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| Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:37am |
It is amazing - how you can be out of a relationship for 8 months, move on, and then suddenly you are right back in the grieving process!!
As most of you know, my BF of 4 yrs broke up w/ me in March for many reasons (cultural differences, he met a girl in his own culture and wanted to date her, I wouldn't convert to his religion, he had to take care of sick mom, he didn't want aserious relationship, etc)
Well, I began to move on and moved to another town. He got upset as soon as I moved and began begging me to come back. I moved on and began dating a great guy and his begging escalated.
He went to therapy for a few months and now he says he is a new man. The problem now - I have let him talk to me about how he has changed and he got me wondering if it could be true and even hoping..... So much so that it has put me back to Square 1 of the grieving process... I know he is dating antoher girl right now and going out to bars and meeting lots of other women, so it's distressing.
I feel so torn and so messed up inside my own head. I just want to forget about him. I want to continue my relationship with the new guy without having my ex pop into my mind and heart.
Has anyone else had setbacks like this? What do you do?
"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

I fantasize about my ex doing this very thing. Working to improve his relationship skills and life skills and then coming back to win me over. I want him back so badly that I would run back to him and we would live happily ever after.
Then I step out of the dream and think of reality. Saying the right words is the easy part. Does his behaviour match the words? Has he taken positive steps of some sort to show that he has really changed? If he is sincere, he will be able demonstrate a difference rather than just voice the words.
Also, you're dating someone else that you seem to think is a good guy. What qualities does your ex have that you think can't be replaced with this other guy, (or some other guy in the future). What is it that is pulling you back to your ex? If it is guilt, familiarity, or fear of being left alone, then you should proceed very carefully.
"The problem now - I have let him talk to me about how he has changed"
Why do you HAVE to let him? What pull does this guy have on you? Is your love for him based on the reality or the potential?
Lois
I didn't say I 'have to'...... I said I 'have'... meaning that i have been listening to him...
I don't know what the pull is honestly - At this point, it could just be jealousy that he is moving on and meeting other girs more so than wanting to try our relationship out again.
Maybe my ego is bruised. I know I am being selfish. I just can't help it.
I'm confused (again). You said in your last post that you know you are being selfish. In your first post you said this man left you, is dating another woman, is meet many other women in bars. My opinion - HE is the selfish one. I don't see how that label applies to you.
I think women have a tendency to focus on every slight fault they have while forgiving the most egregious behaviour of their man's (even their ex's).
Good point :)
Well, his reasoning is why should he stop looking for other relationships if I won't guarantee Im coming back. That's acceptable...
I guess after being dumped by him 4 times - I am obviously gun-shy about coming back to him yet AGAIN.
But I almost feel bad for not giving him a chance if he truly has changed because then it means that he has changed so someone else can reap the benefits. Basically, I broke him so someone else could ride him. NOT FAIR! I put so much into that relationship - was told I wasn't religious enough, not apart of his culture, etc. and now he is dating girls that are not religious and definitely not apart of his culture.
I wish he would move to Iceland.....
I hate to sound like a broken record but the fact that he won't stop dating if you won't guarantee to go back to him is NOT acceptable. He dumped you 4 times. You went back with him each time. You have already proven your devotion to him. It is now his turn to prove himself to you. At a minimum, that proof requires him to stop seeing other women while he is supposedly trying to win you back.
My advice: Start treating yourself with the devotion that you have been showing him. You need to stop being in the giving mode for him and put yourself in the receiving mode.
If he doesn't turn around, than he never will and you are well rid of him. Another man, more deserving of your kindness will come down your path soon enough.
As I posted to you in the thread below, I think the fact that he's stopped going to counseling and is dating around is pretty indicative that he hasn't really changed.
I think your guilt is misplaced. And as I'm pretty sure I said to you while you were in the relationship, all those reasons why things won't work...are just *excuses*.
Sheri
I think you need to evaluate your ex by his actions, not by his words...
He should not be dating other women if he's truly interested in pursuing YOU and being with YOU again. He should be trying to make you feel more comfortable with getting back together, not making you feel guilty for being hesitant about it. Doesn't he realize that his actions are only adding to your fears/doubts?
So he went to therapy; that's great. Why did he quit going? Was he really ready to do that? Another thing...going to therapy does not necessarily change an individual. And from what you've mentioned, it seems pretty obvious that your ex has not changed much at all. I totally understand what you mean though. For over a year, I've fantasized about my ex coming back to me and being a different, better individual. I dream about him changing into the person I once thought he was. It's been very hard for me to accept that it's not going to happen--I'm not sure I'm quite there yet either. But I'm slowly getting to that point.
For a long time, I thought my ex had morphed himself into this great, wonderful guy. He was dating someone else (they're actually engaged now!) and told me numerous times how in love he was, how good they were together, how much he's changed, etc. He used to be a wild party animal and then he stopped going out. He focused more on school and his career goals and said he would never cheat on his new girlfriend--like he had on me and all of his previous girlfriends. I was foolish and believed him...I truly thought he had changed for the better and it made me so jealous to think that his new girlfriend was benefitting from it. I thought it was completely unfair.
But you know what? My ex really hasn't changed at all. He still contacts me occasionally and we actually talked about two weeks ago. And surprisingly enough, he said he isn't happy. He told me he's second guessing his engagement, and that sometimes he thinks he'd be better off single. He also told me that he still "loves" me, misses me, and has these crazy feelings for me--whatever that means. He even had the nerve to ask if I wanted to come visit him (we live in different states) and sleep with him. When I got mad, he said he was just joking, but still--how disrespectful is that?
I have to admit something though...after he told me all of this stuff, I felt pretty good overall. It was nice to hear that he still cares about and misses me, etc. But then I realized a couple of things--he's all talk and no action. Forget the fact that I honestly couldn't and wouldn't allow myself to get back together with my ex if the opportunity arose...and what's funny is that that will never happen. He can tell me that he loves me and misses me all he wants...but it doesn't mean anything. He doesn't back up his words with his actions. He has not tried to get me back, to prove that he still cares, or really made an effort in any way (other than a few texts/IM's). He is still engaged. And most importantly--he hasn't changed one bit...he's still acting shady and playing games. He's still being manipulative; he just wants attention/an ego boost from me. He is disrespecting his fiancee. Instead of feeling jealous, I'm beginning to feel sorry for her. My ex still only really cares about himself. He still isn't happy...
So I'm doing my best not to let him bring me down anymore. I've started talking to someone and that's really helped. I was dating someone else, but I recently broke it off. He was a nice guy, but something just wasn't there between us. I am trying to keep busy with my friends and schoolwork, and I know that I'll be fine. I'm feeling pretty good lately. I'm not sure if my ex and I will speak again. We aren't on bad terms or anything anymore, but I'm not making the effort to keep in touch. I'm more than a little tired of dealing with the drama that comes along with talking to him!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe it's possible for people to change or break old habits...but be very careful. Things and people aren't always what/who they seem. If your ex is serious about wanting to be with you again, let him prove it through his actions. He should understand why you are being so cautious with your heart this time around, and he should be trying to help you through it--not dating other women in case you don't take him back! Good luck :)