Should I work at it or let her go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Should I work at it or let her go?
4
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 3:25pm
I'm a 26 year old female in a committed relationship with another woman. We have been together for almost five years. We met at our local college and haven't been apart since. Soon after we started dating we realized we were meant to be together. At first things were fine, but after about two years, issues and stress began to creep up. Instead of facing them head on, sometimes the issue would be dropped. My temper got the best of me and so did my fists. Sometimes her temper got the best of her. Our relationship has so many stress on it. The fact that we are not out to our families, school, money issues are all killers on our relationship. I know we both love each other very much, but we are just not the same. She would like to walk away instead of dealing with relationship issues, and I would like to work things out and learn how to control my temper and my fists. I know hitting someone is very wrong and I am not a violent person. I just wish she could see that I have changed for the better and she can trust me again. We had been working through our issues and things had been getting better. I feel she is wanting to let go of our relationship because it would be one less stress and worry in her life. I love her so much and I know she still loves me but I also know I broke something inside of her when I started hitting her. Is there anything I can do to prove to her that I've changed? Should I give up on this relationship like she has? Is there a chance that we could get help and stay together? I hate what I did to her and wish I could take all the bad things I did to her back. I love her so much and don't want to lose the best thing that ever came into my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:50pm
If it was the best thing in your life and you loved her 'oh-so-much', you would of never put your forbidden hands on her. Shame on you and shame on her for staying with you! NOBODY EVER EVER EVER HAS A RIGHT TO PUT THEIR HANDS ON SOMEONE ELSE! I would of left you the minute you out your hands on me. There's no excuse!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 6:36pm

Love is hard work..it's so rewarding but then there are the bad sides of when two people come together...and when domestic violence takes over, man, things have got to change. Coming here and admitting your issues is GOOD and you are to be commended for your honesty.

Whatever your past is about and why you hit, well you need help to learn to stop. This cannot be and you know this..

Find out the source of this rage and need to control. Get some help so you can love properly...and someday make amends to the woman you hurt..for now, leave her alone..she deserves a safe and loving relationship and you are not safe to provide that ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 7:10pm

Germania,


I agree with the other poster, you need to let her go for now.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 1:26pm

Love relationships should be a safe haven. When issues beyond the relationship are swirling around, that person should be the one you can go to and get support. If you can't be a good partner to someone, then don't be angry when they aren't a good partner to you. When someone no longer feels safe in a relationship, that relationship is going to deteriorate. Communication is going to go down the tubes if someone cannot express concerns without the fear of retribution. Relationships are hard work, but that work should always be on yourself and not trying to change someone's perspective. If I communicate my wants gently and clearly, and do not get what I want -- Then I have to make that decision on how important that "want" is. If that want is non-negotiable to me then I know it is time to move on. Let her go and continue to work on yourself. Change is very commendable, but look deeper into yourself to discover what compels you to use violence. As someone pointed out already, that is a control issue. What you don't want to do is trade one control 'device' for another. You will never have the happy relationship you desire. Take care.

Lois