Shouldn't I be feeling better??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Shouldn't I be feeling better??
2
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:50pm

Ok, it's been two months since he broke up with me, on the same day I got laid off from the 4th job in 8 months, for another woman, because I was not "relationship material".

* I went through the worst pain and feelings of worthlessness - I had no reason to live.
* I broke the N.C. rule every other day, at first, then I went longer, but still broke it.
* I 'wasn't so hard on myself', because I had the added burdens of 'no job to bury myself in' & almost no friends to turn to.
* I went through being angry at him, and (during my worst 'breaking of N.C.') telling him I wish him & his girlfriend would die in a car accident (I was really scared for myself, and couldn't believe how bad this had messed me up).
* I vented on this board. I read and printed the advise on this board - and kept it in view to remind me and help me.
* 11 days ago, I saw him and had sex with him, and he told me AGAIN that he would always remember the fun we had, realized and appreciated that I was what helped him get over his ex-wife leaving him, had no ill-feelings towards me & knows I have a lot of great qualities, but "we" could never be....he was with "her" and she was "his type". I was actually feeling like the pain might be gone, and I had moved on to being able to remember the fun we had. Til about 4 days ago....and here's the irony:
I was told I had got this great job that I had applied for 4 days ago. Today was my first day, and it looks like it's going to be the perfect job for me (which if you know the 'career' battles I'd been through, that is VERY SIGNIFICANT). I have been telling myself, just wait til you start working, and you'll forget all about him. I know it was only my first day, but since I got this great news, just what I needed and had hoped for, I've been hurting over him, like I did in the beginning. Relapsing into the "Why"s, "It's so unfair", & "I want him sooo bad!". Shouldn't this feeling be getting weaker, not stronger??
HERE'S MY HARDEST BATTLE: I FEEL I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BY CONTACTING HIM!! I'm not too sure that I might have something to gain (sure, I know that everything I've learned about 'breaking up' contradicts this).
Here's the ONLY reason I haven't contacted him: (If it didn't cause me so much grief, I'd be laughing my butt off) BECAUSE THIS BOARD, A COUPLE CARING FRIENDS, AND EVERYTHING I READ & HEAR ON THE SUBJECT.....SAY, JUST WAIT, & HE'LL CONTACT YOU! I SWEAR!! I'm going to start taking wagers against those people, let them pick the time frame, and collect my money!! NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING like that ever happens to me. He probably forgot my number & e-mail address, and has married the new girlfriend. His, stubborn ASS will realize after a couple weeks, that "Hey, she's never went this long (my record is 14 days) without contacting me, but I'll hold out, and she will." And, of course, I'm the one who is thinking about it all the time, and he will just forget about it completely after a short while. If I had money on it, I'd wait the time to win the bet - 4 months, 6 months - and then contact him, because, I'll probably still want to. So am I MESSED UP OR WHAT? I know my reasoning regarding "to contact, or not to contact" is soooo not the point, but it may be the only way I don't contact him. ONLY PROBLEM - no one has offered to bet me....so, back to my earlier feeling - I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, AND I HAVEN'T CONTACTED HIM YET, BECAUSE I WASN'T DONE WRITING THIS POST!

Is this some "off-the-wall" cry for HELP!?!? I don't know anymore, because, I am consumed with speaking to him, hearing his voice....eeek, what am I going to do?!?!

Tina Marie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 12:09am

Well, you do have something to lose by contacting him, above and beyond the chance of making some cash if you can get someone to bet you ;-)...and that's the opportunity to move on and get over him, and feel better, eventually.

Only you can decide how important to you that is though. I really think that decision is something that has to be internal, not external--and not based on a hope that he'll contact you if you don't contact him, but rather on the knowledge that unless you don't contact him, you'll stay in this painful limbo indefinitely.

Congrats on the new job btw! But I'm not surprised that you're not feeling better--what happened 11 days ago started the process over again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 10:46am

How about a bet for 5 years? I've heard of exes contacting after 5 years. I like the odds on that one.

Actually, you have a lot to lose, the issue of course is whether or not any of it is valuable to you. Your dignity for one. Self-respect. The 11 days you've sweated out the NC. Maybe even your job. In fact, everytime you contact him you give him less reason to go back to you. I can tell you I felt the same way at first. Really. It as as if there's nothing you aren't willing to give up to get him back. But what really drove it home was when I (pitifully) asked my best friend if he'd ever come back to me and she bluntly told me that I'd probably screwed that up already when I went to beg him back. Sucks doesn't it? The one thing that you'd think would fix everything just ends up messing things up more.

If you've spent the last couple of months holding out NC because you're waiting for him to contact you, you're going about it all wrong. The point of NC is to distance and put you in a place to work on yourself, not so you can hold out until he comes back from his imaginary jaunt to the grocery store. I can tell you right off the bat that MY ex is not going to contact me just as I'm never going to contact him even if he plans to wait til the end of time. You know, it's the greatest test of willpower sometimes to stop feeding this obsession when everything in you screams for you to keep going. It's a good measure of your personality...and you're made of stronger stuff than that right?

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your