So confused, need opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
So confused, need opinions
4
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 9:10am
First of all my ex and I work together. We use to be engaged. We were supposed to be married on October of this year, but I went through some personal issues (getting off of an anti anxiety medicine) that just made me wacky...calling off the wedding because we were fighting (my fault, because of the side effects of the medications...etc.) I hurt him because I had to take a lot of time for myself to get back on track (I didn't call him, didn't want to go out, didn't ask for his support)...to be me again without medicine, and some counseling(which I'm still going to). We had our whole future planned, and I ruined it (not on purpose and he understands this, but still)
So finally, I told him, I was ready....i was sorry for everything that happened, and I was ready for what we had originally started. He is truly my other half.....the other half of my heart, my mind, my soul....
I took too long though. He's scared now. I put him through hell, and he's scared something like that will happen again. Of course I've tried time and time again with letters, cards, talking....to reassure him that there are no outside factors weighing in on my decisions. I want him and I together...in life...growing old with each other.
He's asked me to give HIM time now...how much? Who knows. We still talk at work..sometimes full conversations, sometimes hi and goodbye. I've tried every method I can to get over him, because I feel like that's the right thing to do in case he comes back in a couple months and says "you know Jeni, I just can't go through it again"
I won't be able to handle my heart being torn up a second time. I've tried not talking to him at all...talking to him and being myself, long talks, short talks...Nothing feels right. He was my best friend...that was a big part of our relationship. I will not accept that people cannot still be friends after they've loved. Anything is possible.
He tells me that he's so torn, he wants me to give him the time that he gave me, and I want to, but how do I go on in the meantime(my heart breaks that I can't kiss him hello and goodbye.
Is he really considering "us"? Should I continue to talk to him like nothing is going on? Should I avoid him? I just don't know how to handle this. It's so hard. I've tried everything they say to do...pampering myself, baths, breathing, crying, eating isn't going so well, working out, going out. I'm trying not to do the bad things...smoking, drinking too much, rebound dating.....
How do I deal?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 12:03pm

Oh, this has got to be so hard. But I think the best thing to do for yourself is to assume that his answer is going to be no, and start moving on.

Working with him is of course going to make this much, much harder than it would be if you could have no contact (and that's the reason the other things you're doing don't help--no contact is the foundation of every recovery from a breakup). What has worked best for the people I know who work with their exes (or have to have contact due to having kids together or other similar situations) is to keep contact to a *minimum*. You should only have contact if you absolutely have to for your job, and keep it strictly professional--no personal chit-chat. But there's no avoiding the fact that it's going to take much longer for you to recover because you have to have some contact.

It would probably be a good idea to have a conversation with him before you start this however, just so he's not left scratching his head about your behavior. I'd say something like, "As you know, I am very sorry for the pain I put you through and I really want for things to work out between us. I respect the fact that you need time to consider this. But in the meantime, I need to start moving on and so I will be limited our contact to a strictly professional basis. Once you make up your mind I hope you will let me know right away, but in the meantime, I need to only talk about work to you. I hope you can understand why."

I'm curious, what does your counselor advise?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 3:07pm
The therapist I'm talking to doesn't have opinions exactly on what I should or shouldn't do. He definitely wants me to divert my focus to other areas of my life, which I can absolutely do. I'm looking to buy a house soon, and change careers. The hard part is the future was also meant to include *him* and It feels so empty now. I feel empty. I'm putting my way through every day, and talking to God, doing anything I can to just be okay. It gets easier, but some days its hard. Hearing a song, hearing him laugh....just thinking of a memory. We did EVERYTHING together.
I have thought the same thing to myself though, I have to tell myself that we will not get back together, so that I don't set myself up for a second heartbreak. He's not the type of person to string me along or give me false hope (trust me, he's very caring) but I do have hope (in part because of the things he says, and in part because I just know that he will never find another me....I know our relationship was one of a kind, and I know that might sound...um...delusional or something maybe, but it's an intense gut feeling. I just know. I just know that we were meant for each other. Whether we end up together is a different story, but... all that nonsense about fate and soulmates, with him and I, it's true.
I tell myself everyday to live as though we will not get back together, and I will continue to do that until he tells me otherwise. I've seen other people, family members, etc...break up...once maybe twice, and still get married. My mom and stepdad broke up, and they've been married now for 8 years. Anything is possible. I won't cling to that, but it's the truth.
I really do have a hard time not being his friend right away, the real thing. We were friends before lovers, before partners, and I would rather see him happy with someone else (even though it would hurt) and still be his friend, than nothing at all.
I can move on just as sure as he can. I can find love again, and that's what I will do (not in a purposeful way) but the natural way that he and I got together.
I'm not afraid of us not getting back together anymore because I've taken all our tangible memories and stored them away. I don't look at pictures and think back. I'm realistic. I just don't know what to make of him. I know I'm not ready to date, but all the same I hate the feeling of not having someone to wrap their arms around me. I would rather be happy and single than unhappy and with someone else....I don't know. Just feeling lonely and split right now. Where is that "forget them" spirit I had before I fell in love :)
One thing is for sure...I've learned many lessons and values, and I had the greatest time, so I will never call our relationship a waste. Just wish time would fast forward a bit you know? lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 10:47am
Hello,
First of all what you are going through sounds a lot like what im giong through. My finace got along just fine, but sometimes my attitude would get in the way, i had issues from past life problems. After being together for 3 years he finally tells that he can't do it anymore and this is of course after i had changed for the better like he wanted me to. You know what he said! He said he needed time to think about it!!!! Well it took him a month and half of dragging me through hope after hope that we would be together. If he says he needs time to think, get him out of your head, for some reason beyoned our knowing they will just drag you through it till they have had enough. Stand strong and be postive you can find another man, trust me I know how you feel, it hurts like hell, but be strong and be postive that way you can meet another man who will accpet you for you and not someelse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 11:36am
What happened in your situation?
I am partially moving on in spirit, not in dating again, but I feel like it's only fair that he gave me my time, so I should give him his....don't you think?