Should I Send Her my "Closure" Letter?
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| Fri, 05-18-2007 - 7:35pm |
Just about a month ago, I relayed the story of a "break-up" that I had with a close friend. (You can find that post here: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22834.1&x=y)
In the weeks that have passed, I've struggled mightily with both my emotions and my understanding of the events that led to the end of our friendship. Lately, I've found that I've gone from feeling and confused to really angry.
My anger is rooted in the fact that my friend made a lot of really unfair assumptions about me, leading up to her decision that we needed to "take a break" from our friendship. If she had ever taken two minutes to speak to me about any of her concerns, this whole thing could have been averted. But instead, she allowed things to boil just beneath the surface (completely unbeknownst to me) until everything "erupted" this past April.
I feel as though I have an obligation to myself to share with my friend how hurt, angry and betrayed this all makes me feel. I feel like I need to share "my side" of the story with her. To that end, I've written a "closure letter" that outlines my views and arguments. In an effort to make sure that the letter is as constructive as possible, I've revisted it almost every day for the past two weeks, making edits and revisions, and clarifying my thoughts.
Although my letter is as non-venomous as it could possibly be, I have no illusions that sending it will magically repair our friendship. On the contrary, I have little doubt that it will be the final nail in the coffin of our friendship. (I guess it wouldn't be called a closure letter if it didn't.)
All of that said, I'm struggling with when to send it, and if I ever SHOULD send it. Part of me feels like I'm not yet ready to abandon hope that my friend will suddenly "see the light" and that we'll somehow be able to rebuild our friendship. Sending the letter will probably kill that chance. But another part of me feels a strong obligation to myself to share my thoughts with her. And I know that if we did rebuild our friendship and I never shared "my side" of things, I would always resent her for it.
I'm wondering if anyone else on this board has dealt with sending (or receiving) a closure letter, and what it did for your relationship, as well as your personal happiness. Did sending a letter give you the closure you were looking for, or did it just make your heart ache more?
Also, any suggestions as to how long I should wait before sending my letter? Like I said, I don't want to send it too soon and then regret it. My friend and I have emailed each other twice and spoken on the phone once, but in all three instances, our conversations were short (but polite) and it kind of felt as though I was speaking to a stranger. Should I give her a little longer to see if maybe she comes to some conclusions on her own? Or am I fool for holding on to this hope?

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Well, I emailed my friend back. I thanked her for reaching out to me, but I wrote to her that I really am not capable of just "glossing over" everything that has happened. I stated that I'd be happy to resume some kind of a friendship with her, but only after we have that difficult conversation.
I suppose that an argument can be made that a more gracious person simply would have accepted the olive branch and used it as a building block to have that conversation at some point down the road. But each situation is different, and there is no guarantee that would ever have happened. In fact, knowing my friend's personality, it seems unlikely.
So I did what was best for me and took a stand. I know I'll go to bed tonight feeling a little sad at the prospect that maybe I've said goodbye for good, but in the long run I think it was the right decision for me to make.
Time will tell.
Like you said, each situation, natch, each person is different, and you know your friend best. I'm glad you took the chance, and I'm very hopeful that it will work out eventually.
Two thumbs way up ;o)
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