So confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2012
So confused
3
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 6:19pm

Long story short my boyfriend and I were living together for two years and he started getting more and more disrespectful of my time and feelings.  I told him to either treat me with love and respect or get out.. he chose to leave.  I couldn't believe it.  I was so upset... we went through the whole thing, didn't talk for two weeks, he came back for his stuff and that was it.  Then he came back a week later singing a different tune and I thought he realized his mistakes and was willing to make changes.  I took him back (not moving back in though) and things were great for three months.  Then this past Thursdy he broke up with me... we were having a conversation and he was going out of town with his brother this weekend.  I thought I was going to see him Friday and he said no because they had to get going.  I asked im to be more considerate when making plans because now that's three weekends in a row he has made plans without me.  I wasn't upset, I just asked that in the future he be more considerate.  And he said "it's not going to work."   That was Thursday, and I haven't heard from him... it's now Monday... I really love him and things were better!  That is the most confusing part... he came back and made the changes.  He was talking about plans for Thanksgiving, Christmas, an upcoming wedding... he even was talking about a ring... HE brought it up.  I am sooooooo confused.  He has done this before where he would break up with me and then I would ask what I could do to make it work and we would talk it out.... but I can't keep this up.  I am not calling, I figure he wants me to chase him since that's what I have done in the past.... but I am not doing that again.  Any advice?  What if he does try to come back? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: Flgirl305
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 6:52pm

Flgirl, I'm sorry you are going through this.   I guess you've been in the mindset of 'working through problems' instead of just looking at what you've got and making a decision about what's best for yourself.   Thing is, while there is benefit in discussing problems, I believe that there are some problems which don't warrant discussions.   Being overlooked is one of them.   Thing is, being overlooked is not a problem to be discussed and fixed - it's a sign that he's not into you.

This whole thing about asking him to consider you...    Do you really think he doesn't know that he should do this?   Come on, credit the guy for having half a brain -  Of course he knows!   He just chooses not to because it suits him.   Reminding him is just a waste of breath.

I don't know if he will ask to come back, but if he does ask - you need to say "no".   Go find yourself a man who does make you a priority.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: Flgirl305
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 12:32pm

Flgirl305 wrote:
<p>Long story short my boyfriend and I were living together for two years and he started getting more and more disrespectful of my time and feelings.  I told him to either treat me with love and respect or get out.. he chose to leave.  I couldn't believe it.  I was so upset... we went through the whole thing, didn't talk for two weeks, he came back for his stuff and that was it.  Then he came back a week later singing a different tune and I thought he realized his mistakes and was willing to make changes.  I took him back (not moving back in though) and things were great for three months.  Then this past Thursdy he broke up with me... we were having a conversation and he was going out of town with his brother this weekend.  I thought I was going to see him Friday and he said no because they had to get going.  I asked im to be more considerate when making plans because now that's three weekends in a row he has made plans without me.  I wasn't upset, I just asked that in the future he be more considerate.  And he said "it's not going to work."   That was Thursday, and I haven't heard from him... it's now Monday... I really love him and things were better!  That is the most confusing part... he came back and made the changes.  He was talking about plans for Thanksgiving, Christmas, an upcoming wedding... he even was talking about a ring... HE brought it up.  I am sooooooo confused.  He has done this before where he would break up with me and then I would ask what I could do to make it work and we would talk it out.... but I can't keep this up.  I am not calling, I figure he wants me to chase him since that's what I have done in the past.... but I am not doing that again.  Any advice?  What if he does try to come back? </p>

He will try to come back. You can count on it.  I can't tell you exactly when, but be prepared for it. What are you going to say to him when he does pop up?  He will most likely use the "can we still be friends" approach.

I think it all depends upon how you feel you deserve to be treated, how much value to assign yourself and how much you want this guy in your life.  And I'm talking about right now, exactly how he is because that is "what is".  "How you wished he would be" does not enter into this.  As my dad used to tell me "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride".

 He has shown you that he has no intention on changing his tack as far as considering you is concerned.  He can talk all the pretty talk and go through all the motions, but he has no consistency in his estimation for you.  Fact of the matter is: he sees nothing wrong with treating you and your time with disrespect...  that is the only thing in which he has shown his consistency. There is absolutely nothing that will guarantee that he will ever view you and your time as being worth enough for him to stop and pause and think about how his actions impact you.

You need to figure out if you can be quiet and content with this kind of treatment for as far as the rest of your time with him goes.  You've given him once chance already to show you that he does esteem you satisfactorily and he's failed.  How many more chances, how much more of your youth are you going to pour down that bottomless hole of dissatisfaction behind him and his foolishness? It's time you'll never get back, so think long and hard about how you will address him when he does show up. And mark my words: he will show up with rings, flowers and everything else to keep his status quo and in accepting any of it, you'll be giving your tacit approval to his treatment of you.

Will you be able to live with and love the person you'll have to become in order to be with this paticular guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2012
In reply to: Flgirl305
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:52pm

Ok... Update.  So he did come back one week later and we talked and we both decided we had some thinking to do about what we really wanted.  He told me he loved me and he left. He called me Mon - Thu and we talked about going to dinner on Friday.  He didn't call Friday or Saturday and I finally made up my mind that I was truly done.  Then I get a call from his phone at 2 am.  It is another girl!!   He has been seeing her since Oct. 7, he took her to the family event i wanted to go to on the 13.  He took her 4 hours away to meet his family after only meeting her on the 7!!!  They met on plenty of fish.  She has been living at his place Mon-Thu and he has been at hers Fri-Sun.  He still saw me and was asking me if he could move back in with me while she was staying at his place.  He told her he had a night job and that was when he would see me.  I just can't believe it!!!  Having unprotected sex with some chick he met online.  After 2 1/2 years this is how it ends... I am just happy there is no more limbo, nothing else to think about.  What a cruel sicko!!  I had absolutely no idea...  part of me feels stupid and embarrassed for not seeing this.  Even with hindsight there were no huge flags until two weeks ago when he broke up with me (the original post).... but he was doing this during the time I thought things were great.  I just don't know how I missed it...  I am more mad at myelf and I feel naive and stupid for not seeing it.  I know it's not my fault, but I am struggling to stop kicking myself...