Should I end it?? Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Should I end it?? Need Advice
5
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 11:50pm

I have been in my relationship for almost 6 years, and we have been friends for 12 years. We have lived together for 4 1/2 years and I have a 7-year-old son who looks at him like a dad.

My problem is this, he is a great guy, he treats me great, we hardly argue. He is loving and thoughtful etc.. in fact I dont have much bad to say about him, except we hardly get to see each other as we work opposite shifts and he works 6 days a week. Unfortunitely somewhere along the way my feelings have faded and I cant seem to recapture that feeling (ya know, the butterflies, which I had up until about 8 months ago). About a month ago I was extremely confused about my feelings and asked him to leave for a week or so so we could have some space without seeing each other at all, and I thought I felt better when he came home, but that only lasted about a week or less.

I am not sure what to do at this point, he is trying to do everything he can to fix this, but I cant force myself to feel something that just isn't there, but I stop and think, we were so in love for so long and I knew he was 'The One' and he is everythign I want in a man, but I just dont feel it now, he is like a good friend and thats it. Neither one of us wants to get married so that is definitely not a factor (and yes, I knewe that before we got together so my decision is not influenced by his at all).

Help, am I just being too picky and should I just realize what I have here is a good thing and I shouldnt walk away from it or is it time to say ok enough I have tried and its just gone. By the way this has been going on for about 6 months now, so I feel like I have given it a fair bit of time.

Thanks in advance :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 12:16am

Having ended my marriage for similiar reasons, I would strongly recommend that you try couples counseling first to see if you can reconnect on an intimate level. Not trying counseling first is a regret that took me a long time to get over (I've been divorced for 10 years now but still have twinges about not trying everything first, although I still think it was the right decision).

It's normal for LTRs to go through ups and downs where you feel less "zing". Finding ways to keep the intimate connection during those down periods is one of the things that keep a LTR going.

A good book to use as a starting point would be "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman (I realize you're not married, but the principles are the same in a committed LTR).

If, after working with a good counselor for say, six months or so, you aren't able to recapture what you're missing, then you'll at least know in your heart that you gave it your all before ending it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 11:08am

"Unfortunitely somewhere along the way my feelings have faded and I cant seem to recapture that feeling"

Well no wonder,

"we hardly get to see each other as we work opposite shifts and he works 6 days a week"

Those loving feelings have to be nurtured and maintained. Kinda hard to do that when you're physically never together. I'll bet that when you two are home at the same time, you aren't doing the fun couple/family stuff, you're doing the chores and errands that didn't get done, right?!

"By the way this has been going on for about 6 months now, so I feel like I have given it a fair bit of time."

You've given it a fair bit of time, but have you given it a fair bit of effort? Is there a possibility that you can switch to the same shift time that he works, or vice versa? Or get a different job all together that will leave you with more together time? Do you take time to get all prettied up for him when you do see him? (just the act of getting prettied up for him will start your mind thinking about him romantically) When was the last time the two of you went on a date? You're right, you can't "force" yourself to get the feelings back, but you can live "as-if" they are. Pretend. Do things for yourself and for him AS-IF you had those lovin' feelings for him still. After 12 years with someone the butterflies settle, so you need to shake them up again. In a while, you won't have to pretend and live "as-if" anymore, you'll have created the situation you want, you'll have turned on the feelings again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 12:50am

Hi...thanks for your response...I have given it alot of thought and I have tried these things, I know it has not been long, but I was trying to live that way, as if the feelings are there, but they arent. This sucks, its Christmas Eve, well Christmas day now by my watch, and I really dont want to be thinking like this especially given the holidays, but I cant help it. But I have decided not to make any decisions until the holidays are over, there is too much stress at this time of year that I want to make sure I make the right decision here. But the best that I can see is, I have been coming to this board for some time for some sort of clarity to my thoughts/feelings and I know that ultimately I will have to make this decision on my own, but I have to say this is one of the hardest I've ever had to make. My hopes are that something over the holiday will 'Spark' us and this will get better from there, but we'll see.

Anyway thanks again...Merry Christmas everyone!!!

~D

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 11:48am

I like and want butterflies in a relationship as much as the next person but I have learned after a 17-year marriage and a 2-year romance that the intense desire that usually brings two people together changes over time into different feelings. I would go along with the suggestions of the previous poster, but more than that...learn now to provide your OWN butterflies in your life. If you (or I, or the girl next door) are looking only to our partners to provide the excitement we need in our lives, then we're doomed to disappointment. Try filling your life up with education, hobbies, career goals or other interests that keep you so busy and engaged that you don't have time to sit around looking at everything that's wrong with him or the two of you as a couple. Additionally, the more interesting a woman makes herself, the more likely she is to be pursued by her man.

Also, don't think for a moment it's easy to replace a good man or a good friend. They are very difficult and sometimes, sadly, impossible to find. You can probably find someone to replace the butterflies for a short time, but after it fades will you even have a good friend left? Many men turn out to be unfaithful, liars, bums who live off your paycheck...or worse, who treat your son indifferently or badly. Consider the fact that a new man in your life may have plenty of his own baggage...a difficult ex or children who may not necessarily get along with your own child.

I'm not trying to discourage you from trying life on your own again, maybe get some breathing space, that can be a positive thing if you use the time and space wisely. But if you're just trying to scope out a new man to provide you with the excitement and interest in your life that you should provide yourself, you will probably end up disappointed over and over again. Not to mention the toll it will take on your son. Be very careful before choosing, the grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence. Good Luck to you and your son and Merry Christmas...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 2:31am

I agree with the previous posters too. I think you can make yourself stay in a relationship that you appreciate if you wanted to.
After some age, we grow out of the Butterflies Unfortunately and we have to accept that we wont be 20 again!

What if you broke up with your guy, went on with your life and obviously met another man and spent few great years with him then later had the same lack of butterflies? would you like to keep moving from one relation to the other for the sake of the butterflies?
I think you should allow You to work on this relationship. You have a past with this guy but you need to have common future like trying to learn things together, sharing a small dream together even if it was only a trip for a week... I think you loved this man for 6 years because he is worth your love

Best of luck
J