Should I stay or show I go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2009
Should I stay or show I go?
6
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 9:44pm

I am a 49 year old woman in a relationship with a 53 year old man. We live in a small town about 50 miles from the nearest city in the southeast. I have been with this man for almost 4.5 years. We met at a social event several years ago, began to email each other and started to date. He is a self employed CPA and I was laid off from my job of that I had almost 17 years, 4 years ago due to the economy. I went back to work last October and I have to drive almost 60 miles each way 5 days a week and work second shift. I leave the house around 10 am and get home about 9pm each day. He works out of the house and does remote contract work and mostly remote work for his tax clients. Most of his clients are in the city where we came from. 

My BF was married before, had a nasty breakup and has two grown, married children. He has a brother, whom he has not spoken to in over 8 years. Both his parents are dead. The reason he moved to this small, dying town, is to be close to the memories of his ancestors, which I find odd and creepy. His life revolves around his dog, preserving and promoting his Confederate history and engaging in intellectually challenging conversation with anyone who challenges his views on the Confederacy. It is like he is stuck in the past, finds comfort in it and does not want to plan for the future, but just live for today. He has no savings, owes back taxes and his house is not paid for. Up until recently, he had no health insurance. He makes his living during the 3 short months during tax season. The rest of the year, he limps along financially. He threw away a chance to be a top financial officer at a major company many years ago because he could not handle the pressure of the job, in more ways than one. When his new boss, which he abhored, told him to take down his Confederate stuff in his office, that was the beginning of the end of his corporate career. When he told his x wife that he wanted to start his own business, she flew off the handle...It was the beginning of the end of that relationship too. He struggled with his own business and was barely able to sell it before 911 hit. He said he never recovered financially from his first marriage. Well, almost 10 years later, he is still struggling financially. He blames the economy than his lack of effort. He wants to stay in a town with no job opportunities for me. He would rather stay at home, in his office, while I risk life and limb going to work every day for little pay. Our situation goes on and on... 

The many occasions, when it came to talking about money, it is like hitting a brick wall. He refuses to discuss it. He likes living in this dying town. He hated the city he from and wanted to get out of there for the peace and quiet of here. The long and short of it he basically said to me, 'I won't change. Either you are with me or you are not'. Talk about ultimatiems. It goes on. I feel trapped. He knows he has me. He knows I have no place to go. No friends. No family to take me in. I am one paycheck away from the street. Total abandonment. He said he would never do that to me. You know talk is cheap. I keep telling myself, that I have to remain level headed and hang on until I get a promotion or something at my job so I can support myself again...It is very scary for a single woman at my age...

I could go on and will...Help, advice and suggestions welcome. Thanks 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 12:33pm

I risk life and limb going to work every day for little pay.

Wow, what do you do exactly that is so dangerous?

If I were not mistaken, you have been posting under another name about the same sitution for YEARS!  Everyone told you to go, but here you are again.  Before you were still talking to family and had some money, and now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 12:41pm

You're only "trapped" if he's somehow holding you in a room with a weapon on you.  You go to work every day, so that's apparently not the case.

I'm not sure if you're asking for advice on how to leave him, or how to change him.  Of course, he's never going to "change" (you do know that, right?), so if you're unhappy, leaving is the only option.

Look online for a roommate service for the area where you work.  I did, and found a roommate that way.  Then, when you've settled on a place to rent a room, move!  Problem solved.

It doesn't sound like you're in love with this man (at least I don't see where you mentioned love at all), so the emotional part should be fairly easy for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 1:24pm

