Snooping got my dumped

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Snooping got my dumped
20
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 9:59am
Thanks for everybody that responded to this original post. It really helped me out! Since then, he came back Friday and said that although he was LIVID when he found out I went through his email, he was willing to forgive me since I seemed truly sorry... so now we'll see what happens.


Edited 3/26/2007 3:26 pm ET by sonnyjane

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 3:10pm
Don't be too hard on yourself. If you had the urge to snoop in the first place, then you definitely had some doubts or fears about the relationship. When you trust someone completely - you don't snoop. And if you were together for 9 months and things were good, why was he hanging on to thosse old emails anyway? Don't beat yourself up: I snooped on my ex and found out he WAS cheating, and while it did devastate me - thank goodness I found out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 3:14pm

I honestly dont blame him for dumping you. You invaded his privacy and accused him of things that was in the past. If he did the same to you, you would have let him go.

No trust. No point. Sorry, but its how relationships have to be in order for them to work.

Next relationship you have, dont go looking into their emails.. and then tell them about it after.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 3:23pm

Hey, sonnyjane, we all screw up. Some of us are unlucky enough to screw up so bad that it just seems like we won't get over it. You've made a great step by realizing that it was you who was wrong. No blame game is a great thing. Now, even if the relationship with this man may not be recoverable, you need to keep you head up and move forward. Most of all, learn from your mistake. I've done something similar to what you did twice in my life. Don't keep looking back at what you did wrong. If you must look back make note of what you did right, use the whole experience to make the next relationship better.

And, if you start thinking the same way again, STOP. Make yourself validate the feelings before you act on them.

Good luck! And I admire you for facing that you were the one who was wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 11:46am

Hi Jane,
First of all only you know him enough ( 9 months is long enough to know) if he is someone to forgive a fault or not. I have known people who need time to process and then forgive and others who never forgive and move on. If you think that he might forgive you giving him time, then be patient, don't harass him but keep sending him little love notes through his email. Short and sweet, nothing to remid him of what happened . I suggest things such as " Thinking of you always" , " Have a great day my love".. watever but please do not remind him of what happened unless he wishes to talk about it.
That should calm him down and make him remember that you made a mitake but are a good person and that you two were in love. Give him time. If nothing happens still, take it a step further and ask him if he thinks what you have done is really that awful to him and explain why you snooped ( snooping is always a form of insecurity), tell him you love him and that you are willing to do watever it takes to have him back. See what happens.

If he is not someone to forgive, oh well, just remind yourself that we are all human beings with flaws, that we do make mistakes ( has he never mistaken in his life?) and that the ability to forgive should be always present in a loving and strong relationship... if it's missing well it's not good and you will find a man who loves you enough to talk about things and try to find a way to understand and forgive your faults as you would do for him. Good Luck! Romana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 9:28pm

Jane,

I too went through this very same situation in October with my boyfriend of 1.5 years. (I am divorced because my ex husband was having an affair.) Anyway, everything was going great in my present relationship until my BF did some things that brought back some old feelings that I got when I was going through my ex husband's affair. You know, some feeling, a gut feeling, a feeling that something is not right or a little off, etc. Instead of confronting him and trying to talk to him about it like an adult, I decided to snoop. He never gave me his passwords, I guessed them and snooped for a few weeks. I didnt find anything incriminating, just a few harmless emails, nothing that would lead me to believe he was cheating on me like I thought he may be. I pretty much gave it away that I had been snooping and he in turn called me on it and asked me how long I was doing it for. Needless to say we broke up and after three weeks of no contact, we finally got on the phone with each other. We were much calmer and were able to talk about what happened. Three weeks of no contact was hard but I backed off and gave him his space and some time to cool off. I used the time to really think about MY actions and why I would have risked a wonderful relationship with a great guy by snooping.

I finally admitted to him what I had done and the reasons I felt I was driven to do them. He was angry with me and rightfully so, but ultimately he listened to me and was pretty understanding. In the end, he forgave me and we are still together. Give it some time and let him go in a sense. The more you chase him and try to apologize, the less it will mean to him and the more you may push him away. If in the end he decides to not forgive you, then he really isnt the one for you. Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 9:04am

I have to wonder why you would go through his email? Did he do ro say something that would lead you to believe that he was cheating on you? The way for you to "cope" with this is to ask yourself why you did that in the first place. You don't want to go into another relationship and do the samething. I know what I am saying is not the nicest thing but it has to be said. If this man was SO good to you, and did not give you reason to think he was cheating...then you have a issue of insecurity that you need to to address before you move on or get back together with him.

Now with that said...I have to wonder if there is something there made you feel this way. Sometimes we women just know when something is not right. Could it be there is something going on with him...and you just didn't see the right info? Why keep love letters from another women claiming that he will love her always.

I would let this one go if I was you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 9:26am
If, after one message from you that you never want to see this guy again, he never asks why/what happened/can we discuss/, then he was hiding something from you, and his guilty conscience prompted his "probably best" lame-o remark.
His refusal to answer any of your messages or acknowledge you in any way further reinforces my opinion that he was a jerk who knows HE's the loser in this situation, and that you were always too good for him. He WANTS you to beg, grovel, and demean yourself in order for him to say that he, out of the "goodness" of his heart will give you "just one more chance". Thus, you'll feel indebted to him and walk on eggshells around him-just what he wants. Forget this turkey, honey. You're better off without him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 10:38pm

I'm sorry to hear about the rough time you are going through. I'm sure that things will get better - however that may be. Having been in a simular situation I have to think though that after nine months that there was something that caused you to not trust your ex. I snooped and found the worst however stayed because I felt guilty about snooping. Maybe your instict to snoop came from past experiences... Or maybe your insticts were telling you to protect yourself, maybe he wasn't being as open in the relationship as you needed him to be or perhaps you were just looking for the fly in the ointment. Relationships are about sharing - your thoughts, your life, your feelings and being honest about your place in the relationship. And it seems like despite the lack of lying or cheating there must have been some areas of your relationship in which you felt he was not open about. Ommisions and things left unsaid are perhaps worse than bold faced lies. In any case - do not be too hard on yourself but be honest and learn from this experience. If it was meant to be - then this wouldn't be the end. Men and women all have fears in relationships and if he can't understand that you were afraid of getting hurt - which is reason you would snoop - then he's not the guy for you.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:33am
I know you're emotions are taking over now, but I think this is a good thing. Why was he still holding on to love letters and pictures.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 8:17pm
Yeah, I check my boyfriends myspace even though he doesn't know, but afterwards I feel so guilty for it, and I DO trust him, its just that I don't trust other girls with him. And I really feel bad about it, and I just wish I could tell him sometimes, but I really don't want him to get the idea that I don't trust him. What should I do? :( -Guilty

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