silver lining is looking awfully gray
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silver lining is looking awfully gray
| Sat, 04-22-2006 - 5:28pm |
So Dave and I dated for 3 1/2 years, pretty much my whole college experiance thus far. I fell in love with him Freshman year because he was so outgoing, charasmatic and full of life and drive. I suppose I saw qualities in him that I wished I had more of. We made a lot of immature mistakes in the beggining, having an open relationship, taking a year off of school to travel together, etc, etc. and I see now how those mistakes affected everything that came afterward. We were somewhat opposit to eachother, myself being shy and laidback and Dave being hyper and spontaneous, but we were drawn to eachother because we seemed to even one another out. Things started to get bad a year or so ago. He started spending less and less time with me and more and more time on the numerous hobbies and responsibilities he stacked upon himself. I just became another ball he was juggeling. But for some reason, this neglect made me love him even more. He was my first true and mature love and no matter how much we fought, or how many times we slept with other people, I still hung onto the ideallic beliefe that one day he would finally open his eyes and see me standing in front of him. But of course, it got to a point where we had nothing left but anger, resentment and misery. He broke it off for good during finals and immediatly started seeing someone new. It destroyed me. I have never let someone get that close enough to hurt me so badly. I never knew I could feel pain like that. It's been 2 weeks now and Im feeling a bit better, but it is mixe with horrible emotions I can't seem to shake. I am one for forgivness and I know if I wan't to come out of this a better person I need to get past the blame and resentment. However I am worried I will never be able to let anyone in again. I need reassurance that this will make me stronger, that this terrible ordeal was not all in vain and perhapse in time I will be glad it happened. The Dali Lama says suffering is a part of life. I see it's neccesity. What I am trying to ask is How do I go about accepting this heartbreak so I can begin to use it to my benefit?

Hi, I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.
What has helped me is accepting that if a relationship ends, it means the person isn't right for you, at least not at this point in time. It doesn't mean there's necessarily anything wrong with him (or you), just that you weren't right for *each other*. So ending a relationship with someone who isn't right for you, while painful, frees you to at least have the opportunity to find someone who *IS* right for you.
But acceptance takes TIME. You're not going to find acceptance a mere 2 weeks after that long of a relationship. It's going to take a lot long than that, I'm afraid (but you won't feel THIS bad the whole time, I promise). But you can work towards it while you are putting in the time it takes. That will help make the process as short as possible, as will not having any contact with your ex.
I'm 47 and I've lost count of the number of times I've felt that pain in my life (of course it has varied in intensity and length depending on the breakup). Yet so far, I've always found love again...and the pain has always passed, eventually. It still sucks to go through it, of course, but I now know I can and will get to the other side...but my mantra for breakups is, "the only way out is through."
If you find that you are having trouble opening up again once you're over your ex, then you might want to seek counseling...or you might want to seek it now, to be pro-active (that's what I did after my last breakup and it helped).
Sheri
Hi sweetie,
I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now. But you're not alone cos many of us have had our hearts broken and lived through it. When my relationship ended three months ago, I couldn't get over the guy or get rid of all the terrible feelings surrounding me. But I knew that I had to keep moving forward. So that's what I did everyday, bit by bit. And slowly, the healing does take place without you even being aware of it.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes to make us face the things that we've put off dealing with. We accept the things that have happened and we believe that what happens next is what we make out of the situation. And it helps sometimes also to accept that the people we loved have their weaknesses and that's why they can react so differently to heartbreak.
You will get better sweetheart but it will take time. The pain that comes with heartache is unbelievable but we do learn more about ourselves during this time. We learn how to take care of ourselves better and how to choose more wisely the next time we decide to give our heart away again.