Slowly....slowly....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Slowly....slowly....
6
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 8:10pm

Hi All,

Just a note to share some of my latest thoughts and feelings on my feelings following news that my gf had begun "seriously" dating someone new while things between us were unresolved and left in a state of confused limbo. In her mind we'd broken up, in my mind, I thought we were still dating. Sad, confusing and hurtful.

That was February 21st. Since then I've been in NO CONTACT which I broke only once much to my regret.

On Easter she wrote me a typically conflicted note saying she "still cared" and it took "courage" for her to reach out. There was no mention of reconiliation, or meeting up, or the fact she was still with someone else.

I reacted by replying saying that I felt she was in denial about what had happened and about jumping into something new so quickly while things between us had been unresolved. I was quite blunt, not mean, but honest.

I do not recommend people break NO CONTACT. Immediately after, I felt worse. The pain was intense because it represented a set-back in my own emotional healing. It re-opened wounds that were best left alone.

Then I called. It was weird. Despite my strong note, she seemed so glad to hear from me and immediately started making small talk. I said that I'd received her note and she received mine, was there still anything left to talk about or was there something she wanted to say? "I need to collect my thoughts, and I'll get back to you...." That was a week ago.

Again it was a setback in my emotional healing.

Each time someone writes here about "Should I call?" or "Should I make contact"---we all say emphatically NO! But it's hard and from experience all I can say is that it's a setback.

On the positive side, I've reviewed the relationship and the role I played in its disolution. I should have spoken up, I should have been more communicative, I should have left sooner. I've made lists of the things that upset me. This has helped put the whole thing into perspective.

I've begun circulating. I've continued with my exercise and cooking and hobbies that I enjoyed. I try to surround myself with people who share my interests and can help me rebuild my self-esteem.

Slowly...slowly...despite this setback above the overall trend has been towards healing.

It's important for us as those who have been hurt in some way to realize that our ex's are not the solution to healing our pain.

Do you really want to reunite with someone who caused you pain? Who in some way disrespected you or the relationship?

The hard part is accepting our own role. This is the true step towards healing. We are not victims. We cannot wallow in our pain or our sadness. We must find a way to move past this.

Instead of strategizing ways to get our ex's back. We need to accept them for who they are---ex's who have moved on...without us. Get angry, realize that it's ok to be angry as long as you don't STAY angry. Use that anger in a constructive way to channel what you learned into finding a way to avoid a repeat.

This may also mean counseling if you feel you're stuck. This is a good thing.

So there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. I'm feeling stronger. I feel like a cloud has been lifted. I'm sad, but not depressed anymore. I accept my role. I accept also that it's not all my fault and not all her fault. Ultimately though it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and only one to leave it. Accept that and you're on the way to healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 8:50pm

I so appreciate your post especially these words:
Do you really want to reunite with someone who caused you pain? Who in some way disrespected you or the relationship? That pretty much says it all even if the person is a "nice guy" or girl which i keep hearing (and so tired of hearing) and I know is true, no matter, your words still apply. I'm at the angry part now. When i get to the point of done, I'm done! I'm there finally!! Sounds like you too are well on your way!! Thanks for some great insight!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 8:51pm
I am glad you re feeling better.
I sometime feel No Contact is the setback... when you see your Ex you remember the bad things, you know he is only human and he makes mistakes, you know he moved on and you feel you should... When you dont sometime in your mind you imagine them in pain because they lost you and you get stuck... you are sad because you lost them and sad because they are sad and miserable.
Each have different reasons for leaving a relationship. My Ex could not change his habbits and I could not put up with them. and things just went downhill. I know he loves me and I do love him but I know he wont change for me and I wont accept him the way he is.
I m talking about being super cheap and stingy. I realize he has a disease and one day he has to deal with it if he wants to be in a relationship but I dont think he is convinced at this point he has a problem and he would rather give up on our relationship than working on his severe problem. I want to see him in group setting to assure myself he is happy and has moved on. I dont want to see him alone but I sure want to keep him in my life once in a while...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:44pm

Thanks,

I was feeling great yesterday, today I'm feeling down. I've begun to accept I'll have down days. I realize the call I made, even as short and direct as it was, was not a good idea. Easy to blame her but there's enough blame to go around. The way things ended was so confusing for me.

I had a moment last night where I desperately wanted to call for answers. How could we go from being so close, from having so much joy and laughter and fun, to this?

I know she's suffering and feels bad. But feeling bad isn't enough. I've accepted that I didn't "blow it" with this. It takes 2 people. I did pull away but had very good reasons for distancing myself from what I felt was crazy behaviour. Now I waffle between second-guessing whether I did the right or wrong thing.

Ultimately, it takes 2 people to make it work and one person to leave. I never wanted it to end, it ended. Life must go on.

The longer we remain stuck, the longer our own lives are held back. Bad things have happened not only in our lives but in the history of the world, following the darkest days of the Cold War for example people lived in misery in Eastern Europe, now that's over and lives are better but there are new challenges. It's like that in our personal lives. We need to keep moving, we need to keep trying. Acceptance is hard but vital.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:53pm

Thanks....

I think you show tremendous courage in accepting the situation. But from personal experience, the idea of "keeping them in your life once in a while" is a setback to healing.

I think we've been seduced into thinking that if we believe, if we are kind, if we wait, if we hope, we pray things will change. It always seems to end that way in the movies. I know that is fantasy. It's a good story but it is not how things usually end up.

Reality is much more difficult to accept. But only through acceptance can we move on fully without our ex's who didn't want to try.

In my case, mine didn't want to try to compromise, didn't believe in the future of the relationship with me. She claimed to want a commitment and children yet her actions displayed a kind of conflicted individual who lived in a fantasy of what love should be.

I think in reality, my ex was in love with the idea of love, she knew what love looked like, but not what it is. She was full of kind words, but that didn't translate into actions.

I think I held back my words but my actions demonstrated someone who loved her very much.

Whatever the situation, things broke down. I'm too hurt by the fact she jumped into something so quickly while things between us were in my mind unresolved and left hanging. Now they're clear. Now there are no winners just two hurt people. I'll recover, you'll recover.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 11:50pm
Hi walawala, I'm so glad to see you're feeling better and letting go of everything. I can remember some of your posts where you still seemed angry. Anger is good in a way, because it helps us to be self-protective, but like you said, it's best to feel it and then let it go when you're ready. I've been going through all these different phases as well. Missing the ex, blaming the ex, blaming myself, being angry with the ex, being angry with myself, etc. etc. etc. There are a lot of things to sort through. And I agree that no contact is all for the best. I'm lucky in a way that my ex stopped calling me completely 2 weeks after the breakup. On my good days I realize all the times I've wanted to call my ex so bad were just about excuses or things that were within me, not things that contact with him (even if it was positive) could fix. Best of luck with your continued healing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:36am
Thanks, stay strong!