Should I tell him the truth ?
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| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:52am |
My boyfriend and I had a wonderful relationship for over 11 months. I met him at eharmony. When we first starting dating, I asked him if he ever wanted to have children, and he said yes. The reason I asked him this questions was because for me it's very import to be with a man who shares the same desire of having children. 4 months later I asked him the same question and he told me that he was not sure because he was afraid of having a child with autism or ADD etc. I listened carefully to all his concerns and fears, I was very hurt, but I said to myself at least he told me this early on, so I can move on with my life and find someone else. I told him to not waste each others time and that if we don't share the same desire as a couple of wanting children, we shouldn't be together. After a week he came back to me to say that he agreed to have only one child with me, that two would be too much...at least he decided to meet me half way with this decision. 4 moths went by until one day he told me that in his heart of hearts he had no desire of being a father. That he doesn't want any children and that he agreed to have one child because he was afraid to lose me and if I need to go and find someone else, he would understand. It was very painful to say goodbye, I cried a lot, however I decided to stay even though deep in my heart I knew that sooner or later I would have to say goodbye, because I was not willing to give up my desire of having a baby, to experience the joy of maternity. I also stayed because I though I could change his mind...but I was wrong.
We were planning to move in together, but I knew that I needed to approach the issue once again before moving in with him. Many people had told me that he was only afraid of fatherhood, but deep inside he was going to be a great father and that if I ever get pregnant, he wouldn't reject me. So I decided to test his reaction to a possible pregnancy. I know this was a very stupid idea... I lied, and I feel bad about it. When I told him I was pregnant, he had a very, very negative reaction to it. I wasn't expecting him to be jumping up and down of happiness, but I've never thought he would in fact reject me and the baby. He turned his back on me completely, don't want to be part of the baby's life, neither is he willing to help with child support. I called him cold hearted, insensitive and irresponsible and told him not to do the same his father did to him...to abandon a child. This stupid lie caused me so many tears; I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How can someone who said to deeply love me with all his heart mind and soul could ever turn his back on me in a situation like this? He blames me for not using an effective contraceptive and that it was my fault for getting pregnant. We haven't talked since then, and I'm debating weather or not I should send him an e-mail telling him that it was a false alarm or wait until he calls so I can tell him the truth. I ask myself if he has any remorse about it. Obviously, I'm the one who is suffering more, since he has not even bother to call and I don't think he will.
I miss him very, very much. My mistake was to think that I could change the way he feels about fatherhood. Big mistake! I don't want him to go on thinking that he abandoned a child in this world. I feel bad for this whole situation; I just wish that things could have been different for both us. However, I also think that this lie really helped find out the kind of men he really is. I feel bad, but at the same time I feel relieved thinking that I am not pregnant and how horrible I would have been feeling right now if the pregnancy would had been real, I would had to face pregnancy alone, and see my baby suffering his father rejection. Should he deserve to know the truth?
Jess

Yeah, I think he needs to know the truth. You did lie and there really isn't any excuse for what you did. On the positive note, you know this guy is definitely not for you because he rejected you and your "baby" in the ultimate time of need. He can't step up to the bat and take responsibility for his actions. I would call him and give him the truth as soon as possible. But, remember that this relationship is over because first of all you have different life plans and secondly, you lied about a very serious matter.
I wish you all the best. Hopefully you can learn something from all of this and start to heal...
-pikaia
Honestly...I see it both ways.
On one hand, I'd say, he deserves a little guilt for treating you this way. I mean, come on, it takes two people to make a baby. Own up.
On the other hand, if it means you can live guilt free, tell him and get it off your chest. But I hestitate to advocate this straight out because I can see him trying to beg and apologize his way back into your arms when he hears there's no responsibility. And it's a huge temptation to let him back in when you're vulnerable.
So ultimately, my advice is. Let it go. Chances are, he doesn't feel guilty for dumping a child in the world because if he did HE'D BE BACK BEGGING HIS WAY INTO YOUR LIFE. Instead he's left to hoping the whole mess will just go away by itself. So he's NOT sorry. Give it say, 6 months, when you have objectively evaluated the dirt he is and are not tempted to take him back. Then if the guilt still plagues you, you can tell him you tricked him to assess what type of man he is. And he's a responsibility-avoiding, wife abandoning, pointless piece of dirt.
Count yourself lucky that you were smart enough to find out relatively pain free instead of 4 months pregnant after a 2 year marriage. His love and devotion only go as far as when everything is running smoothly and all your talk and compromises are just Talk.
cheers
Susanna
I didn't read everyone else's response and went right to answer , so this maybe a repeat of what someone else has said.
Yes, you should tell him the truth and admit to him it was wrong, but, also tell him you got a response you didn't expect and it really hurt you. It was a lie granted, but you found out a truth about him... does it make it right now, but does it allow a decision to be made for the future yes.
What you don't realize is, if he was ecstatic about you having his child, you would have had to tell him anyways, and those tears would have still been there, cause then he would have called you a lier.........
Ladies, please, lies get you nowhere, and once you start a lie, you gotta keep remembering to ride the lie... its not worth it... tell the truth, and if the guy don't like the truth, he is not the one for you...
be glad though honey, you found this out early... it might have been real bad if it had been the truth though...
Hi jessicamendz:
I'm just passing through.
Yes, I will tell him the truth. I don't think it's important to tell him tried to test him. What's important is to tell him that there is no baby, so we can both move on. It ill take me time to get over him. I love him with all my heart, and it hurts me so much no to be with him. We get along so well that for a moment I thought that we were destined to meet across time. Unfortunately, like you said...we have different goels in life in terms of having children.
Thanks for your advice
Jess