Should I stay friends with my ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Should I stay friends with my ex?
6
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:27am
My boyfriend of 10 months recently broke up with me. We had been going through a rough patch and fighting and arguing but I wouldn't have thought breaking up was the answer. Anyways, he says he is still in love with me but that he just can't be with me right now because he has lots of stuff going on and doesn't know how to deal with it all. He says he can't say whether or not he will want to get back together and he says one day he can't stand the thought of not being with me and other days he's fine with it...I still love him very much and hope to work things out, he wants to be friends but that is pretty hard for me since I would prefer the relationship and I am incredibly hurt. When I told him I needed space and couldn't be his friend right away because it was too hard for me, he was upset/angry with me and said I was turning my back on him. I don't know what to do, I love him, I want to be with him and he's unsure and going through a tough time, should I be friends with him even though it would be very hard for me? I don't want this to reuin the possibilty of either friendship or reconciliation in the future...any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 12:34pm
He said *you* are turning your back on HIM? Seems the other way around. He broke up with YOU. I went through this same thing. Do what you feel you should do, but my advice to you is to cut him off completely. It will be super hard, but it will help him realize what he wants. That whole in-between friend thing can really cause some major major hurt beyond the mere breakup. The lines are hard to see, the boundaries hard to read when you stick around "as friends" with that emotional connection and the hope to reconcile. My X and I had such a deep "friendship" then little by little he kept moving farther away till I found out he had been dating someone else even though he swore he was just going through a lot with work and family issues in his life and still needed me around. Trust me there is way more pain involved to stick around as friends hoping for reconciliation.
I really feel for you. I never never want to be back where I was last year. It was an awful time.
I'd say invest your energy in other people now. You will need it. As hard as it is, cut him off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 1:07pm

WELL I THINK YOU DID THE RIGHT THING NOT BEING FRIENDS WITH HIM AT ALL. COZ IF, ITS GOING TO BE HARD FOR YOU TO FORGET ABOUT HIM AND ACTUALLY THE CHANGES THAT YOU GET BACK WITH HIM. COZ FOR MY OWN OPINION GUY CANT FIGURED OUT IF HE STILL LOVES YOU. IF YOU WILL BE AROUND STILL AND HE WONT KNOW YOUR VALUE. THATS THE IMPORTANT PART KNOWING YOUR VALUE.

RIGHT NOW JUST LET HIM MISSED WHAT HE LOST. I KNOW ITS HARD BUT YOU COULD DO THAT...ANYWAYS YOUR ALREADY START DOING IT RIGHT NOW!!!

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:48pm
No, I wouldn't be his friend. He just wants you on the side. He wants you to be his friend and the days he feels like having a girlfriend, he'll think he can go to you. AS HARD AS THIS IS FOR YOU, you need to stop all contact and not be friends. It will be really tough and hard but remember that you are doing the right thing, and maybe down the road you can be friends, but not right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 6:26pm

I totally understand what you're going through. My boyfriend, of 4 years, just broke things off a little over a month ago now. It was also due to the arguing. Anyway, he said that he also wanted to remain friends but understood if that would be too difficult. Well, I didn't want to lose him and couldn't bear the thought of not having my best friend present in my life everyday so I agreed. It was hard trying to figure out this new "relationship" we had going, and naturally I think the lines were blurred. But I really was/am too scared to lose him so I wanted to remain in contact.

With the urge of my friends, and close family, everyone really recommended I stop all contact as he needs to feel the full effect of what he has asked for - which is essentially for us to not be in a relationship. So as of this past Sunday, we have tried not to speak. It's difficult, but we tried being friends and that didn't seem to help me, and it obviously didn't help him to want to reconcile. So this is the last string of hope I have, and worse case scenario I can learn to move on.

I don't know if that helps you - I don't know if it'll even help me. But, I guess it makes sense.

Keep your chin up and good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:28pm

It was sunday for me too when we stoped talking...after he broke up with me he called me every other day and he was the one always asking to see me and I never called him or said yes to seeing him until this past sunday...i thought we should talk and thought that he must be missing me if he was calling all the time and wanted to see me...well you know the rest obviously we are not together and he thinks i've turned my back on him...this weekend is his birhtday which is making it even harder for me not to contact him...if i didn't even call to say happy birthday then he would totally think i was turning my back on him and i don't want that...I still don't know yet what i'm going to do...i need some more time to figure out what is best for me and what i can and can't handle.

I hope things work out for you...normally my advice to my friends is also to cut off all contact and forget they even exsisted but it's always different when it's your heart that's broken...if getting back together with your ex is what you want I hope that works out for you and if not i hope you move on quickly...I hate being in this place right now and wish i could fast forward through.

Good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 5:14pm

It really is hard, if not impossible, to go from a romantic relationship with someone to being his buddy/pal/friend or whatever term you care to call it. Do you really need another friend??? My advice for you right now is to lean on the people you truly consider your friends. Those are the friends that you need to find support in....not him!

Best of luck!