So Confused
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So Confused
| Wed, 12-05-2007 - 3:16pm |
My girlfriend of 4+ years recently broke it off with me (both in mid 20's) citing that she needed to be single for awhile and that she still loved me but was no longer in love with me.

Hi allconfused21 -
I am all confused myself.
My bf of 2 years also realized that he was not ready to be in a serious relationship and needs to be single. I held on to the belief that he would come back to me. But just recently I had a convo with him and realized that's probably not the case.
How could I have been a big part of his life and suddenly he's totally fine with me not being in his life anymore?? I'm in the same boat with you on that one. How could he share me with his family and friends, love me, and then give all that up?
I've come to understand that this is better for the both of us. There is no way I would have wanted him to be with me out of obligation, or if he was not 100% sure about wanting to be with me. Maybe by being single he will begin to know more what he wants.
And I believe that your ex also needs to be 100% certain that she WANTS to be in this relationship with you. She isn't totally sure, and therefore knows she can't pretend and drag you along.
How do you get over it? Read the articles provided in the resource section.
Understand that she is going through something in her life and it doesn't mean that she doesn't care for you or doesn't want you in her life. It's just that she wants you, but this other thing about being single and exploring that, is bugging her. She can't have you both and she knows she'll regret it if she doesn't scratch this itch of hers.
This is the conclusion I've come to with my ex. It doesn't make anything easier to tolerate, I know. But at least you can see her point of view.
She's doing something for herself, and it doesn't involve you. Although her family and you think what she's doing is a horrible mistake, only she can find that out for sure. There's really nothing you can do.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you know that you deserve so much more. It will take time to get over this, but you will get over it.
Keep posting and venting. :)
I guess I know this needed to happen -- it is just so sad to me to love someone so much and to not wind up with them.
Hey -
Do not feel like you're being self centered! It's good for me to stop thinking about my situation and help others in need. It helps me in a way. :)
This breakup is so fresh for you and of course you think you'll love her forever. You may love forever, but I'm sure after some significant time, that love will change. Things change, and you may not feel that way now, but everything will get easier and life will go on.
After some time apart and with no contact, you will see the relationship for what it truly was and you'll see that you were not getting all that you wanted from her. After a long while, she may come back to you, but honestly, you will be in a different state of mind - a more logical state of mind where you're only thinking about yourself and your well being. And you'll see that you may not feel so bad to tell her no.
Plus, you don't have to think about that now. Take this day by day. Even hour by hour if you need to.
You asked me what made me realize that my ex and I would not be getting back together? Well firstly, a few months before we broke up, he made out with a girl. He told me about it the day we broke up. He was incredibly regretful (and still is) but knows that he has to be single right now. For 2 years I've always worked on our relationship, I always felt more committed than he was. He broke up with me once before because he wasn't ready for a relationship, and then made out with a chick 6 months after we get back together. I've just realized that he truly was not and still is not ready to be in a committed relationship.
I hung on to his words of sadness, regret, appreciation of me, him missing me, all of those things, I hung on to thinking he would man up, become the person he wanted to be, and come back to me. Because after all, he would cry and tell me he missed me. So I waited. I still did everything I wanted to, but I still had it in the back of my mind that he would come back to me. But then I thought he was dating this girl and I decided to ask him about it. Turns out he wasn't dating that specific girl, but that he was talking with other girls - he was doing things with other girls that he does not regret and knows that it will help him in the long run, but he knows it will hurt me. Therefore he has to separate himself from me, and wanted me to do the same. He didn't want to give me any guarantees that he was coming back to me. Even though he still said he missed me.
Therefore, I know he's probably doing things with other girls that would hurt me. And I know I need to separate myself from him. He may never come back to me. He can totally find another girl that he doesnt need to start over with.
And plus, I am realizing that I deserve someone who is committed to me and won't cheat on me. Therefore I know that I may find someone while he's off "finding himself."
And again, never say never. Your ex may come back to you but you don't know when. And it's such a bad idea to expect her to come back. My ex may come back to me, but I have a life to live, and I will not wait for him. I don't know how long it will take him to finally be ready. But I have to have enough respect for myself to move on.
I do miss him so much but I have to know this is good for me. I would never want to be with him only to have him cheat on me again a few years down the road cause he realized again that he wasn't ready..
Your ex has some things to figure out and believe me, you want nothing less that someone who, as you said, truly WANTS to be with you with no doubt in her mind.
Welcome to the board allconfused21,
There's a lot of references in the Resource Section of the board, but here's a few good ones to consider:
Relationship Grieving Process