Should I see him again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Should I see him again?
6
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 4:56pm

Hi all,

Here's my story. I'm originally from Serbia, but I've moved to USA 8 years ago, when I was 16. I finished high school and college here, and now I have a pretty decent job that I enjoy. I've been in a long distance relationship with a guy (let's call him N.) from my home country since I was 19. He's 2 years older than me. We've met online first in 2001 after I "broke up" with my previous long distance boyfriend who I've never met in real life. At first N. became a very good friend to me, as we had some common interests and spent lots of time talking online about everything. We both started developing feelings for each other, but since we were so far apart, I didn't want to start another pointless long distance relationship.

However, a year later, in 2002, I came back to Serbia to spend a summer with my old friends, so I met N. in real life too. In the meantime he had a girlfriend there and broke up with her, but we were in almost constant contact over the Internet. To make the long story short, we hooked up. What was supposed to be a one summer thing became a long-time long-distance relationship. He couldn't get the visa to come to USA to visit me, but I went to Serbia to visit him. All together, I went there 4 times in 4 years of our relationship: summer 2002, summer 2004, winter 2004, spring 2006. Every time after that first visit in 2002, I would go there, stay at his house and have a good time. However I couldn't stay there for more than 1-3 months at a time, so most of the time our relationship felt very lonely and was filled with longing for something unreachable and unattainable.

We agreed that we would both finish college and then he would move to USA to live with me. I even suggested moving somewhere in Europe so we both have a new start and he doesn't feel like he has to sacrifice more than I do. As time went by, I finished a 4 year program in 3 and a half years, doing summer school just to finish asap. I got my Bachelor's diploma by the end of 2005 and expected him to be done with his studies in a few months.

Unfortunately, his life is "very different from mine" as he used to put it. His parents are rich, and everything was always provided for him. He never had to lift a finger in his life in order to get whatever he wanted. Even though he sometimes had a pretty strong drive to do something, it usually was something he was interested in, but those things and times were few and far in between. He did show great dedication to the projects he was working on with his friends, but he was more of a manager and organizer than he did any actual work. So when it came to school, he started a 2 year program beginning 2003, and by the end of 2006 he was still not finished with his second year.

In 2004 we got engaged. We had great plans together. We wanted to spend our lives together. But he always had time for everything. He was never in a hurry to get where we wanted to go. For him now took priority over the future. And every time I asked him when is he going to be ready to live with me, he never had a definite answer. Then in 2006 I got a good paying job. I told him to leave his school and everything there in Serbia and if he really loves me to come live with me and I will pay for his college, his room, his food, his books, his car... his everything. It wouldn't be the kind of rich life he's used to, but at least we would be finally together after 4 and a half years of waiting.

His response was as always that it's not the right time, that his parents would never agree to let him go like that and be dependent on someone else, he needs to finish school first, he doesn't want to run away from home, etc, etc. And when I asked him then when he plans to finish school, he said pretty vaguely by the end of 2007.

I couldn't wait any longer, so I broke up with him. I was already 23, and didn't want to waste any more of my time on a relationship that's so undefined and brings me more sorrow and frustration than joy and happiness. I told him I want to be single again and have a chance to meet new people that I can see more than once a year, and if he's done with school and I'm still single and he still wants me, I'll consider getting back with him, because we had some good times, and in real life we really rarely argued.

He didn't take it too well. At first he was in denial for a few months, and then I found a new boyfriend locally. It's been more than a year since then. I'm happy with my new boyfriend and I love him very much. In the past year I tried to be nice to N. but he was very difficult to deal with. He goes through phases of depression to phases of rage and anger. Rarely he's normal and his old self, but he's always blaming me for ruining his life, for leaving him "just so I can f*** someone every day" and for not giving our relationship a fair chance, since he would have come to see me here beginning this year if I wasn't so selfish to break up with him and hurt him so much just for my own happiness. He sent threats to me and my new boyfriend, called me names, forbidden me to talk to all of our mutual friends, etc. He was very abusive after the breakup, but when I think about it now, he wasn't much better when we were together either.

Now I'm going back to Serbia again to visit my friends and relatives. I don't know if I should see him or not. He said he needed to see me again and have a closure for his feelings toward me. I wish we could be friends again, but he is not mature enough to accept the fact that he can't always get everything he wants. I'm afraid of what he might do if he finds out I'm there without me telling him (and he might, since we do have many friends in common, and some of them I will meet up with), but I'm also not sure if I should tell him I'm coming and see him while I'm there...

I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm pretty much confused... Any thoughts? Ideas?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 5:18pm

Welcome to the board wvchuvw,


Sounds like you made the best decision for yourself and he's not able to accept it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 12:17pm

Definitely you should NOT see him again. To what end? For what purpose? "Closure" is not something you can give him, it is something he must do for himself without you. I'm not at all sure why you'd continue to have contact with someone like him when you're dating someone else. It's misplaced loyalty. Don't you want to be able to FULLY enjoy your current relationship without soiling it with drama from your past?

