Should I take his offer of money?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Should I take his offer of money?
9
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 3:38pm

Okay it's been a week since my ex and I broke up. He sent me an email yesterday asking me what my plans are. He's obviously tired of living pillow to post. I could care less of course what problem he has trying to find a place to lay his head. However he sent me another email today asking again what my plans are and said he would give me between $2K to $4K dollars for moving expenses. Initially my reaction was this creep is trying to right all of his wrongs in a paycheck. One part of me wants to say to him, screw you and you can't buy me off to ease your conscience about me having to provide a roof over my daughter's head all on my own now due to your inability to be a good man take care of us like you said you would. The other part of me is saying take his money and use it for me and my daughter to get us situated wherever we want.

Would you ladies take his money if you were me? I'll probably not care in the future but right now I don't want him thinking his giving me money rights his wrongs.

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 3:56pm
If he's giving you the money as a GIFT then it'd be fine. Be sure to get his signature saying it's a gift and that there is no promise to pay it back. He indeed may be feeling guilty if he left you with no means of support. If he refuses to sign a note releasing you from any debt I wouldn't take the money. He may have hidden intentions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:28pm

If you don't absolutely need the money, I wouldn't take it. When my ex and I broke up the first time I was left holding several plane tickets. He offered to pay me the amount it would cost to cancel them (just a few hundred dollars). Most of my friends said I was nuts, but I felt the same way as you do - he can't make everything right and be the "nice guy" by giving me money. Eventually he got me a gift certificate for a store I like, and I mailed that back to him. I was proving my point, and a few hundred dollars wasn't going to make or break me.

Your situation is different, however, and if you really need the money then I guess you should take it. If it makes you feel better not to and you have access to the money you need to move from another source, then refuse his offer.

Avatar for lisa19722001
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:44pm

Hi,

It would be wrong to take his money. You would be using him. Decline his offer.

~Lisa L

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 8:08pm
Hey Allison,
If he needs a place to lay his head then he needs to use that 2-4k and get a place. As for you and your daughter, you will need it for her. Did you look into child support? That way he has to pay you and you don't have to give him anything back. Other than that you need to know the underlying reason for him giving up the money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:24am

not quite clear on the situation and important details are left out. for example,
1. is he the father of your child?
2. why is he homeless while able to offer you that much money? very odd
3. was he supporting you two financial or do you work?
4. If you have your own income, why would he need to help you move?
5. are you moving out of HIS house or out of a shared house?

I can see your hesitancy not to take his money; it would feel like a payoff if it were me. ask him to put that $ in an account for your daughter if he really feels he wants to buy off his own guilt. Make that be her college fund and by the time she needs that money, you'll be long over him and your daughter will reap some positive benefits from an otherwise devastating situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 7:43am

Hey Popeyesgal-

Yes he's the father of my 6 month old daughter and I do work. It's such a long story with this man but basically within the past year this will be my 3rd time moving due to my ex's wishy washy behavior. The first time we split up I was 11 weeks pg. He professed his love for me and the baby a month before I was due. He had bought a home while we were apart and said he wanted all of us to be family. I moved in to his home in January. Well in May I found out he cheated on me. He said he made a mistake and I tried to give him another chance but I've had it with him. So this will be my 3rd time having to cough up money to move out and I'm sick of it.

In his email he said he would be consolidating his debts and would be getting money. How I do not know but my guess is he's taking out a loan. I've thought long and hard about this and I think the best thing for me to do is go back to my home state. That way my family is there to help me get through this. To move out of state, I'll have to quit my job and I'm sure it will cost a lot for the movers. While I would love nothing more than to say screw him and just leave. It's not that simple and his money would help out while I'm umemployed back home. Man I hate this. I was so stupid to believe anything selfish jerk said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 10:08am

Wow, that sheds a whole lot more light on it. Three times in one year???? Yes, you were very hopeful that he would change; unfortunately that rarely happens and that's one of the reasons the women on the board keep encouraging each other to be wary of the man who tries to get back together after he already exhibits confusing or selfish behavior. No one changes that quickly, but I guess I don't need to tell you that. IT doesn't help that you're isolated from your family either. No doubt he took advantage of that fact as well.
I remember now your story and I remember writing about the situation with you wanting to keep your daughter away from him while you go through this anger stage.

Now that I know he is the father, by all means take the money. Your stress is your daughter's stress and if that money will help you cope better during the big move, take it. Just be sure to let him know (for your sake) that the money is being used not as a payoff but as a way to make life easier for your daughter. A happy mom is a happier child so take the money for her sake. He is more than obligated to help after jacking you around so many times. Make it THE LAST time. Don't beat yourself up about it, afterall that serves no purpose. Live and learn and remember that saying next time; "fool me once, you're the fool. fool me twice, I'm the fool." Of course, you're no fool but it's just a saying. THe definition of insanity is when people do the SAME thing over and over again expecting a different result.
I suspect your guy is relatively young; either that or he's a very emotionally stunted older man. I've seen this sort of wishy washy crap with a lot of men in their 20's. Our current culture in america really reinforces men to stay as immature and non-comittal as possible. Just watch popular TV and you'll notice it very quickly. I just saw a commercial the other night that made me want to puke. It said, "If you had no part in planning your wedding........(next screen)......then you're a Mitchum Man.......(in a very loud and masculine voice)....mitchum deodorant." So, you see, men are told that a "real" man these days beds as many women as he can and NEVER ties himself down. It's no wonder it's rare to find a man who is marriage and family oriented. Science tries to pin it all on "well men are just naturally non-monogamous...they're supposed to spread their seed around." I have six sisters who have all managed to find wonderful and caring family men who are devoted to their wives and children(my turn will come).
Anyway, that was a total tangent.

I suggest taking the money, getting the heck out of dodge and never looking back (except I guess to collect child support and sending your daughter on visits).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 1:19pm

Yeah I really need the money to help me out so I'm gonna take it. However I will let him know this in no way makes up for all the pain he has caused. One would think he is young but he's 31. He's been married twice which I didn't hold against him. I was married once before myself but now I truly see why he keeps going from woman to woman. The man doesn't know how to love one woman for the rest of his life. He gets bored in stable relationships and for some reason finds reasons to convince himself he's unhappy and moves on. Believe me though, I've reached my fed up point with him. I may have been a fool with him but once I'm done with a man....I'm done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 3:01pm
YOu are clearly no fool- you rock! good luck with the move.