Should I reconnect with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Should I reconnect with him?
4
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 12:44pm

After reading Sandra's article on Space, I thought maybe this would be a good place to go for advice. I posted it elsewhere but got no response ... I really need some thoughts, please!

Two weeks ago my BF of three months told me that he wanted space. Though it hurt, I gave it to him, and after a few days we started putting things back together. Then, this past Sunday, he called me (we were both in different states visiting family) and said he wanted to be single again and for us to just be friends.

I spent the first 24 hours crying hysterically and even took a day off work, but I have gathered up my friends around me and filled up my evening plans for the next week. I'm working hard to put my energy back into me and my grad school plans, and made a pact with myself to engage in NC for at least two weeks. With this time apart, I have really been analyzing our relationship and have begun to notice a wide variety of problems that I previously ignored because I was so much in love with him. All my friends have been commenting on how well I am doing dealing with this breakup.

The problem, however, is that while I have been dutifully avoiding contact, he has sent me two IM's, one asking how I am and one asking if I want to go together to an event we had planned and paid for weeks ago. I don't know if he just wants to alieviate his guilt, if this is his idea of "being friends", or if he's starting to have second thoughts about breaking up now that he's been without me.

My first instinct was, of course, to write him back and say I would love to go together, but I thought better of it and didn't; now I'm thinking I should tell him I'll see him there and maybe let him drive me home. Either way, I have several days to respond, in my opinion. I know I can't take him back unless certain things change in his overall treatment of me, but I am hurt and disappointed (I really thought I would marry this man) and would probably give it another try if he wanted to.

So what do you think his motive is in contacting me, and what should my response be to his offer?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 2:09pm

I think his motive is that he wants to be friends, just as he told you. If you're not ready (and few people who were broken up with would be, this soon), then just send him an email letting him know you appreciate him staying in touch but you need some time without contact before you can be friends and you'll contact him when you're ready.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 5:10pm

I would not try to have a friendship with him. He decided he didn't want to be together anymore - together involves friendship as well as other things. My ex and I have had no contact since our breakup a few weeks ago and it is for the best. I know if I see him I will have those feelings rush back to me. Also, I noticed that since I have been out of the relationship, I can look back at it and see all the times in which I allowed myself to be last on his list.

I just feel that if he wants space, you should give it to him - totally. You need to find someone that wants to be with you - friends and more!

I would not go to the event with him, either. I think it would be a setback to your healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 5:26pm

First, I don't really mind the idea of maintaining contact with him in the long term - my last boyfriend and I are still very good friends despite the fact that we are no longer "together" and I wouldn't trade his friendship for anything. There were a lot of reasons why I fell in love with this boy and the good that I saw in him then has not gone away, whether or not we are meant to be as lovers.

Second, the event that is coming up is the end of a class series that we took together; I hate the idea of missing out on the culmination of something I enjoy just to avoid seeing him. Why should I do that, when he's the one who broke my heart?

Finally, he says he wants space and not to be my boyfriend, BUT it is he who asked me if I wanted to go with him, which would involve his picking me up (I don't have a car) and dropping me back off at home. If he is capable of maintaining contact and a (friendly) relationship with me, why should I not be capable of being just as mature?

Is it sad that I also feel that if we can stay friends that that could eventually evolve back into a romance, once he sees that I am not trying to take away his freedom?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 4:44pm

Because he's the one who broke up with you, that's why he can be friends. It's not about maturity. He knows that's what he wants with you--FRIENDSHIP. You OTOH are hoping that he'll change his mind. That's why it's not a good idea for you.

Sheri