Snooping got my dumped

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Snooping got my dumped
20
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 9:59am
Thanks for everybody that responded to this original post. It really helped me out! Since then, he came back Friday and said that although he was LIVID when he found out I went through his email, he was willing to forgive me since I seemed truly sorry... so now we'll see what happens.


Edited 3/26/2007 3:26 pm ET by sonnyjane

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:08pm

Welcome to the board sonnyjane.


Yikes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:50am
oh dear jane, i am so sorry for you. that`s a typical thing i have experienced myself.if you really love him, why dont you call him and explain every detail to him and then make a joke out of it. he shud really call you back since in the first place he ought to be wondering wot he might have done to make you say u didnt wanna see him again. isnt he curious about wot cud have led to that? just keep calling him, u know, stop by his place to see him and stuff like that. dont give up if he really has been a good person okay? mistakes happen once in a while okay?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 5:38am

Wow, that does completely suck. I am so sorry about how that all went down and that the relationship is now over. I'm going to have to disagree with biolah on their suggestion to keep calling, much less going over to his place and trying to explain your side. That would make you go from overall cool ex who happened to jump to conclusions one day and oh by the way, that sux but maybe you can work something out someday, to----near off-kilter, too apologetic it's bordering on stalkerville. You definitely want to keep your dignity, especially now that you've embarrassed yourself.

If anything, I'd give him a few weeks to cool down and for you to really think about what it was about you (yes, you) that drove you to snoop and then jump to conclusions in a really bad way, whether it's insecurity issues, a general distrusting character, jealousy, and a very short fuse, and then either call him or write him a very short letter, not email --once and only one of these-- and explain yourself. You've apologized, but that was in voicemail and really, i know you can do better than that. You only have one shot to make this right, so take your time, think it out, and give it your absolute best shot. Think how angry and disappointed you would fel if the shoe was on the other foot and go from there. Realize that if he does decide that it's possible for him to start over with you, you really will have to start all over again and earn his trust. Hopefully he's changed his email password by now.

All my best, don't keep beating yourself up about it. Everything does happen for a reason, and maybe the reason this happened is to teach you something about yourself and your character that you may not have even known was lacking. Now you have an opportunity to address that about yourself so that your next relationship, whether it's with this man or someone else, is really, the best it can be. You're a beautiful gal, now it's time to make the inside match the outside.

Good luck!

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 9:01am

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear what happened. I will say, after being in a marriage where my husband cheated, it's very hard to trust people. I will also say that after being with him and doing some snooping of my own, I learned that nothing good could ever come of it. I've come to realize that it's SO easy to rationalize it in your head at the moment. You even think, "thank goodness I've found this info, look at what slime I have been dating!" But the truth is, there are always circumstances and reasons for things (but there are some really dishonest men out there too!)and at the moment we do not want to hear any of it!

I'm sure things are really hard for you now. I would have done the same thing and tried to apologize via text, etc. In all honesty, maybe in a few weeks send him a heartfelt email explaining why you did what you did. If for no other reason than to get it off your chest, and then maybe you can stop beating yourself up about it. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:27am
It is obvious something in your past is making you want to snoop with your new relationship. I think your boyfriend is really upset but honestly if he can't get over this then the hell with him. I am a snooper I will admit. I have a current man now that I have been seeing going on eleven months. So far from my snooping I found naked pics of women on his phone and a couple of girls phone #'s. Each incident I flipped out broke up with him and told him to kick it to the curb. After reasurring me that he has not step out of the bounderies as far as "no good flirting" I have forgave him. I still about once a week check his phone and honestly I feel horrible about it. But I would rather snoop then "God forbides" he actually does something and I was too trusthworthy and didn't see the signs or signals. My point is although my boyfriend is guilty of a. he should not have had naked pics of women on his phone or b. phone numbers (which he claims is for his uncle which is the same age as him to assist him in his photography of taking pics of women) he didn't let me walk away from him. If this man loves you then he should forgive you. And who knows if he never checked your phone or double questioned your actions in the past himself. He should be telling you he loves you and that you have nothing to worry about. My prob is I have such bad trust in men because I feel that they are liars. Have you notice how men lie about the tinest thing that I can't help myself. But one thing is clear since I did find the pics and the #'s on his phone I will never stop snooping now. Cuz I am always going to be looking for him to mess up if he will. Leave your man a guilt trip message. Tell him that you are sorry that you have been hurt in the past and if he loves you he will understand and forgive you. If that doesn't work then forget him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 12:26pm

Hey! I actually just joined to help ya out, lol.

