Should I tell him how I really feel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Should I tell him how I really feel?
9
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 10:56pm

I'm not new to this message board but I've been away since January. I joined the army to get away from a very painful breakup. I left home for 7 months and experienced things that I was never able to because I was in a relationship. I thought this would be good for me but I never stopped thinking about my ex.

Just a little background.. we were together for 7 years and we broke up after he spent the weekend with another girl while we were 'taking a break'. I found out while I was away that he later married this girl. They live in the same house that we had bought together and they've been married since March. He and I were eachother's first real serious relationships.. we were both kinda young when we met.. I was 15, now 23.. and he was 19, now 26. We spent a large part of our lives together but now I'm not allowed to even see him.

He still talks to me over IM from work when I'm logged in.. he's always the one who initiates conversation. However, she doesn't know about this and he told me if I see him in public with her not to even acknowledge him because she'd be mad. The conversations are never romantic or sexual but we still get along. Unfortunately, I still want the relationship to work more than he does.

I know I should take a hint.. "he's married, it's over" but I just can't give up on him. I'm in love with him and I honestly think we were meant for eachother. I think this because I was away in the army with no obligations to anyone and guys would flirt with me, guys who wanted actual relationships with me, and I told them they have no chance because I was holding out for an ex-boyfriend that had already remarried and moved on. I told complete strangers this. I had plenty of guys to choose from and I didn't care. I had some fun.. not sleeping with any of them however... but I always thought of him. I just can't get over him. I'm so in love with him and having been broken up for 9 months, him getting married, and me dating other guys hasn't changed my feelings for him any. It's awful.. I can't think of anything or anyone else but him.

So here's where I need advice... I know now that undoubtedly that we were meant for eachother. I love him with all of my heart and all that I am. I don't know how he feels.. I can't believe that after 7 years he feels nothing for me. He sneaks to talk to me at work, he still has pictures of us on his computer.. there must be something still there. Anyways.. I've been pondering writing him a letter about how I truly feel. I mean, totally spilling my guts.. nothing held back - just totally putting myself out there. I tried acting like I had moved on and experienced life without him but the truth is I'm still saving myself for him.. I know he didn't do the same but I don't care.. I can forgive him for that. Please tell me.. would I be stupid if I wrote him a letter telling him my feelings? I know it could jeopardize our friendship and he may never talk to me again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:03pm

It would be wrong to write that letter--on SO many levels. For one thing, he's married--do you really feel it's morally right for you to be writing such a letter to someone's HUSBAND? How would you feel if you were married and someone wrote such a letter to your husband?

You are being completely unrealistic if you think that you should be over someone you were with for seven years in just 9 months, *especially* since you've kept in contact with him. The fact that you are does NOT mean you therefore are "meant" for each other, it just means you're not over him yet!

You need to stop talking to him. He's emotionally cheating on his wife and you're helping him to do so. Plus, you will not be able to move on until you stop talking to him.

I think it would be a really good idea for you to see a counselor so you can get some objective thoughts on what's going on here. It's over and you need to accept that. Do you really want to spend the rest of your 20s or beyond pining for a married man?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 2:32am

*thoughtfully* Put it this way. If you send it...I can pretty much predict from here what will happen: he is going to take your heart and stomp on it good. But if it finally cements the idea that he's not ever coming back to you...then by all means, send it. It may finally force you to cut ties because HE'LL cut ties. The long and short of it is that you're holding onto this friendship with everything you have because it gives you the illusion of a relationship. It feels GOOD, but not fulfilling. It's like eating cotton candy...you eat and eat and eat, and it tastes good, but it's never satsifying.

Think about this way. Chances are...he knows how you feel. He's not stupid either. I"m sure you're unintentionally conveying how you feel everytime you talk. And he doesn't care. I mean, I've seen guys who drop their wives in a hot minute when they finally come to their senses and realize that they're in love with the woman they so harshly spurned....in hollywood movies. Face it, if he was really seriously in love with you, he'd have served his wife with annulment papers and be knocking at your door right now. Only he's not. He knows you're single, he knows you're available, but he's not knocking the door.

To quote you: "I know I should take a hint.. "he's married, it's over" but I just can't give up on him."
You can...because HE'S GIVEN UP ON YOU! It's as if you're sitting on the street corner clutching his sweater after he's thrown you out on the street. You keep praying that he's going to change his mind and let you back into his house..only he's moved in there with his new wife. And because he lets you spend the night in the dog house and comes out to play with you when he's bored...you keep hoping that maybe you and his wife will some day switch positions. That isn't going to happen. And even if it does, could you live with the fact that every time go out, you have see his ex-wife and come to terms with the fact that you are a HOMEWRECKER? If you really and truly love him, you would respect his decision to move on.

And you know, when you do find your 'closure', it will be the beginning of a long road to recovery. I can't even being to fathom finishing a 7 year relationship. What's even worse is the years you spent building your identity is entwined with him. It won't be easy, but you can do it! Tell him that you'll no longer contact him and get on with your life. Shutting the door is the hardest part, because you're acknowledging that there's no hope. But everything's up hill from there.

cheers
Susanna




Edited 8/18/2007 3:05 am ET by unicornssong
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 1:09pm

My question is...how long did he date the wife before he married her? Sounds to me that he rushed into a rebound relationship/marriage. Anyway......

