try and send you a cool postcard when I get there!"
And when he talked over the phone, he said he wanted to see other people because the trip didn't go as he had planned. Insensitive stuff like that happens a lot ever since I graduated college and don't have the type of job or lifestyle he would like me to have. I'm self employeed and make very good money when I'm working. He's a 9-5 guy. I was ok with him wanting to see other people because when I broke up with him many times before, I told him he needed to go date other people to see how great I was and to appreciate me. He always came back to me because he couldn't find anyone. But this time was different. I asked him what was one good thing he liked about me and he couldn't say anything. I had to drag it out of him. He said he didn't know what to say because it was awkward. How the hell can you not find something good about the person you've supposedly loved for 6 years? That's when I went off. He kept saying why can't I just drop it subject and have a normal converstation. I told him not to call me or contact me and that I didn't even want to be his friend right now. He still didn't believe that I meant what I said. He still believed that we're friends and nothing was wrong. I told him to sleep with anyone he wants, fall in love with anyone he wants because it didn't matter anymore. Then I hung up.
He emailed me 5 mintues later. This is what he said, "I would never ever ever ever say I wouldn't want to be your friend. I don't know why you would want to say something like that. I know you are upset but that is pretty harsh. Think about what you said when you clear your head. I hope you didn't mean it. Be strong, stay strong, keep your head up and get some sleep. I don't want you to be a wreck at work tomorrow like I will be. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Both of us will find it. I do care about you and will always love you."
I emailed him back asking him not to contact me until he learns how to communicate and be giving and loving in a relationship and friendship. I also said I want nothing to do with him because he can't say something nice about me and doesn't accept me for who I am, which is and has been the big issue.
I sent it off and hadn't heard from his since. I have a feeling I will though. I'm going out of town for almost 2 months right when he gets back into town. I won't even think of taking him back until he does a lot of soul searching, learning, and changing. I have a list of my needs and plan on giving it to him whenever he contacts me months down the line if he wants to get back together. He has to prove and earn his way back into my life. If nothing has changed and he's still the same guy with the same view of me, I won't hesistate to slam the door in his face and leave completely. The only way I could ever see us working is if he decides he wants to change and does change.
I know for a fact he has limited social skills and doesn't know how to relate to females well. Yet I still feel compeled to fix him. I've been trying to fix him for 6 years and even when I knew in my mind that you can't fix someone, I tried my hardest. I tried even harder to do everything right so he'd accept who I am...which I ended up sacrificing a lot of my own needs and desires to be with him. I was in the mind set that if I just tried a little harder, it would fix things. But I knew the truth. I had to try though.
I think I fell in love with the potential of who I knew he could become, and I also fell in love with him when he didn't turn into the cold distant guy who is so stubborn it's going to ruin him. No one in his family taught him how to compromise. He grew up knowing don't ask, don't tell, so his family doesn't know much about his personal life. He's not the type to talk about his problems with anyone or read a self help book, so I don't know how he would even begin to learn other than trial and error, and then he'd still do the same mistakes he did with me. If men are so simple...how come their so stupid?!
It's been almost 3 weeks from when we broke up. I'm taking it harder this time because I put my whole heart and soul into it, and because he broke up with me. It wasn't all bad times. He does know how to do sweet things and be romantic when he wants to. But it's the common sense stuff that he doesn't have. He's a smart guy, just very clueless in life in general. I'm moving on with my life. I'm trying the online dating thing, even though it's really not my cup of tea. I don't have the urge to call him since he refuses to get a cell phone. I do check his MySpace page a lot, which I'm making myself stop now. My page is on private so he can't check up on me. I'm focusing on myself and my career right now. I just hope he can see what a good thing he gave up. I'm opening up myself to other options, and I'm putting out in the universe what I want in a man.
I know if I was reading this, I'd see all the red flags, and believe me, I see them. But...and there's always a but...my question is...do you think he's really trying to figure things out with himself(he'll be out in the woods in Alaska so he has a lot of time to think.) Or is it really over? Should I close the door completely or still move on with my life and see if he grows up?
I just want to hear everyone elses thoughts.

Welcome to the board littlebit2007,
Ok, I can see where the two of you have different expections in a relationship.