Should we say our goodbyes??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Should we say our goodbyes??
4
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 11:09pm
My ex-bf and I broke up late last year. We were together for 4 years and it was a long-distance relationship. When we broke up, we were living within an hour of each other. He decided to go back home(he lives farther away) and left without telling me. He said he didn't think I cared whether or not he was leaving. We never got to say goodbye to each other. I have been talking to him recently in these last two months and I told him that I still had feelings for him and that I still loved him. We continued to talk to each other online and on the phone. He did say too that he still had feelings for me and that he wasn't over me. He also said he was very confused because he thought I wanted nothing to do with him. He told me last week that he didn't see how it could work out right now because we are living too far apart. I talked to him a few days ago and he all of a sudden he turned on me. He told that he has a gf now and that's who he wants to be with and that he only said the things he said to me because he thought that was what I wanted to hear. I don't know if I entirely believe him because he didn't have to say some of the things he said to me. I am wondering if she threated him or gave him an ultimatum. He said that we can't talk to each other online or on the phone. Why is this girl trying to control him? I never did that with him and his previous ex's. Anyways, so I have been doing some thinking. I feel really guilty because I never got to say goodbye to him...I was the one who was avoiding seeing him and his phone calls right before we broke up and then he left. I need closure and I think the only way, is for us to see each other to say goodbye because we never got the chance too. Is this wrong? I know it's going to be emotional but I feel it's something that I need to do, especially if I'm never going to see him again. Any advice or thoughts??
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 11:34pm

hun, i can only imagine how hard it is to have been with someone for 4 years and while still grieving over your breakup - learn that hes with someone new..i feel for you, and im sending hugs along the way!

however, my honest perspective is this ... i think that seeing him for a "final goodbye" - is really just means to fulfil your hopes. i think, deep down inside - you want to reignite something with him and youre feeling that urge to see him and furthermore - want him to see you... i think youre still hoping for something there, and this "goodbye" is by no means a way of letting go...

the thing is, "closure" - cannot be achieved or attained from the other party or from any "goodbye meeting." closure is something that must be accomplished within YOU. trust me - ive tried to seek for it before, and honestly - its never worked for me; the only time ive ever actually had closure was when *i* emotionally and mentally accepted it, and finally let go...

what IS likely going to happen is... youll see him, and its going to bring all those emotions back to you - youll likely try and make him *see* how he feels for you - and when you dont get your response, youll be set back 8 months of your recovery... why do that??

moreover, it doesnt matter whether or not he really said those things because he thought you wanted to hear it or because he truly meant it... we can sit here and analyze it inside out - but at the end of the day, your situation remains - youre still BROKEN UP and really, thats all that matters. youll waste countless hours and brain cells and emotional energy trying to figure out if hes still in love with you or if the witch of his new woman is making him denial..but really, what good will it do?? nothing. either way, it doesnt change the situation .. at night when you go to bed, youre still not with him, and whether or not you know how he *really* feels for you - youll still not be with him. if it was meant to be, and if actually does feel for you like he originally claimed - then the world's forces and his heart's power will make him move mountains to be with you...THATS the ONLY thing that really matters.

furthermore, it doesnt matter how this new girl is treating him or behaving with him or whether or not she is giving him an ultimatum. since YOU are NOT his girlfriend anymore, it makes no difference and as a grown adult - he has every right to choose his relationships. unfortunately for your situation, he's chosen one with HER.

i know its harsh to hear - and im sorry to have to so bluntly point out my opinions to you .. but honestly, some things are best digested now than ignored forever... as you can see in my other threads, im going through quite the *experience* myself right now - as a matter of fact, i feel pretty crappy tonight .. i know that if i was at your end, i wouldnt want someone to say these things to me... but sometimes, we gotta bite the bullet no matter how much it hurts in order to continue forth in our lives...

those are just my two cents - i hope youll have a better weekend,
(((HUGS)))
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 1:32pm

I would rather see him and talk to him face-to-face rather than say goodbye on the phone or by email. Wouldn't you? I know it's going to be really hard and emotional but this is something that I wanted to do and I would have done it late last year if I had known he was leaving. He was talking about coming for a visit to the town nearby that he lived for awhile or I would go see him, but I wouldn't go by myself. I'd bring along someone for support.

Also, do you think it would be crazy of me to ask if we could still keep in touch with one another? We've always shared our personal problems with one another and given each other advice and support that's why I will always feel a closeness to him. After all, he was my best friend and my first love...one I will never forget for as long as I live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:30pm

my honest opinion is that meeting to say "goodbye" - is useless...and i say this - because ive been there! i mean, if your "desired" outcome pervails - whats going to happen?? youre going to get together with him, say "hi and how are you" then hug each other, say goodbye - and then walk off??

heres the thing, "closure" - realllly doesnt come from any goodbye or from him .. it comes from WITHIN. and after one year of being broken up, is it even necessary to say goodbye?? i honestly think that by seeing him - it'll likely hold you back or devastate you more...thats been my personal experience. i felt the need for "goodbye" and "closure" and that "such a relationship shouldnt have ended so abruptly"...so i go see him to say our "goodbyes" but deep down inside, when it didnt turn the way i secretly wanted it to (and thats him falling in love with me all over again) - i couldnt feel anymore crappy...

BUT, sometimes you have to have it hit you in the face... i can sit here and tell you my two cents and regurgetate my personal experience to you in an attempt to save you - but it means nothing if youre determined to go and feel compelled by the need to... sometimes, as ive learnt - we just need it to hit us painfully hard before we realize... SOOO..if youre going to go, i would DEFINATELY recommend dragging a friend with you... by having support, youll at least have someone to keep you in check, and have someone to turn to... so yes, id definately bring a friend!

as for staying friends...heres the thing, if you still love him like THAT...honestly, NO - a friendship is NOT possible. unless you can honestly sit there and be completely happy for him when hes telling you about him making love to another woman - a friendship is NOT possible. believeeee me, ive been there too! not only will you be feeding your false sense of hope, but itll devastate you, AND - you'll never ever fully get over him.

i know, he was the one person you turned to, your bestfriend, and your first love...same goes to me!!... but seriously, id highly recommend you back off the friendship idea until you are ONE HUNDRED PERCENT over him...a friendship may definately be possible then, but until that point where you can talk to him as nothing but a good ol' friend - id highly not recommend it.

i did it last summer with this same ex of mine...and it got to the point where i couldnt take it, and just abruptly called NC. i wasted months of my recovery trying to be his "friend" - but really, it did me more harm than good. bottom line is - if youd rather him be with you than with someone else - then a "friendship" is never actually what youre seeking ...

just my two cents again,
hope youre having a good weekend -
(((HUGS)))
eeksj :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:19pm
Honey, I know you really miss your ex and you want to be with him.....but I think it would be best to leave this be.
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