So Embarressed, Need Kind Words to Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
So Embarressed, Need Kind Words to Help
7
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:40am

Well, I've posted here a lot in the past. Ultimately, my ex and I got back together again after 5 wks of No Contact. It was very mutual but I just shouldn't have and now I'm so embarressed and feel ruined.

He tells me he loves me so much, more than he will ever possibly love any other woman - that I'm the most special person and thing to him in all his life, that he wants me to be his wife and we would have beautiful babies. He said he wanted us to work and that no one is as beautiful, sexy and full of love toward him the way I am.

Well, I came right out with everything to my friends, saying we were gonna give it another go and although they had their natural and expected hesitations they wished me the best and agreed that my ex and I are, in fact, in love but have work to do. They were warm to him when he came by and supportive of me.

HE ... never admitted anything to his friends. He hid our dates from them. And in a flash he freaked out saying we were "impossible" and could never be together, that no one would ever accept it. He was afriad to tell his friends and I said he was a coward and it all just sounded pathetic because if you really do love someone you fight to be together. He couldn't say he didn't love me because he says he does, so much.

Well after that talk we stayed together and Wedensday we watched tv and played some games and he spent the night. Well Thursday we both go to this party, as do all our friends and half the town. He made it clear we had to be very "low key" and I understood, not too happy about it though.

When I got there with my friends he came over almost immediatly to say hello and chat and then went back to his friends - which was fine. However as the night progressed he was more and more obnoxious and drunk. He would come over and talk about how this girl he used to see before me who was there, about a sexual act she did for him when they were dating . He barely came over after that to talk to me . FInally, when my friends and I were waiting to be seated for dinner he passed by on his way to the bathroom and was so obnoxious. So I couldn't take it any more. I was upset and hurt to be totally ignored, and I had a bit to drink as well so it was of course heightened.

He said that this was it, he couldn't see me again. Then starts saying how beautiful I looked and then flipped back to "no more" and good bye - right in public in the middle of a party. He was rambling and rambling about personal things and I was tearing up - he was aware and he kept going so...I threw my drink on his shirt and told him to "go %^&* himself" and ran out of the restaurant to this street hysterical crying. I didn't know what to do because I felt choked. He brought up all this stuff that he and I had resolved. I couldn't even breathe and all I felt was anger and desparation.

Minutes later his brother and GF found me on the street and insisted I go with them. I said I couldn't and it was wrong and they kept saying they were my friends and care about me and to tell them what made me so upset. I said my ex would be so upset, they said to screw it because he is a jerk and to come with them.

We went to this other place in the town where they talked and talked with me saying my ex is such an &*(hole and jerk and they would never recomend him to any girl, that he has treated me like crap and should never go back to him, because I am better than him. Mind you, they didn't know before this that we were even seeing eachother. THey kept saying not to ever regret being with them and talking with them. They kept saaying what a great person and friend I am. What a position for them to be in!!!!!

My ex ended up stumbling in and told me off, yelling, in a bar, in public in front of his brother's GF and I that he and I were enemies and he hopes I cry forever because I am a manipulative ^&*(. He demanded we talk and I refused - I was scared.

He took his brother aside and was screaming at his brother. Later he found me again and insisted we walk and I did end up talking - in public. He is so screwed up. He loves me and I'm beautiful and too good for him and I would inevitably leave and its all just impossible. He was irrational and almost crazy. It was late by then and I needed to go home and it was dark. He was gonna let me go alone until I insisted he be a good person and walk me home.

All the way back he was flippng between loveing me so much and being with me and not. It was like he was having a conversation all on his own. Well he spent the night at my house. I got sick. We did not fool around at all, although he did try.

In the morning he left, while I was in the floor in the bathroom dry heaving. I called later that night because I ultimately felt partly responsible but he was an ass. He was out drinking again and said "only partly?" I said yes. He made a stupid joke about dry cleaning but then said he was going to throw away the shirt that I spilled my margurita on because he didn't want to ever see it again. He said "thanks for calling, bye." HE THINKS THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. I cant help but feel I started it by not jsut ignoring him too, but he kept going and going and was soooooo insensitive. How come he couldn't stop himself??? How come he couldn't jsut admitt we are together???

He and I are about 28 and I am a successful professional and most people think much more attractive than him. He is a professional but hasn't quite finished up his schooling to complete his masters. He drinks ALOT and he is soooooooooooo messy. I love hims o very much but now I am scared of him and half of me thinks he is now capable of either hurting himself or someone else in a rage.

I do feel partly responsible but I'm so low now. He hates me so much and I'm sure he is mad at his brother. His poor sweet brother who really does care about people's feelings.
I called and left voice mails for his brother and GF to thank them so much for taking care of me and said I totally understand them not calling me back... which they didn't.

HOW DO I ACT WHEN I RUN INTO MY EX, inevitable that I do ebcause we live down the street from eachother and in a big bar town?????

It was my ex's b-day yesterday. NONE of his friends knew about us. At least he is now caught as the lyer and pansy he is???? How can someone be so cruel?

Please, any kind words for a monday morning????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 1:52pm

You sound like a beautiful, strong and intelligent woman. Why do you let this guy bring you down? You deserve respect. I know that you are feeling low. Of course you feel secure with this guy because the two of you have some history. But, there is a point where you need to say enough is enough and move on. He is not treating you well. Go back and read your own post. Act like some other woman posted it and think if that is the type of man you would want to spend your life with.

I am going through a terrible time right now in my recent break up. I loved my ex with every ounce of my being. I gave him everything I could. So I know how you feel and how attached you must be, but you need to realize that a man who calls you those names and blames you for HIS behavior(whether provoked or not) is no man you need to be with.

Get away from him fast. The sooner you do, the sooner you will find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:10pm

Thank you. Yes, I am done and will not allow myself to have anything to do with him because for the first time ever I consider him a sort of monster.

What I am now trying to get beyond is a feeling of embaressment and shame because of the other night. Had I ignored him, nothing would have occured and he probably would still be coming over and hanging out with me, going on dates, etc. HOWEVER, if it didn't happend that night it would most certainly happen another night down the road.

Considering evrything, I think he should be the one to feel the "shame" from this and the embarressment, right? What a waste.

To you, I know how you feel. My situation may differ in that he kept coming back to me and I kept recipricating and going threw his moods and episodes. The best period of time was out 5 week of No Contact. I truly did miss him but I truly felt strong and empowered because I was surviving and doing things to better myself. I am going to begin again the NC and will be ok, I believe this.

Stay strong and do NOT go back to your ex. However much it hurts and feels like there will never be the same connection in the future, I believe that is a hoax and that better things are all to come. We have to believe that and take steps toward acheiving it.

-isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:42pm
I know it's hard but you just need to cut all ties with this man....if he is too chicken to even admit to his friends that you are dating again, then he doesn't deserve you.....it seems to me like he is only using you and you deserve much better.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 9:33am

Thankyou. You are right.

FIRST, about the symbols and language - I am so sorry if I offended anyone. I was trying to exemplify the extreme nature of that night's interactions. I will not do that again, even if it was what was in fact said. Again, I hope I did not offend anyone.

EEKSJ - I will never go back to him. Its finally crystal white clear that there is nothing he offers to me that is positive enough for us to build a meaningful and fulfilling future together. Maybe he knew that all along and that was what he was talking about when he said we were "impossible." I will never know because his communication skills are about as good as a manicure on moving day.

Its not that I did not expect this to happen, I just didn't expect the severity. I was just hoping for the best and giving it a last shot. I do know, solidly, now that I am done with him and I'm actually feeling excited and READY to go out and meet someone.

I dont feel lilke I'm wondering about him - I feel like I'm wondering about who is next to come into my life. I want to be with someone who could be a potential life partner, a husband, a healthy soul, and a friend.

I do feel embarressed still but today feels better than yesterday. I had a wonderful jog after work. Its amazing how exercise really can do a face lift of a person's mood. I woke up refreshed this morning.

Its good to know someone can relate to this. Truth be told this ex is only one of two real and serious long term relationships I have ever had in my 28 years. The first one was wonderful - my first love and we maybe had one fight in the two years that ex and I dated. Our breakup was totally me because I was still in college and felt I needed to date other men. We broke up peacefully and we do run into eachother randomly once in a while. I could never say anything bad about him and he wouldn't and doesn't about me.

How come one relationship can be healthy and right, and the next becomes toxic and dangerous?

I'm just going to take all of the lessons about 'bad love' from this past experience in order to see the signs and run if it should occur in the future with anyone else. Its so true, people dont change and you cant change them!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:50am

im happy to hear that you see things crystal clear now... honestly, you deserve much more. you deserve a loving relationship with a man who doesnt put you through such emotional rollercoasters; in fact, EVERY woman is worthy of such.

i understand how its so easy to fall back into a relationship with someone despite all rationality and common sense. its easy to let our emotions run high and lose perspective when all we do is love and hope.

however, at one point - there must come a time when we ask ourselves, "when is enough ENOUGH??" for you - by this fourth time - it should definately be enough!

although i have dated much, i too have had only two "serious" relationships and like you, theyve both been very different. the first is with the ex that i spoke about in my previous thread to you. although i shared many good times with him, and although we did care a lot about each other - he wasnt good for me. even though he loved me, - he put me through too much crap...i should have left him the first and second and third time - but i didnt... time after time i stuck it through; until one night - i snapped...and from therein, it was all about ME. leaving that relationship and moving past it is one of my biggest accomplishments. im proud of the personal growth ive achieved since then. i was young when i started dating him (i was 18 and he was 22) and now that ive gotten past the anger and despair, im actually thankful for the experience as it has made me much stronger.

