Should I wait or just move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Should I wait or just move on?
2
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 5:02pm

My husband and I dated for 6 1/2 years before we were married 5 months ago. Of that time we lived together a year and a half. From the beginning, we never experienced "passion" but we really felt comfortable around each other and spent good times together. My one issue with him was that he was afraid of commitment and rarely wanted to communicate and open himself up to me. Needless to say, it was a long battle just to get him to the altar. Therefore, when he made the decision to marry me (over losing me), I thought that he had finally been able to let go of some of his commitment/marriage phobias.

After we got married things turned to the worse. He was depressed all of the time and would tell me that he was unhappy with his life. About a month and a half ago we separated because he needed to deal with his problems on his own and wasn't sure if marriage was the right thing for him. He did, however, decide to go to therapy, which is at least one step in the right direction.

At first I was willing to wait and support him through this rough period. But the more I look at the last 6 1/2 years of our life together the more I feel that reconciling won't be the right thing for us. The fact is that he has always been afraid of commitment and I've always had to be the one to push our relationship along. Now I'm also beginning to realize that our sex life, which had always been close to non-existent, was probably a way of my husband keeping a part of himself private and closed off from me. After all, he had allowed me into his life, his heart and his apartment. There was one thing that he could still control and that was to withhold sex.

I guess I'm just so confused. I want to wait and see if our marriage can be salvaged but the fact is that unless he conquers his fears things will never work for us. The last time we spoke about a week ago he was just as confused as he was a month and a half ago. The other thing is that because our sex life was always so "blah" I don't even know if having passion in our marriage is even a possibility anymore. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 9:28pm

Should you wait or should you move on.....

Well, what will you be waiting for? You've had to drag him practically kicking and screaming every step of the way for 6 1/2 years! Why are you so hell bent on wanting to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you?

How about you stop worrying about him in all of this, stop leaving the decision up to him, and take control of your own future by deciding for him. Decide that you deserve better. Decide that "we spoke about a week ago he was just as confused as he was a month and a half ago" means he's not TheOne for you. He's confussed. Still. After nearly 7 years of being with you. Doubt means no. He might have really really wanted the answer to be yes, which could explain why after being delivered an ultimatem he went ahead and married you. But the truth of the matter is time and time again he's shown you proof that he doesn't believe with his heart that you are TheOne for him.

My advice is to grieve for the relationship and marriage you wish this would have been and move on. You deserve a man who is passionate about you. Who can barely keep his eyes and hands off you. Who knows with out a doubt that you are TheOne. You deserve a man who asks you to marry him because he wants the rest of your life together to begin as soon as possible. Not some guy who married you as a lesser of two evils.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 11:09pm
It sounds to me like you already have made up your mind what you want to do...but that you're looking for reassurance.
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