Should I Send Her my "Closure" Letter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Should I Send Her my "Closure" Letter?
12
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 7:35pm

Just about a month ago, I relayed the story of a "break-up" that I had with a close friend. (You can find that post here: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22834.1&x=y)

In the weeks that have passed, I've struggled mightily with both my emotions and my understanding of the events that led to the end of our friendship. Lately, I've found that I've gone from feeling and confused to really angry.

My anger is rooted in the fact that my friend made a lot of really unfair assumptions about me, leading up to her decision that we needed to "take a break" from our friendship. If she had ever taken two minutes to speak to me about any of her concerns, this whole thing could have been averted. But instead, she allowed things to boil just beneath the surface (completely unbeknownst to me) until everything "erupted" this past April.

I feel as though I have an obligation to myself to share with my friend how hurt, angry and betrayed this all makes me feel. I feel like I need to share "my side" of the story with her. To that end, I've written a "closure letter" that outlines my views and arguments. In an effort to make sure that the letter is as constructive as possible, I've revisted it almost every day for the past two weeks, making edits and revisions, and clarifying my thoughts.

Although my letter is as non-venomous as it could possibly be, I have no illusions that sending it will magically repair our friendship. On the contrary, I have little doubt that it will be the final nail in the coffin of our friendship. (I guess it wouldn't be called a closure letter if it didn't.)

All of that said, I'm struggling with when to send it, and if I ever SHOULD send it. Part of me feels like I'm not yet ready to abandon hope that my friend will suddenly "see the light" and that we'll somehow be able to rebuild our friendship. Sending the letter will probably kill that chance. But another part of me feels a strong obligation to myself to share my thoughts with her. And I know that if we did rebuild our friendship and I never shared "my side" of things, I would always resent her for it.

I'm wondering if anyone else on this board has dealt with sending (or receiving) a closure letter, and what it did for your relationship, as well as your personal happiness. Did sending a letter give you the closure you were looking for, or did it just make your heart ache more?

Also, any suggestions as to how long I should wait before sending my letter? Like I said, I don't want to send it too soon and then regret it. My friend and I have emailed each other twice and spoken on the phone once, but in all three instances, our conversations were short (but polite) and it kind of felt as though I was speaking to a stranger. Should I give her a little longer to see if maybe she comes to some conclusions on her own? Or am I fool for holding on to this hope?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 9:03pm
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yea, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 9:13pm

Hi derekz :)

I'm sure you'll get different responses, but IMO, I see nothing wrong with sending her a letter with your feelings and perspective. Just as long as you don't expect a response. It may help you to feel better knowing you got your side of the story told. Who knows, she may be open to further communication after hearing your side.

You say it is not venomous in nature, just giving your perspective...that's good because we never want to end a relationship on a bad note if we can help it.

Sounds like she didn't give you the chance to hear her concerns so you could address them. I'm thinking that some of us women are just so used to men who can't handle communicating and can't emot that we'd rather not even bother at times.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but if makes you feel better because you've spoken your peace, go for it. Like I said, though, send it without expectation of a response.

JMHO

withclarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 1:41pm

Welcome back derekz,


I love the 'Let it Be' advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 9:51pm
I wrote a closure letter, but I never sent it. Just writing it down was all I needed to do to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 10:02pm

I did what everyone said NOT to do...and I did write 3 letters....and sent them..one...angry, and got an angry email back...the second I wrote, and read to him over the phone...He took NOTES so he could counter argue (so dumb)...and third one was the real "closure" and said that I couldn't be friends with him, he talked down to me, and basically called him out. He wrote back "I won't bother you anymore, Maybe we can be friends later, good luck with everything".

Honestly it ended the waiting game, it closed me off from getting hurt anymore, and it let him know that he wasn't going to get to be my friend by treating me badly.

I haven't heard from him since..and that was over 2 months ago I think, I stopped crossing out the days.

