So confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
So confused
1
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 7:22pm
Hi, new here just don't know what to do. We were together for 9 years and it was my decision to break up. That was almost four months ago. He has a lot of growing up to do, has no future plans, etc. The problem is that I do still love him. He is a good guy but we both got too comfortable in our relationship. Well I was fine until Thanksgiving then I lost it and haven't recovered. Going shopping for gifts and thinking of things he would love..everything is reminding me of him. I miss him horribly. I know it was the right thing to do but I can't understand what is wrong with me. I want to speak to him, call him, hug him. I had our anniversary card in my car and broke down for about 20 minutes. I feel so guilty for hurting him and can't believe he is no longer in my life. Should I be feeling this way even though I am the one that broke it off? I also get mad that he hasn't called or tried to win me back even though I know that sounds ridiculous. I feel like he just gave up so easily but the few times I have spoken to him he says he will call or we will meet for coffee or something and then nothing. I don't want to call because I dont want to be misleading and I feel that would be selfish. I already feel like I am a bit selfish because he says that it shouldn't matter that he has no career goal and that love is all we need. Is he right? I just am having so much trouble making it through these holidays. Thanks for listening. Alex
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
In reply to: tazangel22
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 8:20pm

Taz,

Wow 9 years is a long time to be with someone. My heart goes out to you. It must be painful that it took you that long to realize that he had no ambition. Love is a wonderful, profound feeling, but it doesn't pay the bills or provide the *creature comforts* we want in life. And it is equally as sad to have realize that you have both grown complacent, not wanting to work on the relationship, and not wanting to end it.

I do believe you love and miss him, but I also think you love and miss the person you wanted him to be. You now have to come to terms with not one, but two break ups. There will be the guilt, anger, sorrow, and many other feelings to go through before you can get over it.

To be gentle, my dear, I wouldn't expect him to call, have coffee, or win you back. He was not willing to move great mountains, even for himself. It would be asking a lot to have him do it for others.

The Holidays, which is supposed to be a time of love, joy, and sharing, does not suit our mood right now. Sometimes, I still want to go find a corner, cover myself with a blanket, and wallow in the *negative* feelings. And I do just that. But, I also grab every morsel of *good* feelings that is given to me. So, enjoy what you can: eat a cookie, buy yourself something nice, share a Christmas carol with someone, enjoy one (and only one) rich, delicious SPIKED eggnog.

I would continue the NC until you get a better handle on why you broke up and the emotions that come with it. We're here for you.

Mimiche