So Confused......Need Advice
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| Thu, 12-23-2004 - 12:22pm |
Hey Everyone! I posted here a couple of weeks ago about my ex Scott and I breaking up over my seeing another guy. The advice and thoughful words I was given were great. In fact the very same day I posted that message him and I decided to get back together and work it out again. Well that lasted for about two weeks and now we are not together again becuase he says that I still lied to him and the other guy. I really cannot understand why I got so caught up in the other guy that had nothing to offer me at all. He is a loser but I still fell for him in some way and even after I found out he was married I still talked to him. That is what Scott says I was still lying to him about and we broke up Monday. I really do love Scott and can't imagine going on without him but he has given me too many chances. I just talked to him a few minutes ago and he said something that really has confused me even more. He told me that feelings don't go away overnight and he still loves me and will still love me for a long time. He also said that he torn right now between never talking to me again and moving on and then wanting to see me and get back together again. I told him that I'm sure he wants to get over me and move on and he stated that he was not ready to do that and he would not go out with anyone that soon because he is not sure he is ready to let me go yet. I don't understand what I should do because he has said that before and then we have gotten back together. It does not make it easy to go with my life because part of still wants to hang on to that hope that he will come back again. What should I do? i love him so much and don't understand how I cheated on him with a guy that is married and has nothing to offer at all to me. Scott was wonderful to me and loves me so much. He still tells me that. My behavior is totally unlike me. I don't do things like that and now I ruined everything forever. I need advice or some supportive words to help me through this.
Rachael

Rachael,
I would like to give you advise, but it's not going to sound like support. Basically, your ex, Scott, is correct in calling you a liar.
Lie #1. You and Scott were probably having some problem when you decided it was easier to have a fling with "Mr. Whoopie" rather than deal with it. If you really wanted the relationship to work, you would not have been overcome by the attentions of another person to relieve your anguish. If the problems were irrepairable, you would have ended the relationship before starting a new one.
Lie #2. When you did get back together with the ex, there was probably an insistance, if not an understanding, that you were not to have contact with "Mr. Married" again. You renegged on your end of the deal, because you thought it wasn't *really lying*.
Lie #3. You are lying to yourself. Scott seems like a decent guy, and he had some firm feelings of love for you. Feelings don't go away overnight, or they wouldn't be sincere. You then take those words and twist them around to assuage your guilt. His love for you cannot replace the trust he lost in you. That's what he's trying to tell you.
Lie #4. That's it...make him out to be the *bad guy* because he just may get over you when he's ready, even if YOU'RE not. Case in point: "I told him that I'm sure he wants to get over me and move on and he stated that he was not ready to do that and he would not go out with anyone that soon because he is not sure he is ready to let me go yet."
Lie #5. Well, maybe it's not a lie, so much as an exageration. You have not "ruined everything forever" as long as you learn something from this mess. And, your behavior is not "so unlike" you, but it's probably a little closer than you lead yourself to believe.
Now for the advise: Quit your lying and you won't be so confused. Be honest with yourself and others and you can begin to work on things as they are. It may not come out the way you want, but it will come out for the better.
Mimiche