SO dissapointed with myself!!!!
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| Thu, 07-06-2006 - 8:20am |
Hello everyone,
I just need a bit of 'comfort'...i'm not newly heartbroken...it's been just over 3 months. The end of the 3 months was marked ironically enough by his 30th Birthday!
Anyway, after all the cries, reading books, driving my friends bananas i'm in a good place now! (Thanks also to everyone on this board!) I couldn't do the NC at first, but i honestly realised it was the BEST thing ever. 1 week ago i was sitting down with a friend for lunch (having had my first HIV Test - i thought i was going to die of worry!)..and i realised that i was trully over the guy. Not seeing him and even accepting that he is with 'her' now was fine. I had my health, friends and a life ahead of me, full of opportunities.
But then i had that 'moment' on Sunday where i missed a strong pair of arms around me...so what do i do on Monday night 2am after way too much wine??? I TEXT THE GUY! WHY THE HECK DID I DO THAT? Why did i feel brave to talk to him again. But ultimately why did i WANT to talk to him again. He's moved on. So have i. But i haven't got anyone else and he does. (She doesn't live in the same town so i don't know what's going on there...)
Anyway, it ended with him coming over and staying the night. (nothing too serious happened). So next morning he left, we said goodbey and i thought: wow, can't believe that happened. We hadn't seen each other for 2 months and he came round. Felt ok'ish about it. Not extatic but ok. So last night i go out...and have a LOT of wine (Note: at this point i would like to say that these 2 nights out during the week was totally exceptional - i don't go out in the week at all, and some weekends neither!), right, so i have too much wine and i remembered how nice the cuddle was on Monday - so what does she do? SHE TEXES HIM AGAIN!!!! I can't believe i did it???!!! I knew that i wasn't missing him - just someone!!! He ended up coming round last night. But both being out and having had a few drinks, next minute when i asked him about his future plans and that i thought he'd better get a move on with a better job etc. he just flew off the handle and aske me who i thought i was to say these things....
well, that was it! All the anger about 'her' being introduced 1 month after our breakup to his parents abroad etc. all got said. Told him how he hurt me SO much and how dare he over react about this stupid thing i said, even though i was a bit sarcastic...when i've been nice throughout this whole breakup and he treated me like dirt!!!???
Anyway, no he hasn't changed. He never will. I don't want him back and he doesn't want me back either. He ended up staying till this morning - but oh man.....why did i get myself into this situation? Some of my hard work is down the drain because i cried infront of him. He saw he could still hurt me and i just feel really bad about it.
I want the upperhand again...where he's been texting me....stupid messages....and i'm the one sitting here thinking: hmm...i think you do miss me.....

rockchick_lestat...
First...Pianoguy likes your ivillage user name. There's an air of mystery connected with it. PG has an image of a woman wearing black leather pants, playing a guitar and also has 2 fangs coming out of her mouth!
ANYWAY...
2 Suggestions:
1. No more text messages...EVER! If you've truly moved on...they're no longer necessary!
Actually...further communication with the EX is COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY!
2. Convince yourself that there's somebody better out there for you. But realize that the only way you'll possibly find him is to make yourself visible.
Staying at home with a wine bottle won't help you at all.
Assuming that your H.I.V. tests come up negative, you now have the opportunity to try and find MR. RIGHT? If this is your TRUE objective...go for it!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy