should i do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
should i do this?
8
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 5:10am

quick question for all of you?

i have this really strong urge to let my ex know that i now know that he cheated on me and now is with his ex.

i just found out why he really broke up with me and i am so hurt all over again.

i just want to let him know that i know what a jerk he really is for lying to me and cheating on me.

would this be a bad thing to do? would it make me feel better or worse...and would he even care or would it just make me look pathetic?

thanks for your input...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:28am

It's not unlike quitting smoking. Once you've quit, you've quit. If you have just one more, you have to quit all over again, including the withdrawal and cravings.

You'll get your chance, so don't force it. If you bring it up, you're just going to create a new wound and probably a new argument about it, then have to repeat the whole "It's been three days since we spoke... it's been twenty days since we spoke..." AND that discussion will send your brain off thinking of more things to say, things you should have said, yadda yadda.

So wait it out. People talk, which I guess is how you found out. Therefore, if it's really important to you that he knows you know, tell someone and it'll get back to him. You're going to have to forfeit seeing his reaction, but whatever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:38am
It really depends......if you think it will help you get closure and move on, then go for it but if you think it will make things worse than don't.....just write a letter to him of all the things you're feeling and how he's hurt you and call him all the bad names you want *wink* ....basicly let him have it in this letter but DON'T send it....just tear it up!!! It's good to get all those feelings out but sometimes it's best to keep it to yourself! Good luck either way and keep us posted!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:39am

What would be gained by telling him? How would you imagine the conversation to go? Do you think that since he didn't care enough about you when you were together to not cheat on you that he would have any guilt or remorse or appologize about it now? Play it out.

You: "You lousey bastard, I KNOW that you cheated on me when we were dating!"

Him: "Yeah. So."

You: "So I just wanted to call you a lying cheating s.o.b."

Him: "(snotty half laugh)Like I care. Get a life."(click)

That's about how it'd go I'd wager. Because like I said, he didn't have the respect and love for you while you two were dating (if he did he wouldn't have lied and cheated), so there is no reason to believe that you calling him will lead to anything productive. There's no reason to believe that you will gain some satisfaction by getting the "upper hand", because by proof of his actions he doesn't care.
By calling him, all you do is remind him that he held this power over you and still does. It's an ego booster for him, and an ego blow to you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 12:44pm

Oh, I totally understand what you're going through. I wanted so badly to tell The Liar that I knew about additional times he'd lied to me, but I decided against it. I knew what I *really* wanted was an apology, or at least some sort of acknowledgement that he'd hurt me and done me wrong, and I also knew I was almost certainly not going to get one.

I finally accepted that HIM knowing I knew didn't matter. *I* knew, and that was all that was necessary.

You now know that your ex is a liar and a cheater. THAT is the knowledge that is important, not that he know you know.

Let it go. Telling him you know and expecting him to give you the reaction you want (even if you can't admit to yourself what you really want) is just going to set you back.

Sheri

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 4:52pm

JUST WALK>>>NO RUN AWAY from this man. He did it to her and then you...is he someone you want to be with...it hurts but don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you still care...it takes time to heal but you will...and in the long run at least you know...sometimes everyone else does except you and then you feel like a fool for trusting.
You deserve better and you will find it...I did! (;)

nightangel

Nightangel
Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 1:05am
I think if I were in your situation, I wouldn't bother calling.






Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 7:55am
I can relate to how you're feeling and I haven't yet heard ANY info. from my fiance 'cause he's been hiding in the military - but I suspect he went back to his X too. I think what we're dealing with is a lot of anger, on our side. I invested a year of my life while my fiance was deployed in another country - all the loneliness and worry - and then he leaves me in the dust?? ... = A-N-G-E-R!!! Soooo, how 'bout if I then can 'handle it'? All the game playing is like dealing with a 5 year old anyway, so it should be easy to handle. Guys have vibes too and they can tell when the ex CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM - then he gets stuck with the anger. You probably already know what reaction you'd get from your ex and so maybe there's a better way for you to get closure, without all the anger ... believe me, I need it too. V
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:49pm

I would honestly have nothing to do with him anymore and I'll say it until I'm blue in the face :)

Nothing can be gained by calling him up and telling him what a jerk you think he is, the satisfaction will be in not calling him and him knowing you don't give two thoughts about him or what he's doing because you have moved on, even if it's an act for just a while you have to put your best face forward. It is hard and I am doing the same thing but calling him will only serve to make you feel worse, trust me on this. He isn't worth any effort on your part and you will lose ground in your healing, just like what happened when you inquired about him and found out things you didn't want to, like the ex that was in the picture. It is hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself is remove yourself entirely from him. I remember from your previous posts that he had been trying to contact you, this is the perfect opportunity to ignore him and make him look like the pathetic guy that he is and you can just sit back and have that satisfaction :)