Should I walk away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Should I walk away?
2
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 10:16pm

I'm writing because I found a great comfort in this community when I went through a difficult breakup a few years ago, and I'm hoping that I'll actually be wise enough to take the wonderful advice this time...

I've been dating my boyfriend for three years, since we were both 18- the summer before we started college. We got serious pretty quickly, did the long distance thing for a year, and then both ended up in the same city two years later. Our relationship started off great, and while it's still okay, for the past two years I've felt like he was kind of detached. He's a good, motivated guy that treats me very well, but he's also incredibly independent and unemotional. For instance, he never initiates the "I love you," he'll only say it back to me, and it's not uncommon to go three or four days without talking at all, not because anything is wrong, just because he's "busy." I trust him 100% and know without a shadow of a doubt that he'd never cheat on me, so that's not an issue, and I know we're still very young to be in a super serious relationship, but it has always bothered me that I've never felt like a priority in his life. In my last relationship (the one I posted about four years ago, incredibly distraught) I pushed the guy away from me by being too clingy and dependent, so this time around I made sure to cultivate my own interests and a life outside of my relationship with him. I never brought up the fact that I felt neglected, in the hopes that as he got older he'd naturally want to get more serious.

Well, we're 21 now, and the relationship is in exactly the same place as it was when we were 18. I just graduated college and I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure what's next. I'm attending a continuing education program until December, but after that, I'll be on the hunt for a job, and a lot of the positions in my field are in California or Texas. About two weeks ago I sat down and had a talk with him. Basically, I told him that I was just wondering where he saw "us" going- was I just a college relationship, or something he saw himself continuing a year or two from now? T(o be clear, I was NOT digging for a marriage promise in the future. He knows that I absolutely see marriage and children in my future, but not for several more years, so I chose my words carefully as not to seem like I was asking for a ring anytime soon.) We had a very long talk in which he told me that while he'd hoped his feelings for me would evolve over time, they hadn't, and that he didn't want to lead me on. We "broke up" that night, and while I was very upset, I was strangely okay with it. After all, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 1:17am

When you got together at 18, you were both children......not completely adults, unable to know what you would want when you became adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 12:54pm
beg88 wrote:

I'm writing because I found a great comfort in this community when I went through a difficult breakup a few years ago, and I'm hoping that I'll actually be wise enough to take the wonderful advice this time...

I've been dating my boyfriend for three years, since we were both 18- the summer before we started college. We got serious pretty quickly, did the long distance thing for a year, and then both ended up in the same city two years later. Our relationship started off great, and while it's still okay, for the past two years I've felt like he was kind of detached. He's a good, motivated guy that treats me very well, but he's also incredibly independent and unemotional. For instance, he never initiates the "I love you," he'll only say it back to me, and it's not uncommon to go three or four days without talking at all, not because anything is wrong, just because he's "busy." I trust him 100% and know without a shadow of a doubt that he'd never cheat on me, so that's not an issue, and I know we're still very young to be in a super serious relationship, but it has always bothered me that I've never felt like a priority in his life. In my last relationship (the one I posted about four years ago, incredibly distraught) I pushed the guy away from me by being too clingy and dependent, so this time around I made sure to cultivate my own interests and a life outside of my relationship with him. I never brought up the fact that I felt neglected, in the hopes that as he got older he'd naturally want to get more serious.

Well, we're 21 now, and the relationship is in exactly the same place as it was when we were 18. I just graduated college and I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure what's next. I'm attending a continuing education program until December, but after that, I'll be on the hunt for a job, and a lot of the positions in my field are in California or Texas. About two weeks ago I sat down and had a talk with him. Basically, I told him that I was just wondering where he saw "us" going- was I just a college relationship, or something he saw himself continuing a year or two from now? T(o be clear, I was NOT digging for a marriage promise in the future. He knows that I absolutely see marriage and children in my future, but not for several more years, so I chose my words carefully as not to seem like I was asking for a ring anytime soon.) We had a very long talk in which he told me that while he'd hoped his feelings for me would evolve over time, they hadn't, and that he didn't want to lead me on. We "broke up" that night, and while I was very upset, I was strangely okay with it. After all, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.