a slap in the face

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
a slap in the face
3
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 5:35pm

I had lunch with an old friend that I haven't talked to in about 8 months. I met my ex through her boyfriend at the time. We dated for a year, he broke up with me pretty abruptly, and we were apart for 5 months. In the meantime, I took a break from the relationship with my old friend, because of her substance abuse issues. It was just too much. Anyway, I got back together with the ex for about three months, and now it's over. She contacted me last week (she's been sober for at least six months now), and we planned lunch for today. I didn't really want to talk much about all the stuff that went on with the ex, but she asked me about him since she hadn't heard of our second breakup and thought we were still together. So, she starts talking about him, and how her boyfriend told her that my ex was saying that the girl he dated right after me was "the one". This relationship only lasted a month and a half, and apparently he broke up with her for "hygiene" reasons. This was supposedly what drew him to her in the first place, because she was the quintessential hippy girl. I think he liked her carefree persona, but not so much her lifestyle. Anyway, it was like a slap in the face that he ever said she was "the one" after only a month of our breakup and he just finished saying to me that he wasn't going to settle down for 8 years after he finished school and had his own practice established. I knew that was BS, but it still hurt. It also hurt, because he told me so many times that *I* was the one! I fell for it twice. Oh...and I feel like an a**, because I sent him a note around that same time saying that I would like to be friends and he never contacted me. He told me after we got back together that it was because he knew that he had messed up and didn't know how to fix it. Turns out he was dating "the one"!!!!!

I did not and still do not want to get back together, but I wanted to catch up with him. I guess this is that sign that I should not do that. Is it normal for guys who end a serious relationship to transfer the "she's the one" feelings to the rebound girl? Is it just me, or does it sound somewhat immature for a guy to think every girl he is intimate is "the one"? Boy, doesn't it make me feel cheap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 4:20pm
I'm an idiot. So, I decided to search for him on myspace to see if he was still on it. So, I searched for him by email, and accidentally sent an invite!!! I'm totally freaking out now, because not only was I doing something stupid like looking for him on myspace, but will know it when he checks his email. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How do I recover from this gracefully???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 4:49pm

So I just sent another email just trying to play it off...

"I just accidentally sent you an email inviting you to myspace...Welcome!

Just wanted to see if you got onto any law journals? "....etc.

I'm a huge dork, but I have to laugh at myself. I know better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 6:17pm


Firstly, do NOT CONTACT HIM AT ALL ANYMORE. And now never ever search him, google him, mail him whatever!! He is as good as dead to you atleast for a while. You have to promise yourself this. Because at the end of the day, the only person you can control is YOU, let him go a date who the hell he wants, it's HIS problem.

And now about you being the one - why should you feel cheap? why should your self worth depend upon whether you were really the one for him or not? Experience shows, apparently for him, someone being "the one" doesn't really make any difference to the amount of effort he puts in a relationship. He could have told "the one" to be cleaner and gotten over the hygiene issues, but clearly she was not a priority despite being the one. And here's the shocker, nor were you. He too has to stop being a priority for you. Stop discussing him with anyone. Say I'd rather not discuss it, cause it will have you obsessing over silly details like the hygiene of his next girlfriend. Do you see what a waste of energy that is?

Another very important thing is what he does with his girlfriends, is not his problem. How he conducts his life is not your concern anymore. Let it go. He's gone. Please don't allow him to do this to you. Don't give him so much power over you. The more power he has over you, the more he will abuse it. Just close the chapter and run miles away from this man. Do report back on how you are doing.