Should I hope to remain friends?
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Should I hope to remain friends?
| Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:02pm |
How do you remain best friends with someone after it's over? We didn't have a bad breakup - just painful (in fact, it's basicly been 2 weeks and I still hurt). She calls me every few days, but we still haven't had a good heart to heart talk for closure. But we were best friends for 2 years, then dated for 2 years. It's important for both of us to be in each others lives.
No Contact is killing me right now. I miss her SO much! I don't call her, she calls me. But I know that it helps me heal and can also make her reflect and maybe want to continue with our relationship. But she is and was my best friend... what do you think I should do? HELP!!
for the Whole Story of what happened, check out my first posting.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=15665.1&ctx=128

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How do you know when it's time? When you'd be perfectly fine and happy for her hearing about her great new bf. Until you're "there", you're not ready to be friends.
Sheri
The pro of calling is that you get a fix of "her". The con is that every fix means that the day you will finally be over her is that much further in the distance. The clock starts over every time you talk to her or see her, or even see her name come up on caller ID.
Sheri
You should send her an email saying something like, "Right now, I need to not talk with or see you for a while so I can move on. However, I value our friendship and look forward to reconnecting with you down the road. I'll get in touch with you when I'm ready. Take care."
I'm curious, what more "closure" do you feel you need? It's over. You need to accept that. That's how you get "closure". It doesn't come from a conversation with her, it comes from you accepting that it's over.
Sheri
As far as what kind of closure I need, we supposedly split in February. But nothing changed - we were still together all the time and acted and did everything that a couple does in an active relationship. She talked about us traveling together and being OK financially since she got a big promotion. That gave me hope that the relationship was mending. But over the last month or so, she's been pulling away more and more. I feel confused by the mixed messages I was getting and I want to know what happened. What was she feeling since February? I don't want to make the same "mistakes" in another relationship. And, yes, I do STILL have strong feelings for her and something in me needs to say goodbye to her. If I could just turn my back and NOT contact her for a few months, I would, but an e-mail or note saying "don't call me, I'll call you" seems to leave me questioning. I want to learn from this.. take something away with me so that instead of letting this happen again, I can have a stronger relationship with someone else, or her, in the future. And I want to say goodbye, since this wasn't a messy breakup, it just took a long time. Is that wrong? Am I being too "soft"? It's hard for me to think straight - and I DO value everyones advice and comments VERY much!!
I know you don't want to, but i REALLY strongly suggest you go cold turkey for awhile. No contact, phone calls or email. The only way you can move on is to establish a life for yourself without her. If this relationshpi has a chance in the future, it needs to seperate itself from the current relationship which did not work. Does that make sense?
I know how you feel, i also had a breakup a few weeks ago, we love eachother dearly and always treated eachother right, but his self-esteem issues caught up with him and he couldn't be possibly love me if he can't love himself. This is difficult for me because we tried working through this before but it didn't work. So this means that I feel for him in that I want him to be happy, I love him and wanted a future with him, but he is unable to give that to me. Would have been much easier if he was a horrible person but he isnt and i only want good things for him.
We haven't talked since the breakup and it is hard as hell but I KNOW that whether we can work things out in teh future, changes have to occur within him so that the relaitonship patterns wouldn't repeat. I really think you need to do the same. You need to distance yourself from what DIDN"t work, and later, when you are BOTH able emotionally, you can reconnect. But its to unfair to you to be kept on a leash because your life hasn't changed that much (except for lately) and it really needs to to progress.
I wish you all the best and although i know you think the best tihng for you is to be with her (i feel that too) you HAVE to make the best hting for you YOU right now. No matter how painful, I think this is the only way you MAY have a chance in the future.
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