so confused, he offers a "compromise"

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
so confused, he offers a "compromise"
16
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 8:36pm
short version: i wanted to know where our relationship was going-certain things have made me feel a tad insecure and i wanted security and assurance for the future-so yes i pressured and pushed the issue. we have been together 2 plus years-i was spending lots of time and effort on the relationship-cause well, i love him. but i love me too and all i got when i brought up marriage was "im not ready"

well, a girl can only hear that for so long. it really brought me down-i thought arent i good enough? is he not sure he loves me? is this just a comfort zone for him? am i wasting time(im gonna be 30 soon and want kids)? what is holding him back ?-we've had ups and downs but a pretty good relationship-so i really questioned how he felt about me and decided it was time to go and not let him determine my life anymore.

so i left him and im not one to sit around so i went out on 2 dates in a matter of 1 week (both were not great but thats besides the point i got out there and did it!) and really started to try to accept the "end"

BUT- HE shows up at my house after the many calls and texts i didnt answer. he looked so sad and i didnt hesitate to throw myself right back into his arms. i just missed him so much and it felt so natural and right to be in his arms-and i know he feels the same, i really think he loves me, but this commitment issue has got him so scared-

so anyway-he asked me back with a compromise-not very romantic i know but its something.

he wants 3 months w/ me-if he wont commit by the end i am supposedly able to walk away and start my life knowing it will be without him. he said he doesnt want pressure-and he wants it to be special if he proposes-he want 3 months-(HUGE SIGH) i just dont know what to do anymore-

this is such a roller coaster-he has hurt me to the core and has a history of a few empty promises-yet his parents tell me how miserable he is w/o me and how he needs me in his life and they know he wants me forever-he is just "slow"

i guess i should be ecstatic-but it seems so clinical-so business like-3 month deadline.

sad part is i love him-i know i do deep in the core of my soul i love this guy-i want him forever, there is no other and he is not PERFECT, but for me he is. after all he has done and all the messing up-im still here tortured, cause i want him back and i know its a risk that he may not come thru. anyone have any suggestions? i am so confused:( at least he is away this week-gives me time to think (but i did see him and have sex with him before he left-i know i know-i just couldnt stop myself-its like its so easy for me to just fall right back in love and run to him when i thought i was doing so good forgetting)

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:14pm
I'm sorry my post caused you distress, but you did ask for it!

Just so you have it clear in your head: he is a commitmentphone, Angilena. You called it. And you can hear him making excuses in six months. Personally, not even knowing you, I can tell you that you deserve better. (I don't care how wonderful the man is if he puts conditions on when, if and how he marries you he will probably continue to do that for the rest of your days together.)

Despite my feelings, I hope it works out for you. Please feel free to keep in touch via email if you like. Like I said in the other post, I've been involved with several commitmentphobes in my day, so I pretty much know the terrain. (I hope I'm wrong about this one.)

Hugs and good wishes,

Laura

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:36pm
I'm really not clear on why you removed the deadline. He needs it, or he won't act.

Sheri

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:32pm
Hi NWW

its simple yet not the reason why i removed the deadline. i didnt want him to come to me with a ring b/c of a deadline, i wanted him to come to me b/c of his heart. i know in my heart and im not afraid of the "risk" involved-he is. i guess some people are not like me-some people dont trust thier feelings or know themselves. this is all so painful and so frustrating. i just dont know what to do anymore-part of me justs wants to give up and part of me cant just yet. i feel like i want to explode-this is just too much complication for the sake of love-i thought it was simple.


Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:34pm
laura thank you-i will email you
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:38pm

So sorry you're going through this, hon... Laura gave you excellent advice and I couldn't have said it better myself.


Hang in there and stay strong- you deserve someone great, and you'll find him one day! Keep us posted...

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...


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"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:40pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry to hear you've had problems but glad to see your guy cares enough to try and work this out....even if it's a businesslike contractual way. Here's a thought......why not continue or go back to seeing him but stay living seperate....and then you can do the no pressure thing....still see him and comit to him but if you see the relationship isn't headed where you'd like it to...you can always end it with out the drama of moving out again. But that's just an idea. We're here to help no matter what you decide. Good luck and keep us posted!!!
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