so confused. help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
so confused. help
5
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:13am
Ok well I have give the long story of my breakup a few days ago so here is the short one. My BF of 4.5 years and I split on Sunday because he said he began to feel unhappy with the relationship. I got to the point where I was getting no answers from him and no respect. I tried to be understanding and help him in his struggles but after getting no where I told him I could no longer do this anymore. This was NOT what I wanted by far but I felt I was doing the right thing. So since sunday we have talked a few times (once a day) and things have been much better. He seems excited to hear from me and is much more loving and respectful. Last night on the phone he was telling me how he was glad to hear from me that he had had a really bad day (everything went wrong). To make a long story short I ended up going over there to talk to him and help him out. Mistake? I dont know. When I got there he just hugged me and sighed. Then we layed down together and held eachother and talked. We kissed for a bit and then we both fell asleep holding eachother. By about 3am I woke up and went home. I havent spoken to him yet this morning. I dont know what to make of this or to expect. Does this mean anything? Please help. thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 6:55pm
I definitely know exactly how you must be feeling. I went through the same thing. Unfortunately my experience ended badly. What I thought was us being happy again, was really me just missing what we had. I was not in love with my bf, those feelings were gone, but having that security blanket of having someone to hold you is so powerful. Sometimes it can just be out of habit. I would be very careful if I were you. I would take things extremely slow. I would also let him call you. Also, don't forget the reason why you guys broke up in the first place, that can go by the way side sometimes. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:54pm
Was it a mistake?----Depemds.....are you wanting to get over him and move on with your life or are the both of you wanting to try and repair your relationship and pick up where you left off? If you want to move on then I would highly suggest no contact until the both of you are over the other. If you're wanting to rekindle what you had (and he does to) then I don't see anything wrong with you talking and such. But be careful because so many times the wanting to get back together is one sided and that person usually gets hurt even worse in those situations......tread carefully. Good luck and keep us posted...we're here if you need us.













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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:10am
Dear tigger613,

Four and a half years is a good chunk of time to invest in a relationship and you're not going to get over it overnight. Expect lots of tears, but they will end eventually. I've read it takes about one year of healing to get over every five years invested in a relationship. You didn't mention either of your ages, but I'm going to guess you're still pretty young. It wouldn't hurt for you both to separate with no contact...maybe you could both agree upon a time, say six months or a year, to spread your wings as individuals. After that, who knows? maybe your affection will have grown, or disappeared altogether. Either way, you're better off with your new knowledge of self and each other. I know the saying is oh-so-dated-and-corny, but it's still true, coined in the 60's, I believe:

If you love something, let it go.

If it comes back, it's yours.

If it doesn't, it never was.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to strike out on your own and seeing what else life has to offer before making a potentially life-long commitment. We need to grow into healthy individuals before we can make healthy couples, and even then, it's rough. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you both clinging to each other. Sometimes it's braver to walk away from something that has died than to try to pump life into a corpse. It sounds like he still cares for you, but if you hang onto him while he is longing to explore the unknown, he will end up resenting you. Be strong and be the first to make a clean break. Spend the next year pursuing your own dreams, you won't regret it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:19pm
Thank you all so much for your replies. You are all right I have to be very careful and am planning on talking to him tonight to find out his intentions here and decide whether the no contact thing is needed or not. Im not sure if he wants to rekindle this or if he is just holding on because of fear. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 10:13pm
You are so right. I too have found myself in a somewhat similar situation as tigger. My fiance and I have just recently gone our seperate ways. This ocurred just three weeks ago this upcoming Saturday. I'll tell you, it has been so hard. We were together for 3 years and lived together for 2. We are both in our mid-twenties and it had crossed my mind that maybe we were too young, but he along with our families were so excited that I was sucked in as well. I love him very much and there are no words for the pain that I have been feeling over the past few weeks. He had told me that he hadn't been feeling right the past couple of months and that he wanted to see other people. I was crushed and somewhat blind-sighted. The first week I called him wanting to know what had gone wrong...thinking it was something that I had done or not done. He was the first man I had ever pictured spending the rest of my days with.

He is an aspiring musician with a day job. He also told me the reason he wanted to end things completely was because he felt his band (which he plays in with 19 year olds) was getting good enough to play at venues over the next year and that if there were girls backstage (grouppies?) that he doesn't know if he could resist the temptation. (He has never played live and only plays in the basement with his younger brother and his brother's friends.) God, I was thinking "WHAT?!" We had just returned from looking at a potential reception hall when he dropped the bomb. I had just spoken with his mother the day before and his sister had called me that morning. I couldn't believe it. I still find myself feeling that way, however I am trying to move forward. It's really hard. Some days are good...but then I relapse and just want to cry...I feel empty. I think doesn't he even miss me? Is this not hard for him? No matter what, I have promised myself that I will not call him...which is hard but something I've stuck to in the last two weeks and plan on sticking to. He has called me a few times, but I make myself leave the room and not answer.

Contact is evil (well, not really). It just draws you back in and you continue in this revolving door that may never stop. Like I said, it is hard especially with so many memories, but sometimes its better to let go and be thankful it happened now and not the day of your wedding, after you're married or worse yet if you had children. I truly believe that these things happen for a reason and sometimes you just get lucky.