Aside from that, I still think you need to do what you need to do for closure. Be that therapy or whatever, you need to move on. Put yourself out there! There are other fish in the sea so start swimming!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 7:50am

Hi!Auntumn
First of all I want you to know, that there is someone out there that can love you for who you are.You may still have your family and friends out there to support you during this time.As for all of us in this discussion boards, we pray for the best in your life will come to you soon :)

Based on your story, I was thinking the same way when it happened to me not long ago.To write to him a letter, to send him a sad song just to say how I feel.Yet time to time, when I have that couraged to let him go in my heart which is still in that process.I changed my mind at that point.No matter how much we tried to tell him that we don't wanna let the relationships go and it is still hurting us.It is no point to do so.He won't come back.

But, If there is a way to let your feeling go and forgetting him for real.At the same time if you have that guts to tell him that you finally get over him and you yourself need to accept it that he no longers your,Auntumn.Do you think you need to tell him how you reaaly feel for his decisions of leaving you and you still in love with him?

I think this is because he is married to his wife when you two are away and still in relationship.You couldn't accepts it.If to tell him and confronting him is the best way of you to let go of that feelings, and get over him. I think you should tell him.:) After that maybe things will sort out and after that you will let him go for real.

Finish it and go on with your life K :)..As we know gods helps those who helps themselves. Love is still in the air.Someone is there for you to find -)@ Don't give up,
Take the time to heal and its ok..cause I am too.All the best to you Auntumn.Do what is the best for you.

Xirtnesi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 1:05pm

Look, Autumn, he's really not it for you.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 10:38pm
I know all of you guys are right :( I know that it probably won't do any good for me to tell him how I feel.. realistically, if he was still interested in me he would tell me how he felt.. afterall, I'm the one single - not him. It's just so hard though. I mean, I keep making every excuse as to why he's not telling me and not coming back to me.. like, maybe he thinks I'm mad at him for getting married and I wouldn't forgive him so he doesn't even want to take a chance with me now. So I think maybe it would help for me to let him know if things don't work out between him and his wife that I'm still here? I know it sounds so pathetic but I'm desperate. I can't think of anything else but him.. it's so awful. I've never been through anything this difficult in my life. What's worse is that after 9 months it should be getting easier, right? It's not.. it's getting worse. I don't know how to deal with it. Well, for now I've decided not to write him that letter telling him how I feel.. I'll wait for that. I have off from work on Friday so I think I'm going to ask him to go out to lunch with me. I doubt that he will go out with me because he already told me that he felt guilty just talking to me without his wife knowing. But.. I don't know.. I guess I'll just take what I can get now, even if that means only seeing him for an hour. I can't believe how hard this is.. I never could have imagined it being this bad. Everyone keeps telling me that it'll get better in time or just get over him but it's like a sickness with no cure.. I mean, I honestly feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Everything reminds me of him and what we had together. I can only throw away so much of my stuff. And we spent so much time together that my identity is so much embedded in what we had created together that I don't even know what part of me is actually me and what I do just because of him. This is terrible.. I don't think I'm ever going to get over him :( It's not fair.. we lived together like we were going to be together for the rest of our lives.. he told me many times we would.. I still have his letters where he told me he'd never love anyone else the way he loves me, no matter what ever happens.. but then he just leaves me like that and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I don't know how anybody ever makes it through this :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 11:24pm

Girlfriend, you need to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on. You can pine and pine, but it doesn't change a thing. He's still MARRIED. If you guys are meant to be together, he will figure that out and come find YOU. Whatever you do, don't tell him that you will 'be there if things don't work out with his wife.' First of all, I bet he is already counting on that. Second, it makes you pathetic, and also probably the least likely woman he'll go to if, in fact, he ever leaves his wife.

I am sorry if this is harsh, but reading your post made me realize so much about my own situation, because what you wrote mirrors conversations I have with myself about the guy that broke up with me. (But I love him! But everything REMINDS me of him! But, we were meant to be! But, it was true love! But, if he only UNDERSTOOD me better, he would realize what a fool he's been!) BUT! Seeing those thoughts written out by another person kind of make me realize that all I am doing by staying caught up in this cycle of thinking is postponing the new incarnation of me, which will be better than the girl that went out with this guy who dumped her after he said he loved her. A lot better. You and me both need to just GET OVER IT. Seriously. Don't you think we are way better than this? Come on! Forget about the guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 12:16am

I venture to say you're in this state after so long because you're forcing yourself into this state. To Quote Dr. Phil "Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters". You've really just spent the last 9 months living this fantasy relationship in your head. It's akin to getting a cut, picking at the scab every morning and wondering why it never heals. Leave it alone, and it will heal itself.

However, leaving it alone means you have to actively force your thoughts away from getting back together. Get into the mindset that your relationship is never going to happen. Don't you think it's time to stop picking at scraps and start finding yourself? You were..If i recall, 15 when you started dating this man. That's 15 years of yourself to get you started. You have your identity with your friends, identity with your family etc. Unless you spent every waking moment of your life with this guy, there's definitely something to build on.

In any case, I watched my mom get dumped after a 27 marriage with my dad. 27 years. That's a lot of time and she managed to haul herself up and become this spunky woman I admire. She still lives in the house that they bought and invested in together. I'm sure every detail in her life reminds her of him. But she managed to make it through this, and I daresay you probrably will too. But nobody can make you do it but yourself.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 12:51am

It's not true that you'll get over him in time, if you keep in contact with him. So no, it "shouldn't" be getting easier, because you're still in contact with him and it's not going to until you stop (and for sometime after you stop, actually).

Nor will you get over him if you don't think you will. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Getting over someone takes three things: time, no contact and (most importantly) acceptance that it's over and that you're not right for each other.

Is this really how you want to live your life for the foreseeable future, stuck in pain and misery? You do have a choice.

Sheri