Should I talk to the other woman??!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Should I talk to the other woman??!?!?
6
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 5:41pm
My boyfriend of a year got caught with the other woman by me. When I confronted them, I told her that we had been together a year and that did she ever wonder why she didn't come over to his house all the time and she said why, I told her cause I was always there. Anyways, now that all of this has come out, I have debated as to whether or not give her a letter and copys of pictures that proves he was dating us both at the same time. I have talked to her best friend and she says that the other woman is defending this guy, that he always has an excuse for whatever she asks. Her best friend has even told her that this guy was still stringing me along and that he is just lying to her. I just wonder, I busted him out at the restuarant and she was there, she should believe what she saw with her own two eyes. But now, I have this feeling that he is still seeing her even though he told me that he needed his space to figure out what he wants. Some people tell me not to talk to her, that it would just make the situation worse, but she deserves to know the truth of what he has done. There are other things that I have found out that deals with him trying to hook up with a third girl. I just don't know what to do. I have a feeling if I talk to her she will just run to him and tell him that his crazy ex girlfriend told her all these things. I just don't know what to do and need some advice. I just don't understand how she could sit there and actually go back to him after everything he has lied about and has done. I love him more than anything still after what he has done, but I don't want him back. What should I do?!?!? Please help me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 6:15pm

Interesting, especially if she's still seeing him. When I found out about my exes' other girlfriend, I emailed her and told her all about me. She didn't know anything about me. I was with him 8 years, she, 2 and a half. We actually spent all weekend swapping stories before we confronted him. Turned out he basically took turns with us. We both stayed over his place on a regular basis, went out with him, met family and he told both of us he loved us and was going to marry both of us.

We're now good friends and have comfort in each other when we had to confront him and end all ties. I think you should go ahead and try to contact this woman. If he's anything like my ex, he may be very manipulative and charismatic and having her believing a lie. Me or KS, the other woman do not regret finding out about each other because we were able to bust his ass and ruin things with the new girl he was moving in on.

If she still chooses to stay with a liar and a cheat like like, her problem!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 7:05pm
No, you should not talk to the other woman. You said you "busted" him, that she is aware that he is dating or has dated you. You've realized he's a creep and not for you. Your job now is to heal. You're right, she'll probably think you're his psycho ex girlfriend. And, I don't mean for this to sound insulting, but in a way you are. You're blinded by rage and hurt. What you want is to hurt him, punish him, get justice, ruin his relationship with this other woman. She's a stranger to you, you don't care about her or her feelings (not really). You just want to extract as much revenge as possible from your ex, and don't mind dragging her into it. If she didn't know about you, she's an innocent party, and how would you like some woman to appear in your life, waving around photos and love letters between your guy and her? It would be extremely painful and devastating, wouldn't it? Your boyfriend hurt you. Don't you hurt her to get back at him. Take the higher road, here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 8:03pm
If you don't want him back, don't waste your time. Chances are she will still side with him or she doesn't care because she feels she's the chosen one. Believe me I know because I did it before. My boyfriend of about a year and a half at the time broke up because I suspected he was cheating. It was a risky relationship because his ex had just had his baby. I could tell he was feeling guilty and stressed out so I let him go with her. However, he kept saying he didn't want to get back together with her and he and I kept seeing each other. Me thinking he and I would eventually get back together. Finally he gets busted. Of all ways by e-mail. I completely cut him off. But I felt so hurt and betrayed that I wanted to hurt her too. So I wrote her a three page letter complete with dates and events. I also included a couple of snapshots too. She still wanted him. He eventually left her again and he told me she was very insecure about me. The one thing sending her a letter might do is make her insecure and worried, which she probably already is. But is it really worth it? It wasn't her fault it was his. Put your energy and hurt to positive use. You will feeel much better about yourself in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 8:11pm

I agree with Milton on this one...

Don't contact the other woman. She already knows about you AND she has her best friend telling her the truth about your ex as well. It's her choice whether she wants to believe & accept it or not.

Honestly, she'd probably think you were just a crazy ex. My now ex-boyfriend's old girlfriend got ahold of me once while we were still dating. She told me some very unpleasant things about him--how he still called her & told her he loved her, how he had cheated on her, etc. And while I now believe that she was telling me the truth because he's done the same kind of stuff to me (and a part of me wishes I had listened to her), I really didn't appreciate hearing it. It hurt a LOT. We had never met and she was basically a complete stranger to me, except for what my ex had told me about her in the past.

