Should I try and be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Should I try and be friends?
1
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 5:48pm

Hi everyone,

I'd appreciate some thoughts on the situation of contacting an ex. My bf and I broke up almost a year ago now - I agreed to the split, however he pestered me so much about wanting to end the relationship, that I didn't really have a choice. At the time, he said that he didn't want to be in a serious full-blown relationship right now (he was just about to start a 2.5 yr college course). But that maybe when he had finished his course, there would be a chance for us to get back together and buy a house together, etc, etc and all that cr*p. I am partly wondering whether he just said this, as a means of fobbing me off and making the split seem easier.

We stayed in contact and chatted online alot (we live 5 hours apart) for 9 months after we broke up. But, I always found just being friends with him difficult, because I always wanted us to be together again. It was hard cos he was on my mind alot, and I never understood how he could just walk away from a relationship that we both thought was very special and saw a future together. I suggested a couple of times we get back together, but he refused.

Eventually, I found the whole "just friends" thing, too painful and I said I didn't want us to have contact any more. This was just before he went on vacation to Greece with his best mate - he isn't the type to sleep around or have casual flings. But, I couldn't deal with the possibility that he MIGHT hook up with someone there. So, I figured that rather than having to torture myself, having to hear about him being with another girl, or having a new girlfriend - It would be easier for me to cut off all contact and spare myself the pain. I told him that, he was only to contact me, if he decided he wanted us to get together again.

It has been over three months since I last talked to him. I have recently met another guy who seems very keen on me, and I like him as well - first guy I've actually really liked since I broke up with my ex. So I have a date with him in a couple of weeks, to look forward to. I have been toying with the idea of contacting my ex again, just to be friends - I am not expecting us to get back together. The thing that is stopping me, is the thought that he might have another girfriend by now and if he does, then obviously the idea of him being with someone else would be very upsetting for me. The friendship part is fine, but I cannot deal with the thought that he doesn't want to be with me, or that he thinks another girl is better than me. I don't want to have to deal with feelings such as bitterness and anger at him, about that, which would probably just lead to arguements between us. It's a shame, because we had a seemingly perfect relationship and got along like a house on fire, only very rarely arguing. He said he wanted us to remain friends after we broke up, but sometimes I can't help feeling bitter towards him for what he has done. It's a shame, cos I am not normally like this with anyone else, and am a very easy-going sort of person.

I'd appreciate any thoughts on whether you think it's a good idea or not to try and be friends with him again. Perhaps, I should just stay away, but then by doing so, am I missing the chance that one day in the future, we may get back together - Or am I just kidding myself?? I wish he had never said there might be a chance for us in the future, cos I would find a clean break and walking away for good easier.

~Cherise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 6:36pm

This is a tough one. The interesting feature is you have met a nice man and have a date planned. Hmm..why not go on the date and be open to something new and wonderful, be it major head over heels love or maybe a new friend.

You still have emotions for your ex and if you call, you may set off a round of hurt again if he is with someone or if he does not emote the way you need.

Here is a quote that helps me deal with the fact that my ex is not near me:

What the eyes can't see, the heart can't grieve.

Sure, I wonder and often ASK but I hope with NC I can stop asking and not know..and move on easier.

You are fortunate like me that your ex is not close by and encounters are not easy.

Best of luck.