So I say whatever makes you happy, but if it keeps snowballing and you keep going back and forth...just cut it off, let it be known that you can not be friends with her right now...that's how I worded it...because it leaves it open for when you are ready, not her.

hope it helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 11:40pm

My friend emailed me tonight. The email was nothing heavy... just an update on her travel plans for this summer and wishing me a fun Memorial Day weekend.

I'm feeling very conflicted about the whole thing.

On the one hand, it was wonderful to know that she was thinking of me. I truly felt as though she'd written me off completely.

On the other hand, the email made no reference to the argument we had, or the things that were said between us. As I was extremely hurt by the things she said and wrote to me the last time we talked, I cannot help but feel a little bit upset by the fact that her email seems to "gloss over" all of this history. I'm just not capable of pretending that it didn't happen.

How should I respond? Should I respond at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 12:43pm

Hi derekz,


Maybe she was 'testing' the waters to see how you would respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:43pm

Ok, one: DON'T send the letter.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:47pm

Sandra,

Thanks so much for the response.

I wish I could share in your optimism that this is, in fact, an olive branch. But I just don't know. And quite frankly, I'm afraid to "go there," only to ultimately discover that she is not (and never will be) prepared to have that difficult discussion. Best case scenario, I'm afraid that we'll never discuss things and the resentment and anger that is there now will eventually rear its ugly head. I honestly don't think I can go through this again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 7:29pm

Um, do you plan to live your life in fear of the unknown? Because whatever happens in this situation, if you succumb to the uncertainty now, that is what you will train your psyche to do. And from this point on, each time you feel an uncertainty similar to this (not same situation, but similar uncertainty) guess how you will react?

Life is going to throw you curveballs. You either roll with them or you don't. My own sister said she didn't want to see, speak to or hear from me again. Now, you could say, "That's your sister, she wouldn't mean that." to which I would respond, "That was your close friend, she wouldn't mean that." I could sit there, thinking my relationship with my sister is ruined, or I could sit there thinking up all kinds of conditions for me to forgive what she said to me, think of "acceptable" ways for her to approach me and if her approach didn't meet my specifications or desires, then all bets are off, OR I could decide that my relationship with her is more important than my pride and fear and I could accept an olive branch in whatever way it's offered, simply because it's being offered by my sister.

Another story: My ex and I had been broken up for about three months, the first two we didn't see each other at all and barely spoke. One month after we started talking and had seen each other a few times, we had the nastiest, most horrible, most emotionally-draining and frightening argument imaginable. No violence, but horrible things were said. I honestly felt we'd never speak again. I didn't even want to. He offered an olive branch, a bit clumsy but it was sincere, and it was there. Anyway, so I accepted the gesture.

He then asked for forgiveness and I readily gave it to him, maybe a little too soon. My heart was willing, my mind held onto the words longer. Long about a month after that, my resentment had grown and I was ready to walk away from the budding friendship. I finally told him how his words had made me feel and that I didn't want to feel that way again. Didn't tell him what to do or anything, just said I didn't want to feel that way again. I said I wouldn't bring it up to him again (and I havent') but I also expected I would not have to (and I haven't). My ex and I are better friends now, I believe, than we were when we were dating, our interactions as people and as friends is something I'm very proud of both of us for being able to bridge the gap and it's getting better all the time.

I believe the reason for that and for my relationship with my sister is because
1. You cut the ones you love some slack
2. In my relationships I'd rather be happy than necessarily right (plus if I'm happy, then I'm eventually right anyway)
3. The true measure of a relationship's strength is NOT in the easy or happy times, but rather how you handle the tough times
4. I feel the fear and do it anyway because there are no guarantees in life.

You'll discuss things, but maybe not right away. So get down off your high horse cuz it's skittish anyway, and write your friend back. You'll thank me later.

Best,

Myspace CodesMyspace Text Generator, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace, Myspace CodesMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace Graphics

Myspace Codes

Pages