Another thing--my ex REALLY hated her for doing that. We got into a big fight over it and he blamed her. Even though we made up (he managed to convince me that she was just crazy and had been making stuff up because she still wanted him), I don't think he ever quite forgave her for that. And even though he's your ex and he's hurt you, why bother hurting him? I think Milton is right about you just wanting revenge...and while it's perfectly understandable to feel angry, you should be the better, bigger person here.

Believe me, I've had lots of urges to contact my ex's new girlfriend and tell her all about what a jerk he is. I've wanted to inform her of the fact that he tried to keep me around for the first month or so he was dating her (he told me he loved me, wanted me to come visit when she wasn't around, etc), and that he's a cheater/liar and very manipulative. But I've decided against it. I don't know her, I don't want to hurt her, and I don't have a desire to hurt my ex, no matter what he's done to me. Who he is will be something she is going to have to figure out on her own time, in her own way. And who knows, maybe my ex has changed his ways...maybe this is the right girl for him. It's none of my business.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:03am

Hey,
My bet is that the other girl is going through exactly what you’re going through. I’m sure she’s been asking him questions and he’s lied to her. He’s probably been telling her that he broke up with you, but you can’t just let go and want to ruin things for them and Lord knows what else, just to spare his a**. Well, probably the affair won’t last. She’s obviously developed doubts and can’t trust him. Coz even if she chooses to stay, she knows you might still be into him and maybe he into you, it’ll make her into an insecure wreck and she won’t help but keep on wondering if he’s with you when he’s not with her. She'll be thinking maybe you forgave him and that he might still be seeing you and just being extra careful about it not coming out in the open, like he tried with her.

My advice is, leave him and her alone. Leave with your pride and just go and cry it out. After a while, it won’t hurt as much and before you know it, it won’t hurt at all. Talking to the other girl will make him feel like a hero and he is just not!

Be strong and let it go. It’s so hard, I know but you’ll heal soon enough and I’m so sure there’s a guy out there just so perfect for you. Don’t let this situation hurt you anymore. You loved, you lost and now it’s time to leave it behind you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:17am
I am going through a similar dilemma with my ex and his new g/f. He and I had been together off and on for four years (we have a child together, so you know that old story) and over the summer we were really making progress towards a future. Or so I thought. I didn't bring our relationship up to him, I had decided that I was just going to take it for what it was and let his actions speak louder than words. BIG MISTAKE. The whole time I'm thinking we were moving forward, while the whole time he was taking what he could get and looking for "the one". Anyways, when he finally told me he was talking to someone else, it was bad. Not that we had the "exclusive" talk, but he did know how I felt and I assumed that he wouldn't have turned our relationship up a notch knowing what he knew. He started talking to this girl two days after the last time we had slept together and he had even slept over at my house (our daughter was overnight somewhere). Within two weeks, he was sleeping with this girl and they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I know that they had the exclusive talk and he told me it was her idea and he thought it was because she was insecure about him and I. He had told her that we slept together recently and had been regularly for months. I wanted to talk to this girl so bad, knowing that she already has issues, hoping to put the seed of doubt in her mind. I even went so far as to call him when I knew she was there and asked him to put her on the phone. Not to say anything bad, because there is a part of me that is concerned for my daughter being around this woman, but she refused to talk to me. She said that she doesn't want to get in the middle of us, it's between him and I. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I think she kind of put herself right in the middle of us and I am POSITIVE that one call from me in the beginning of this whole thing would have at least made her think twice. I don't want him back anymore, and have really come to realize they seem to be made for each other - she walked out of her job (a waitress in a topless club) because he was out and she was going to meet him - and got fired. By the way he hasn't worked since July - supposed back problems and disability, but his employer has since fired him. Obvious trust issues here, and I know I can sit back and take pleaseure in watching their relationship implode on them. So, I guess this LONG winded explanation was to say it's really not worth it in the end. We don't need to make the calls to the other women, because they will really, really, really find out for themselves. I know, I have literally beaten myself up about what I didn't do, why he couldn't be this way for me, the mother of his child, but honestly, he's the one who is losing out. Just try and take some satisfaction from the fact that these other girls are going to self destruct themselves with these losers, and we won't have to look any worse for the wear in anyone's eyes!!! Take care and I hope this helps!