Signs of a committmentphobe?
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| Wed, 04-20-2005 - 1:26am |
Hi everyone,
this topic has been popping lately in my life- on tv, with friends, etc. so I thought I'd pose the question here. What makes a committment-phobe? In my case I never had any doubts that my ex was in love with me. It took 3 breakups for me to realize that he has a problem with committment. Everytime our relationship was moving to a new level(long distance, discussing moving in together, engagement) he sabotaged it somehow. But. He always realized his mistake, I always forgave him and we went on to pick up the pieces and get back to a good place. And then it would happen again. Until this last time. This was the pattern once a year for the last three years. (Like clockwork every winter) I recognized issues he had that he probably wasn't even aware of or willing to face.
But I think sometimes the committment phobic man isn't easy to pinpoint. So if a man isn't saying I'm not ready for a committment, I need my space, or just stops calling (all of the classic signs) how do you tell? If you have a generally good relationship and he doesn't have problems expressing his love or other emotions, how can you see it coming? I'm just curious if anyone has experiences to share that would shed some light.
Thanks, belcanto

The signs are too many and too complex, IMO, to put into a post, so I'm going to refer you to an excellent book on the topic, "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter.
Sheri
Here is my own opinion on the matter. A true phobia is not exclusive to only certain aspects. So for example, if your BF were truly committmentphobic, he would have troubles committing in every aspect of his life. He'd have it with his job, his place of residence, friends, etc. Basically, he wouldn't be able to committ to just about everything. That is almost never the case when someone is talking about being a committmentphobe though. This leads me to believe that the excuse of committmentphobe is something entirely made up for this instance. It's not the fear of committment, it's the choice not to. It's not being "TheOne" that causes someone to not committ. Does that make sense? Basically, I think being a committmentphobe is nothing more than an excuse for having doubts.
If you're looking for "signs of a committmentphobe", then I suggest looking at his life as a whole. Does he keep a job for more than 6 months? A year? How often does he move? Does he make plans with friends for the future farther out than next weekend? Unless he's committmentphobic in all these areas of committment in his life, I say you start examining the possibility that it's not that he can't committ, it's that he won't committ to YOU.
Edited 4/20/2005 1:15 pm ET ET by angelicafox
Sometimes it can be an excuse, but I think there are degrees of commitment anxiety. I agree that it will probably manifest in other areas of a person's life (not just relationships), but there's a spectrum and some people may be afraid of commitment in some areas and not others. It's a matter of degrees.
I second Sheri's suggestion of reading He's Scared, She's Scared. Very insightful.
I am currently reading "Hes Scared Shes Scared" after my boyfriend broke up with me suddenly almost 2 months ago. I would highly recommend reading it. I felt shell shocked over the sudden break, and this book really gives a lot of insight on the topic. It has helped me to understand a little better why it happened. I have also realized why this has been a pattern with my prior dating situations, and maybe I will be able to avoid it in the future.
Im still dealing with feelings of sadness and loss. I havent heard from him since the day he called me to break up, and I havent contacted him since then (although its killing me to have such restraint- but I feel like he has to want to be with me. )I actually still hope that my ex will change his mind and want to work on his commitment fears, but I know Im not being very realistic by thinking this way. Its because I am still in love with him, and cant imagine being with anyone else. I just met someone who seems just as great as him, and who wants to date me, but I dont know if I will be able to. And I wonder, am I going to go through this all over again? I have a lot of fear now myself.
When I am really feeling confused I re-read paragraphs of this book and it makes me feel a little clearer about things, that its more his problem than mine. Hope it helps you too. Good luck.
Yep, I'm doing the same thing - re-reading parts of the book whenever I get really upset. I also have this crazy fantasy that he will come to his senses and want to work through his commitment issues. But it is just a fantasy. This is the second time I've been through it with him and I could never trust him enough to go back for a third. I have been having some really bad days lately - probably because I am accepting that there is no hope.
I am REALLY impressed you haven't contacted him - I haven't been that strong, but I am working on it.
Try to go out with the new guy - it will be something else to focus on. I'm sure we will both be much more aware of the warning signs should we run into the same problem again.