Well now that you have a full time job, can't you start saving money so you could move closer to your job?  I'm not clear whether you live with him or not but considering he can barely make ends meet, it's can't be that he's really supporting you financially.  I think it's quite ironic that he's a CPA but has no savings and owes back taxes--most CPAs that I know do work extra during tax season but they also work the rest of the year and are making a pretty good living.  He doesn't seem to be willing to make the effort to do that.  Since you have quite a ways to go before you can retire, you need to think about your own financial future.  All that confederate stuff is creepy too--to me, that means he's a racist.  Is that the kind of person you want to be with?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 11:33am

epf-dublin wrote:
<p>I am a 49 year old woman in a relationship with a 53 year old man. We live in a small town about 50 miles from the nearest city in the southeast. I have been with this man for almost 4.5 years. We met at a social event several years ago, began to email each other and started to date. He is a self employed CPA and I was laid off from my job of that I had almost 17 years, 4 years ago due to the economy. I went back to work last October and I have to drive almost 60 miles each way 5 days a week and work second shift. I leave the house around 10 am and get home about 9pm each day. He works out of the house and does remote contract work and mostly remote work for his tax clients. Most of his clients are in the city where we came from. </p><p>My BF was married before, had a nasty breakup and has two grown, married children. He has a brother, whom he has not spoken to in over 8 years. Both his parents are dead. The reason he moved to this small, dying town, is to be close to the memories of his ancestors, which I find odd and creepy. His life revolves around his dog, preserving and promoting his Confederate history and engaging in intellectually challenging conversation with anyone who challenges his views on the Confederacy. It is like he is stuck in the past, finds comfort in it and does not want to plan for the future, but just live for today. He has no savings, owes back taxes and his house is not paid for. Up until recently, he had no health insurance. He makes his living during the 3 short months during tax season. The rest of the year, he limps along financially. He threw away a chance to be a top financial officer at a major company many years ago because he could not handle the pressure of the job, in more ways than one. When his new boss, which he abhored, told him to take down his Confederate stuff in his office, that was the beginning of the end of his corporate career. When he told his x wife that he wanted to start his own business, she flew off the handle...It was the beginning of the end of that relationship too. He struggled with his own business and was barely able to sell it before 911 hit. He said he never recovered financially from his first marriage. Well, almost 10 years later, he is still struggling financially. He blames the economy than his lack of effort. He wants to stay in a town with no job opportunities for me. He would rather stay at home, in his office, while I risk life and limb going to work every day for little pay. Our situation goes on and on... </p><p><span>The many occasions, when it came to talking about money, it is like hitting a brick wall. He refuses to discuss it. He likes living in this dying town. He hated the city he from and wanted to get out of there for the peace and quiet of here. The long and short of it he basically said to me, 'I won't change. Either you are with me or you are not'. Talk about ultimatiems. It goes on. I feel trapped. He knows he has me. He knows I have no place to go. No friends. No family to take me in. I am one paycheck away from the street. Total abandonment. He said he would never do that to me. You know talk is cheap. I keep telling myself, that I have to remain level headed and hang on until I get a promotion or something at my job so I can support myself again...It is very scary for a single woman at my age...</span></p><p><span>I could go on and will...Help, advice and suggestions welcome. Thanks </span></p>

I can't imagine that living with a parnoid tax dodger stuck in the past with an overblown sense of entitlement and who refuses to take responsibility to "pull himself up by his bootstraps" is ideal, or at the very least, a sexy look, but for some reason, you're convinced that you cannot do better and therefore, you won't do better.

Yes, it is scary for a middle aged woman to not have a roof over her head, so you'd be wise to take the advice offered below and look into roommate services to find someone who has a room in their house to rent so that at least you're away from this man's negative influence.  They are out there--you just have to end your pity party and do some investigating.  Nothing is going to fall out of the sky into your lap. 

Here's something falling in your lap for free:  w w w dot roommates dot com

and

w w w  dot easyroommate dot com <---they have a senior's feature for folks over 50

The only way this guy "knows he has you" is for you to feed into that notion for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 1:50pm
Should I stay or go ? I would say go. P.S . Will you go is the real deal.You wont . You will find many reasons to stay:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 12:21am

Epf-dublin

Hi. You left out some key facts. Do you enjoy each other's company when you're together? Do you have a good sex life? Does he treat you well otherwise? Have you been married previously? Is marriage a priority for you? A lack of money, living somewhere you don't like, and politically incorrect nostalgia for the past aren't automatic dealbreakers for me. I'd want to see your answers to the questions I just asked.  One possible option is you stop living with him, but he remains your boyfriend--e.g. you spend weekends together-- if you otherwise have a benificial relationship with him.