Okay, so I just went through the same type of thing in December. I messed it up, and now we don't talk. I know that it kills, and makes you not be able to eat or sleep and you have constant regrets. I would never ever wish this on ANYBODY, and I'm so very sorry that you're going through this.

Here's all the advice I've gotten:

It's going to stay with you, especially if you loved them. However, it'll get better over time, though it's difficult to believe that right now.

Keep trying to get ahold of him. Explain yourself. If he doesn't respond, you have to realize that it's for the best. If he can't forgive you for this, then he's not the right one for you.

Let your feelings out, and don't hold them in. If you want to cry, do it. It helps big time. (Trust me on this one!)

Have at least one friend that'll help ya out with this. You'd be amazed how many of your friends have gone through the same type of thing that you have.

I have more things that can help. My email is angelrockerbaby@gmail.com if you wanna talk. Again, I'm so very sorry that this happened. It sucks big.

~*RockButterfly*~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 12:55pm

Hello, sonnyjane
Although I understand that your snooping and what you discovered was pure assumption(and maybe not), I can relate to the fact that you were curious. Heck,Who wouldn't be? What's really too bad is that he deceided not to give you another chance. How do you think he would feel about finding something like that. Would he not question? Afterall, he did give you his password or whatever in the first place. If it was just something that was no big deal, why hasn't he forgiven you and let it go? I don't know, if us women got to do ANY investigating, that could be a sign that our instincts are kickin' in and that smells like trouble.
I had the same relationship(give or take a couple of break-ups)from the time I was 16 until I was 28. I acutally am 28 and this relationship ended about 3 months ago. I couldn't take his cheating anymore. No trust?...well, what can I say, if you don't have that, you have nothing.
I pray that your heart heals
Take care!

Carolyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 1:10pm

Hey there girlie!
Firstly, I am glad that you can see the error of your ways. But here's what I found questionable: Although you both were together for close to a year he was that quick to jump and break it off with you without trying to work it out? People make mistakes and no one is perfect but- with that understanding one should expect downfalls.
What your story revealed to me is that he wasn't the most reliable person and isn't the most diplomatic in his reactions.
Trust me when I say this was a blessing in disguise! Would you want a man who will not be there for you when times are tough and down right awful? or a man who will stick there and work with you to make your relationship successful?

Honey- your man is cold and obviously thinks that was the ultimate betrayal and yes you may have said some awful things too, but- crap happens and we get over it and learn from it.
He wasn't good enough for you. Besides if that relationship was over- why continue to save those messages? I beleive when you are emotionally, physically over with a person there shouldn't be any memories lying around, especially that intimate!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 1:24pm

I am so sorry this happens..its hard when u feel like it is your fault that it is over...i would leave a message explaining your past hurt from other men, your distrust..and it was something stupid..you are sorry..you should not have done it...then..leave it alone...dont call him after that..he knows how sorry u are...he either will in time come back to you or not.......let him be.....

It seems to me though, that if he really cared for you, he would have wanted to work it out..not be so darn cold and harsh....in relationships people make mistakes, nobody is perfect...i feel that if he really cared about the relationship he would want to work it out..especially over that. Maybe this was good..it shows u his true character..he doesnt really care or feel u r worth fighting for...what if things get hard? would he have just bailed because he didnt like it..or the situation? Maybe this was a good thing this happed..if he really cared..he would fight for you..not let you go that easily.....stay positive..but dont keep calling..leave a message and if he wants he will come to you..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 2:10pm
Well it sucks that it ended that way, but I guess one way to cope would be to think about why he kept those love letters and such....Most guys move on and forget about it, but maybe he still had some feelings for this girl. Maybe not. Snooping isn't cool, but I'm pretty sure everyone has done it at one point or another. Forgive and forget would be too easy, so I would say forgive yourself, and let him be mad,(he has a right to his emotions) maybe he'll come around and realize that it's a dumb thing to be mad about, or not. Either way it's a life lesson to remember and the next great guy that comes along will most likely be more open and honest with you as you are with him. I'm a firm believer that if a man is emotionally "Available" he'll open up about anything and everything...to an extent. I know I wouldn't want the pertenent details, but the gist of it is cool. Hopefully it works out for you.

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