Silly Girl, Here....
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| Wed, 01-11-2006 - 1:27pm |
It’s been about 6 weeks now since the breakup.
I know my relationship was not normal or easy. We had a long-distance relationship for 1.5 years – and we would see eachother when we could (not a lot – because we are in different countries). When we met it was instantly something special. We would talk every day and I was planning to move to his country this spring, so we could be together. So, when he broke-up with me for another girl, I was not expecting it at all. I was also was not expecting him to start calling me again right away – and eventually send me an e-mail that he didn’t feel anything for this girl – it was only a passing feeling.
I keep falling in and out of NC. When we talk – he doesn’t say anything about how he feels about me directly. He only eludes to it in weird ways (calling me pet names or saying how he just “ruined his life”, or how he "hopes we can see eachother again", etc) I've stuck with NC for a week now and that’s been hard. He called me last Sunday left a VM saying “since you’re not there, we can talk about you and me later.” What?! “you and me”??
I really don’t want to be this silly, stupid girl – but I’m so afraid of shutting the door and regreting anything. I know if he was really serious about me, he would try to contact me more and even try to visit me – so WHY am I being blind to that? Why do we do this to ourselves?!
Also, are there any guys out there who could please fill me in as to why men are so cryptic? Why not just SAY it? or say SOMETHING?
Thanks ;-)

Ok...first of all, STOP calling yourself names!!! That isn't useful in the least.
What you need to do is do some thinking about what you would need to get back into this relationship. Maybe it's him deciding he is 100% ready to move forward and is coming to visit you to discuss moving forward, for example. In that case, you send him an email saying that it's extremely difficult for you to be in contact with him and you need to move on, and ask him to respect you enough not to contact you for the time being. You'll contact him when you're ready to be friends. However, IF, at some point, he decides that he is ready to make a 100% commitment to you and to plan an actual, specific visit to see you so you can discuss moving forward (not some vague "I'll come to see you sometime", an actual planned visit where he buys a plane ticket or whatever), then he should contact you but not before.
Set your boundaries, and enforce them. If he calls for any reason other than to meet the boundaries you've set, for instance, tell him that you have told him you don't want to hear from him unless he is calling and arranging to meet your conditions, then hang up and don't take his calls...he is not respecting you if he's calling for any other reason.
Sheri
Hi,
I totally agree agree with Sheri. My recent breakup mistakes have shown that if you do not set boundaries, things just keep falling off here and there. You will end up going through a bigger hassle if things are not clear cut.
So clarify them. I do believe in no contact, but I also just experienced a situation where both parties have to commit to no contact for it to work (some of you may disagree). By letting him know on what terms you should be contacted, you clearly define your needs that should be met. If he does follow those terms, you can re-evaluate your relationship then and see if it is temporary behavior or not.
But pls. do be careful, if you have doubts, try hard and cut him off now rather than go through more suffering later on. As for calling at work, I would suggest that you ask him to not do that very firmly and if he persists, request your boss or another coworker to re-iterate that request.
Hope you work it out.
Ash