Should I hope to remain friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Should I hope to remain friends?
12
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:02pm
How do you remain best friends with someone after it's over? We didn't have a bad breakup - just painful (in fact, it's basicly been 2 weeks and I still hurt). She calls me every few days, but we still haven't had a good heart to heart talk for closure. But we were best friends for 2 years, then dated for 2 years. It's important for both of us to be in each others lives.

No Contact is killing me right now. I miss her SO much! I don't call her, she calls me. But I know that it helps me heal and can also make her reflect and maybe want to continue with our relationship. But she is and was my best friend... what do you think I should do? HELP!!

for the Whole Story of what happened, check out my first posting.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=15665.1&ctx=128

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:03pm
Take some time apart from each other with no contact until you're over her, then re-establish a friendship. Think in terms of *postphoning* the friendship (I find that helps). I've managed to be friends with a number of exes, but not right away. It can take months or even years, but if the friendship is really there, you'll manage to re-connect when you're ready.

How do you know when it's time? When you'd be perfectly fine and happy for her hearing about her great new bf. Until you're "there", you're not ready to be friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 4:13pm
that sounds like very good advise, my exbf asked me if we could stay friends, still play tennis blah blah, I said that right now I didn't know if I could since I still had strong feelings, and he said ok then. I knew if I saw him, I wouldn't be able to just play tennis, I would think the whole time, who is he seeing now? does he miss me? are we going home after this together for another one nighter? (which happened last time we were supposedly being "just friends") So, as I am getting better, I think in time, it would be fun to kick his ass again, but only when I don't have an emotional attachment to him. Hopefully that will be soon! thanks again, you are so right

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 6:36pm
That's what the concensus is saying... no contact till I can handle the fact that she will be (if she isn't already) with someone else. Well, we never actually established that we wouldn't have any contact... she just calls every 3 or 4 days right now and I've seen her less and less over the past 3 weeks (as of tomorrow it will be a week since I saw her last). Last Friday we gave each other long, emotional hugs when we saw each other and she took copies of some pictures I just had developed, saying "You look SO cute in these! I'm taking them!" There seem to be pros and cons for calling and NOT calling... I'm just having a hard time weighing them. I REALLY want to call her tonight. Anyone been in the same situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 6:57pm
you say you may want to continue the relationship..does this mean you want her back? you guys sound liek you are stil a couple at this point..if you still love each other and can work things out,that is one thing..if that is not going to happen,then best to keep distance so you don`t get attached..if you still talk to her keep in mind if you do have strong feelings,she may not feel the same
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 6:59pm
We've pretty much ALL been in this situation, and the only thing that works is to have no contact for as long as it takes to get over someone, and no contact means NO CONTACT. It means you don't ACCEPT contact from her, either.

The pro of calling is that you get a fix of "her". The con is that every fix means that the day you will finally be over her is that much further in the distance. The clock starts over every time you talk to her or see her, or even see her name come up on caller ID.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:30pm
I'd love to be back with her - but we came to a conclusion in February that there were some things that made it hard for her to see us as a long term relationship, so we chose to end it instead of watching it atrophy. For the first few months nothing changed, we still did EVERYTHING a couple does. But over the last month and a half, she's pulled away more and more. I KNOW she still cares for me - she told me a few weeks ago that I was still her favorite person (something we'd say to each other all the time). I'm already "attached".. i never wanted to let her go. But i DO want to save the friendship, ultimately. It would be great to get together again, but if that's not possible, then I'd like to remain friends, since we HAVE had a VERY powerful friendship for 4 years. I realize that she may not feel the same now... it's almost obvious SOMETHING has changed in the last month. But again, she and I have NEVER talked about ANY of this yet, so to start the NC thing would feel like jumping the gun till I have closure. AFTER that, it seems that everyone agrees NC is the way to go, whether it's to remain friends or just to heal and move on. I just don't think it's time for that yet, do you?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:39pm
It seems like I made this suggestion to you before, but maybe I'm confusing you with someone else.

You should send her an email saying something like, "Right now, I need to not talk with or see you for a while so I can move on. However, I value our friendship and look forward to reconnecting with you down the road. I'll get in touch with you when I'm ready. Take care."

