Should I give up hope on this one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2012
Should I give up hope on this one?
2
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 10:05am

I started dating a guy at the beginning of this month. Things were moving along great, we got along great and we both wanted the same things. After talking for a while and a date, he asked me to be exclusive with him, which was great because I felt the same. He told me he wouldn't ever hurt me and that he wanted me to trust him. We started talking like a couple would and moved along like I felt a relationship would. His grandfather passed away at the same time all of this was going on. Then he got sick, probably do to all the stress going on in his life. I tried to be supportive and let him know that if he needed me, I was there to listen. He stayed over one night but no relations happened nor did they ever happen. He said he wanted to wait till we got further in the relationship before we had relations. I respected that.  I tried to give him a little space to deal with what was going on, like letting him call and text me. This past Sunday I was running late to be some where so I didn't text him in the morning like I usually do. He texted me and asked me why I hadn't texted him and I explained to him why I hadn't. He seemed to not believe me when I always tell him I was happy with him and wasn't looking to be with someone else yet he always asked me if I was looking for some other guy. He seemed very distant and always seemed too busy to see me and too busy to call after a while. I tried not to push but it was hard when he was the one who wanted the relationship in the first place. A couple days ago he sent me a text saying that he was going back to Arkansas (where he has a farm) for a while and he wouldn't be around to take care of me. He also said that he hoped I found someone very special, that he was very sorry and not to hate him and that he would talk to me later, and also it was just bad timing for him. I told him that he broke my heart in saying that, that I didn't need him to take care of me and that I was sorry that he felt like he couldn't call me and tell me that and that he broke my trust. Then after I calmed down, I said that I appreciated his honesty and good luck. I asked him why he was going to Arkansas and he told me because the guys who had been running the farm for him, quit and he had to hurry up and find someone new to run it or the farm wouldn't make money. He was leaving on a flight the same day that he sent me that text. He said he was sorry and that he would be in touch. I said I understood and that I hoped that maybe we could get together when he got back. I haven't talked to him since, nor do I plan to. We had met on a dating website and when he sent me that text, I went in and deactivated my account because I was upset. I went in later in the evening and tried to look at his profile and his is deactivated now too. There is a lot more that happened but I don't want to make this any longer then it needs to be. Is there a chance that he might come back around or am I just living in a fantasy world? Why did he freak out when he was the one that seemed to want all this? Should I just give him space and see what happens or should I just chalk it up to bad timing and move on? Thanks in advance for the help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 11:59am

I think for now you should move on.  If he comes back some day you can decide then if you want to try again, but no use waiting around for a guy who has told you to find someone else.  the truth is that you only knew him a short time, which means that you don't really know him.  He also sounds kind of insecure--why ask someone to be exclusive basically after the first date and then he is worried that you don't like him--that sounds like he wasn't asking you to be exclusive cause he liked you so much, but more because he was afraid of competition.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 1:26pm

jledford7683 wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:10.5pt; color:black; font-family:Georgia">I started <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/super-tag/dating" rel="nofollow"><span style="color:#ae0d55">dating</span></a> a guy at the beginning of this month. Things were moving along great, we got along great and we both wanted the same things. After talking for a while and a date, he asked me to be exclusive with him, which was great because I felt the same. He told me he wouldn't ever hurt me and that he wanted me to trust him. We started talking like a couple would and moved along like I felt a relationship would. His grandfather passed away at the same time all of this was going on. Then he got sick, probably do to all the stress going on in his life. I tried to be supportive and let him know that if he needed me, I was there to listen. He stayed over one night but no relations happened nor did they ever happen. He said he wanted to wait till we got further in the relationship before we had relations. I respected that. <span> </span>I tried to give him a little space to deal with what was going on, like letting him call and text me. This past Sunday I was running late to be some where so I didn't text him in the morning like I usually do. He texted me and asked me why I hadn't texted him and I explained to him why I hadn't. He seemed to not believe me when I always tell him I was happy with him and wasn't looking to be with someone else yet he always asked me if I was looking for some other guy. He seemed very distant and always seemed too busy to see me and too busy to call after a while. I tried not to push but it was hard when he was the one who wanted the relationship in the first place. A couple days ago he sent me a text saying that he was going back to Arkansas (where he has a farm) for a while and he wouldn't be around to take care of me. He also said that he hoped I found someone very special, that he was very sorry and not to hate him and that he would talk to me later, and also it was just bad timing for him. I told him that he broke my heart in saying that, that I didn't need him to take care of me and that I was sorry that he felt like he couldn't call me and tell me that and that he broke my trust. Then after I calmed down, I said that I appreciated his honesty and good luck. I asked him why he was going to Arkansas and he told me because the guys who had been running the farm for him, quit and he had to hurry up and find someone new to run it or the farm wouldn't make money. He was leaving on a flight the same day that he sent me that text. He said he was sorry and that he would be in touch. I said I understood and that I hoped that maybe we could get together when he got back. I haven't talked to him since, nor do I plan to. We had met on a dating website and when he sent me that text, I went in and deactivated my account because I was upset. I went in later in the evening and tried to look at his profile and his is deactivated now too. There is a lot more that happened but I don't want to make this any longer then it needs to be. Is there a chance that he might come back around or am I just living in a fantasy world? Why did he freak out when he was the one that seemed to want all this? Should I just give him space and see what happens or should I just chalk it up to bad timing and move on? Thanks in advance for the help.</span></p>
 

My red flags would have gone up if someone I'd met 16 days ago wanted exclusivity with me and we'd only been in the same physical space once.  Then for him to lose his wig over the fact that you didn't text him ONE morning? That's when the second flag would have shot up.  Then for him to accuse you of seeing other guys? There goes the third one.  And then to put you on ignore after that? There goes the fourth flag. And to top it off, going out of town and acting like he's on a mission to Saturn (a two year trip one way)? We have five flags a fluttering...

So ok, he had to go to AR to take care of an emergency (and that is if what he is saying is the truth). They have cell phone towers in AR... they also have run land lines, too.  They also have airports, so you could have gone for a weekend down there.  I see absolutely no reason why he took the " sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach with you over you not texting him ONE morning.

To answer your question: Why did he freak out when he was the one that seemed to want all this?

he might not be mentally stable.  I'd chalk it up and move on. You deserve someone way more stable than this guy.