If you're trying to be "his friend" and that's why you're remaining in contact, I can tell you it's actually working against you. Reason for that is because you're giving him an outlet for his anger, he's able to direct right at you and your boyfriend, and he needs to learn to heal himself without raging at you that way.

He had his chance, about five years' worth of it if I follow your story correctly, to get his act together and he never did. You move on and so now it's all *your* fault that he never stood up as a man to claim your relationship? Oh no, no no no. He had his chance and he threw it completely away, that is no one's fault but his.

However, being that he's obviously used to being coddled and spoiled, not ever having to take responsibility for his own actions or actually, lack of them, it's easier for the young master to blame it all on someone else. Don't be that person for him. Don't be the witness to his tantrums.

What's the quickest way to quiet a child throwing a tantrum? Walk away. They can't perform if there is no audience.

Good luck to you,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 1:24am

Thanks for your answers. I was thinking along the same lines. At first I was feeling guilty for leaving him like that, because after all I did love him. But after all the things that he did in the past year since I broke up with him, I don't really feel guilty at all. However, I do feel sorry for him, but that's not the reason why I'm considering meeting him one last time.

First, we were engaged. Most of our important life decisions were made face to face. I think he can't accept the fact that I left him because I ended the relationship over the phone/internet, not in person. There is also the question of the engagement ring which I would very much like to return to him and have it firmly and formally finished in person. I think he's still secretly hoping that if we meet again, I'll change my mind and come back to him, which I have no intention of doing. Maybe if I looked him in the eye and told him that it's over it might finally get through to him.

Second and somewhat bigger problem are our mutual friends. When I go back to Serbia I will inevitably meet some of my friends that are either his friends too, or are just friends with his friends. It's very likely that he will find out that I'm there and if he doesn't hear it from me first he might do something stupid and potentially dangerous (I think he is a coward, but he might still do some damage). Last time he found out I was in contact with some of our mutual friends he contacted me again, very angry, saying that I'm not letting him forget about me (we didn't talk for 2 weeks before that). I don't really want to lose contact with all of our mutual friends nor to have them choose between him or me.

So my idea right now is to ask him out for lunch when I go there, talk to him in a public place, give him back the ring and his things that I still have with me, and have one of my friends pick me up, so that N. can't follow me. I hope that it would show enough respect to
finally break up with him in person, but it would also keep me safe. I'll ask him not to contact me for at least a year after that.

I don't know if that would work as I hope it would, so maybe I should bring a friend along just in case...

I wish he could have just let me go without all of this. :/

Thanks again

-Ivana

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 3:29am

I had an emotionally abusive stalker ex-boyfriend. I personally would not meet with this guy. If you do, I suggest you meet only briefly, and don't even sit down. Have another guy present the whole time.

Do not give him the chance to abuse you again. There is no need to sit and chat. He will continue to be mean and abusive, unless of course, he tries to be sweet and manipulate you first, before turning mean when you stand firm.

Good luck with the trip and be sure to protect yourself.

Hugz.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 1:23pm

Hmm, given the new details (engagement ring to be returned) and the fact you plan to do it in the daytime and have someone there with you, I'd say you have given this some very thoughtful consideration. Personally, I'd ship the ring back insured post (signature req'd), but everyone has their reasons. Just be sure you're safe and don't put yourself in a compromising situation. Since he's a whole ocean away and hasn't shown any initiative in seeing you even once, I'd say you're pretty safe from him as long as you maintain the distance. He sounds like a baby, to be honest with you.

A couple of things, if you're set on doing this make sure you have someone there, at least a certain but very safe distance. Meaning they can easily see/reach you the whole time, maybe not necessarily hear the discussion, but certainly within eyesight. Keep the meeting to less than 30 mins, definitely. Be firm. There's nothing you have to say to him that can't be hashed out in less than half an hour in broad daylight.

At your ages, your friends are more than capable of making up their own minds about who they want to be friends with. So, if they want to be friends with you and him, that's between them and him, it has nothing to do with you. He can't control *everyone* around him, which is what he's trying to do. Another sign of total immaturity.

Good for you for finally closing the door on this, it's been holding you back, I can tell. The world's about to open up to you. Question: Have you discussed this with your boyfriend?

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 6:25pm

Thanks for the advices. I have discussed this with my boyfriend, and he is very supportive. He would of course prefer that I don't see N. when I go back, and honestly, so would I, but I'm afraid I can't really avoid it. He recommended me to take a stronger male friend with me if I do meet with N. just in case he tries to do something. I think you are right, and I should make the meeting brief. I'm planning to meet at a public place with a lot of people around. Make the talk short, tell him that it's over, that I'm sorry that it didn't work out, and that I don't want to see or hear him again for at least a few years until he grows up. Then hand him over his things that I've picked up over the years, and the engagement ring. And then just go away with my friend.

I've managed to stay friends with my other exes, so I was hoping this would work the same way, but unfortunately, he's making it a lot harder than it should have been.

I still have a few weeks to get ready, so hopefully it'll go smoothly. I'll keep you posted.