I'm curious, what more "closure" do you feel you need? It's over. You need to accept that. That's how you get "closure". It doesn't come from a conversation with her, it comes from you accepting that it's over.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:52pm
ugh...I feel for you..see me and my ex broke up barely 3 mos ago,over rumors i heard from him..i don`t think he did the things,BUT the jerk that was telling these rumors and things to his now ex(who I have been good friends with for a long time)was stil lfriends with my ex when telling these rumors and it pissed me off my ex still hung out with him..so needless to say I wasn`t sure what to believe anymore and we broke up and he is upset with me,told me in text message he still care alot but is upset how I acted..i asked him if he would like to be friends he said he would like that...of course you never know what an exes intentions are..but i am still annoyed with all the crap that happenend,but at same time i dont hate him for it,so i can understand how you feel.But after hearign all those stories going around,it makes me realize I really can`t be with him,so maybe it is easier for me than it is for you?one of the rumors was my ex tried to pay for a girl at a bar,or did rather,and this really ticked me off,because the jerk who told these rumors was trying ot pick up girls at bars while he was going out with my friend and it bothered me my ex would go to bars with him,of course he said he never did things but hey,how am I supposed to believe that ya know? so i guess it depends on teh situation,hwo you broke up,what you broke up over,and your definition of being friends..I woudl never hang out with him,just talk on phone here and there..as far as hangign out with an ex,that is way different,it can be really hard.if you want to stay friendly with her,then talk to her on phine or email,but don`t see her..hoep this helps
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 10:57am
No that was me a few days ago... I thought she and I would have talked by now. It's still bothering me.

As far as what kind of closure I need, we supposedly split in February. But nothing changed - we were still together all the time and acted and did everything that a couple does in an active relationship. She talked about us traveling together and being OK financially since she got a big promotion. That gave me hope that the relationship was mending. But over the last month or so, she's been pulling away more and more. I feel confused by the mixed messages I was getting and I want to know what happened. What was she feeling since February? I don't want to make the same "mistakes" in another relationship. And, yes, I do STILL have strong feelings for her and something in me needs to say goodbye to her. If I could just turn my back and NOT contact her for a few months, I would, but an e-mail or note saying "don't call me, I'll call you" seems to leave me questioning. I want to learn from this.. take something away with me so that instead of letting this happen again, I can have a stronger relationship with someone else, or her, in the future. And I want to say goodbye, since this wasn't a messy breakup, it just took a long time. Is that wrong? Am I being too "soft"? It's hard for me to think straight - and I DO value everyones advice and comments VERY much!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 12:50pm
You know I think you are both in a confusing place. You said you broke up, but nothing changed. This means that she was in a position to leave or not feel responsible for a relationship, but still got to see you. And although i don't think she did it maliciously or knowingly, it is extremely selfish because you still care about her a great deal and want it to work, but she can't commit to that.

I know you don't want to, but i REALLY strongly suggest you go cold turkey for awhile. No contact, phone calls or email. The only way you can move on is to establish a life for yourself without her. If this relationshpi has a chance in the future, it needs to seperate itself from the current relationship which did not work. Does that make sense?

I know how you feel, i also had a breakup a few weeks ago, we love eachother dearly and always treated eachother right, but his self-esteem issues caught up with him and he couldn't be possibly love me if he can't love himself. This is difficult for me because we tried working through this before but it didn't work. So this means that I feel for him in that I want him to be happy, I love him and wanted a future with him, but he is unable to give that to me. Would have been much easier if he was a horrible person but he isnt and i only want good things for him.

We haven't talked since the breakup and it is hard as hell but I KNOW that whether we can work things out in teh future, changes have to occur within him so that the relaitonship patterns wouldn't repeat. I really think you need to do the same. You need to distance yourself from what DIDN"t work, and later, when you are BOTH able emotionally, you can reconnect. But its to unfair to you to be kept on a leash because your life hasn't changed that much (except for lately) and it really needs to to progress.

I wish you all the best and although i know you think the best tihng for you is to be with her (i feel that too) you HAVE to make the best hting for you YOU right now. No matter how painful, I think this is the only way you MAY have a chance in the future.

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