so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2008
so confused
2
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 8:57pm
I'm not even sure how to begin this...i started dating this guy about 2 and a half years ago. The night we met was the first night we everkissed and so the fact that we never knew eachother as friends/ have nothing to go back to has always been a problem...we dated all of our freshman year at college, originally it was more of a sexual chemistry thing( something thats always kept us coming back) and we didnt know eachother very well but were friends with the same people, but then abotu halfway through that year it became pretty serious. We broke up 3 times that year and each time we did we'd end up hooking up a lot and getting back together and all the fights that would result from breakups served to make us closer.it started to become my life, and i started to not know who i was without him. we started the next year exclusively dating again but quickly broke up and went back into the "hooking up" thing, where we acted like a couple....but hooked up with other people...which was never good for either of us...i'm a jealous/insecure person to begin with and there were many many many fights.the whole thing was very dramatic. but by that time, we were really attatched to eachother/ didn't know anything else/ loved eachother a lot...so we kept doing it at the same time all of the stress from it was causing me to slip into anorexia, something i struggled though all of highschool, then january of last year we decided we were being stupid, and we should just be together fully, the relationship started out perfectly, probably the best its ever been, but quickly my sickness began to escalate, i was put on a cocktail of medications that had terrible reactions, and was very paranoid/ depressed along with my jealousy, which hecontsantly reassured me about/ went to therapy sessions with me etc....made me feel loved, which i was... about 3 months in it got to the point where i was having panic attacks and was once rushed to the hospital because i "thought" he was cheating on me( he wasnt and didnt give me any reason to think that)....abotu 3 weeks after that, and many similiar episodes he broke up with me...and i went insane...it was my lowest point, that was in july, that aside...i eventually began to get out of it...i broke contact with him for the rest of the summer and started to begin to realize i was my own person before he ever entered the picture. i started dating, and kept myself busy with work and began to feel like the world wasnt over without him...when we got back to school it was terrible, neither of us knew how to be friends ( that had always ended with us together again) and we needed the breakup to be real, so we didnt speak at all apart from the occasional public blowout when we saw eahcother drunk, and many drunk dials...etc. typical breakup stuff...then about a month ago instead of a fight...we started to kiss...and now im confused...i never really got over him I just forced myself not to think about him. and im different now. After that night he wanted to get back together and I said no. but i so want to. I know the way ive described this all the advice will be not to, but I'm a different person, I'm over my illness...and i miss him, I still love him and feel like hes a part of me...and i dont know what to do now...i don't know if me being a normal human being again would change things, or if weve been through to much to ever be normal again
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2007
In reply to: leigh2256
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 9:17pm

Hi Leigh, I'm glad you're doing better. From what I've read it seems that you and your ex had an intense relationship, almost addictive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: leigh2256
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 9:41pm

Welcome to the board leigh2256,


::After that night he wanted to get back together and I said no. but i so want to. I know the way ive described this all the advice will be not to, but I'm a different person, I'm over my illness...and i miss him, I still love him and feel like hes a part of me...and i dont know what to do now...


So you didn't say yes because?