my last relationship was my second "serious" one. this one was completely different. although i thought i was in love with that previous one - THIS relationship showed me what LOVE REALLY was. this ex of mine is a great man; he's turning 28 in a few months, has a great job, is intelligent, kind, caring, responsible, ...the list goes on. theres always that SOMETHING between us and its so hard to move on past that. with him, i saw worlds ahead of us; i was even willing to compromise my "life plans" to accomodate his - something i would have never imagined doing for anyone... i know my ex thinks the world of me, and i know that he sincerely cares about me. for whatever reason, however, he seems not to be able to "convince himself that itll work," and - now, we're parted. i cant even put into words how it is that i feel about him, how i much i admire him, and how much we share... it just breaks my heart and boggles my mind how i am to walk away from something SO great and something SO real...but at this point, i have no choice - i must move on..

mistakes are a part of life, no matter how much we hope to avoid them. and its alright to have been with the wrong person or made the wrong deicions - just as long as we learn from them...a mistake is a waste if there is no lesson taught. from this failed relationship, you can learn to identify what you do not want in a relationship, what the bad signs are, more about yourself, and take it as an opportunity to improve your overall being.

and youre right - you cannot change anyone. its funny because ive always known that my ex has "emotional issues," - i guess i just never figured he'd apply them to me... maybe i should take it as a complement that hes handled my relationship/breakup with him the same as he did with the one ex that used to intimidate me the most... ahh :(

ive come to conclude that there are three types of breakups. the first is the breakup that NEEDS to happen because the relationship is just BAD; an example of this would be yours...where the SO is not always the best for us, when the relationship is damaging to our personal selves, etc etc. in such a case, each partner must do whats best for themselves - and in this scenario - MOVE ON and seek for something we're WORTHY of. the second breakup is the, "we have a great relationship, but this is not IT." this occurs when two people have a great relationship and although the couple isnt bad for one another, it just isnt "IT." this happens when, for example - two people have two opposing life goals, or have grown apart from one another. once more, the two must MOVE ON and seek for something else that is just as good as that relationship was but IS RIGHT for them. and the last break up is the, "why are we breaking up!?" - which is what im going through now.. this occurs when all rhyme and reason points to being together because the relationship IS good and IS right - but for whatever reason it is, parting ways is occuring nonetheless. in this situation, there is no "understanding" to be gained, but rather, the only thing that is important is realizing simply that its OVER and for that reason in itself, we must MOVE ON.

irregardless of the breakup, the partner, and the relationship - this is a painful process... and although i HATE such sayings (they drive me NUTS when i feel like THIS), but i guess its true... "what doesnt kill us will only make us stronger," and "the only way out is through."

anyways, im glad to see that your day is a little better.
keep us updated on your progress and situation,
eeksj!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:01pm

you deserve sooo much better and just from an objetive point of view not meant to hurt you, but for some reason it seems there was a lot of "drama" going on?? Is that something you were use to having in this r'ship? or did he bring the drama in and it pushed your buttons?

I was there over 10 years ago drama drama, back and forth in and out of the same r'ship.. since then I have taken care of myself and learned drama/passive aggressive,mean behavior are allsigns of a unhealthy toxic person.. I am not saying you did this sometimes people can push our buttons, (my last r'hip great guy but he was drama,) and you try so hard to be healthy but someone toxic comes along and just throws you for aloop..

i am not sure is this howyou are in r'ships too?or was this the first time you dated someone so toxic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 5:02pm

No, my last relationship was just fine. No drama and only one real fight in the two years we dated.

My first boyfriend was also very warm and sensitive to my feelings. Considering we were dating from ages 18 - 20, thats impressive to me knowing what I know and went through with this recent ex, that a man at such a young age was so mature and even.

The drama to me is the love I felt.

Today is my birthday and last night my friends took me out for dinner at a local pub that also has live music after 10pm. It was a wonderful wonderful time and they really spoiled me and so many people came out to hang out .

Anyway, my ex did show up there with a friend. He didn't know I would be there but I sort of thought there would be a chance I would run into him that night. I didn['t plan anything of the sort as in seeing him. Its a small town and this pub is EVERYONE's favorite PLUS its big enough that we wouldn't have to be constantly confronting eachother, which is exactly how the night went and after the first 15 minutes passed from when he arrived, my jitters went away and I relaxed and had a great time still. I didn't casually walk anywhere near where I suspected he was parked in the bar.

HOWEVER, he did at one point have to walk by me and finally said hello. He knew it was my bday but all he said to me was, "hi." He kind of was a little stupidly flirty and then said, "I see you are enjoying your alcoholic drink." Then giggled and walked off. WHAT???? I didn'[t really respond because I was just put off.

See, he called me thursday night and he and I talked for a while. I told him I thought he was an alcoholic. He didn't like that. I ended up apologizing for the comment. Both he and I drink a lot. The difference is he gets angry and very very drunk sometimes, which is thhe point where all of our fights whhen over the hill.

I do really miss him but I do reall want a solid and healthy relationship which is what I am really praying for.