Should i Tell her she's the rebound
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| Fri, 02-02-2007 - 1:08pm |
After a 9 and half yr. relationship, My boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago and it got real ugly as he completly PUSHED me out of his life and it's been real hard for me. Our relationship has been long distance for about a year. We started to argue alot becasue i was doing majority of the effort for plans, visits, and other things.. basically i was the "support" of the relationship.He just didn't understand why we argued. When ending the relationship his excuse was the arguing became too much for him, and he acted like it was no big deal, and becasue he was ok to move on, i should be too. He stated that his heart just isn't into having a "relationship", and just wants to be single to try and find himself.
Not even a month later, I find out that he's been talking to alot of girls,and he says they are just friends. When i found out he's been talking to this one girl late at night for hours... i got really upset just that he lied about "finding himself" and in reality he just wanted to "be" with other females. So i called her and asked if they were more than friends, and when she asked who it was i told her i was his girlfriend and she told me to hold, but i hung up. When he found out he insisted that i call her to tell her the truth, that i wasn't his girlfriend. My Question: Why should i call her to correct things, since she's just a "friend"? i shouldn't care about her feelings as he knows how to talk his way out of things anyway.
However, i do feel i should call her to tell her the jist of the situation that "We broke up not too long ago, and it's been real hard for me and there was a communication problem, and i'm not his girlfriend.", I also want to tell her that i she IS the rebound. I am very hurt, and appear to be out of control with my emotions. I am more upset by his actions of insincerity, and that he acts like he just doesn't care after all we have been through. Should i just look at this as whats done is done and theres nothing left to say or do and let it be. After all i really gave him a reason to not like me anymore, and he will more than likely never forgive me.
I am so out of control... Any advice.

Sorry to hear about your break-up! :(
My suggestion is: no.
It's always easier to hate the other girls than your ex, but really, it's usually not their fault. My ex cheated on me with other girls but they didn't even know about me. Basically, this girl is getting caught up in a situation that doesn't appear to be her fault. Don't blame her for it.
The issue here is not what should you do for HIM, but what should you do for YOU. What kind of person do you want to be? Can you be stronger and have more dignity than the break-up, maybe even than your ex had when he broke up with you? The ideal goal in life is to take each situation, no matter how excruciating, and make sure that you come out of it a better person than you went in.
Personally, I'd ask a girlfriend to call her and tell her that you are sorry, that you are the ex-girlfriend and just really miss him a lot because you were together a long time. In regard to her status, you don't know if she is the rebound or not. The reason I'd have a friend call is b/c if I were you, and I called the girl again, I'd be tempted to say things I shouldn't.
The other option is just to ignore it and move on. But if you don't rectify the situation, yes, you do look a little out of control. Try to keep your actions and emotions within the world of your friends only so neither your ex nor his new friends know anything about them.
Later you'll feel much better that you maintained your integrity and kept your dignity.
More importantly, outside of this situation, you'll sleep much better at night if you sever ties with your ex completely and seek to NOT know what he's doing. That will also open you up to finding someone new eventually. Focusing on your life will help you heal much faster than focusing on his.
Hugz and good luck.
Edited 2/2/2007 1:34 pm ET by devuchka
Well you should have never called her in the first place, but that is moot now.
I know you are hurt, upset, trying to figure everything out, etc. but if the two of you are broken up, then you have no reason to interfere in his life, judge his choices, etc. As hard as it is, you need to start No Contact and stick to it.
::I am more upset by his actions of insincerity, and that he acts like he just doesn't care after all we have been through.
This is your perspective, but it doesn't mean it's true. Eventually, his feelings will catch up with him, but when he does, if he does, etc is no longer your concern. He's going to have to deal with the fall out in his own time. While it does appear he was insincere, the reason he gave was valid in his mind - tired of arguing, finding himself, even not putting effort into the relationship and allowing you to carry the load should have been more telling than anything else. Instead of letting go back then, you continued to put in the effort to save the relationship. Instead of seeing that for what it was, because of the grief and pain involved, you continued anyway.
Maybe he didn't want to hurt you at that time, or maybe he warmed to the idea of being free to do as he wants after the break up.
Consider journal writing to vent your feelings. Write him UNSENT letters about how you feel about him, his behavior, etc and then burn it. Start No Contact ASAP, for your own emotionally well-being. Focus on your healing, on taking care of you. Be kind to yourself.
::After all i really gave him a reason to not like me anymore, and he will more than likely never forgive me.
Even if he did forgive you, would you really want him back after the choices he's made?
Reading material to consider:
Don’t Call that Man – The Survival Guide to Letting Go – Rhonda Finding
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken : The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy, by Greg Behrendt
I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie