so the ex and i hung out....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
so the ex and i hung out....
15
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 9:58am
"is it alright if i come to jess's party?"--that was hte phone call i received friday night. jess was turning 23. a mutual friend of ours sent out an evite for a birthday party and we both responded with an affirmative.

but then the ex had to call me and ask me, if i would mind, would it be awkward? i said no, i didnt care, he could do whatever he wanted.

so he came.

and you know what everybody? i feel f*cking GREAT. because i realized i REALLY dont want to be with him! i desperately needed last night to happen...because...all of my memories of him were so golden. i couldnt look back on the bad times and say "what an ass". but just seeing him last night...wow....i mean i dont even KNOW what happened to teh sweet, funny boy i fell in love with around this time last year. so much has changed. he's become so completely self-absorbed, and he didnt even look that cute last night either lol.

why did he come to the party? he's not a close friend of jess. he knew the only people he might know at that party would be ME and MY friends. in fact, jess is 1 of MY friends more than she is his, we're in the same group of girlfriends. so why did he come? to test the waters? to make sure that we didnt all hate him? to appease his own guilt? probably. because he sure as hell didnt seem interested in talking to anybody besides me at that party. so he came to see me, and to see my group of friends, to see if we hated him, to see if he could still be accepted among us. it was selfishly motivated.

he was nervous talking to me...i could tell...he was unsure how to act. he didnt want to be flirty or affectionate. he dint want to be too sincere for fear we might end up having a conversation about "us". he didnt knwo where the balance was. so we just caught up on the past 4 months.

i was totally cool. i was nice to him, i made jokes, and most importantly, i held my tongue whenever i wanted to say something mean. i was mature.and all said and done it was really great to see him. i had missed him. he's a good guy. and you know what else? we can be friends. because my feelings for him are not really existant anymore...

there were points where i felt like i wanted to kiss him, because i am attracted to him, my body recognizes him as familiar and i do honestly like him even though the nature of those feelings have changed. there were ponits when i felt like i really wanted to say something about us, tell him i hoped he wasnt walking home thinking everything was copacetic, tell him that although we had a nice evening, i certainly didnt forgive him for the way he's made me feel about myself, and for how HARD the past few months have been.

but i realized it would have done more harm thangood to say anything. and we didnt have to get into that conversation anyway, because he had enough to say.

i am not in love with him. i dont want to be with him. i can obviously do better because he's so confused about himself and his life and i dont need that. and i definitely think i was more comfortable and cool with last night than he was.

so im finally ready to close that chapter in my life and move on. all of my lingering questions and fears are sortof...starting to pack themselves up and go away. i dont want to be with this person. and knowing that is a good thing.

he told me at the end of the night, that if i ever wanted to hang out, i could call him, and he gave me the tightest hug...and didnt let go for a while...and then turned around and walked home.

ironically, it was the exact same scene as the one that occurred on july 9th 2003. we had gone out, we had a great time, he walked me home, we sat on my stoop and talked, and he hugged me and left. nothing's changed but everything eh?

thanks for reading. and thanks for being there for me this whole time everybody. i feel like a ghost whose finished business has been taken care of and i can finally be at peace.

and its 10 am on a saturday? why the HELL am i awake? going back to bed...g'nite kids :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 6:44pm
I see what you're saying.

Although, When we did go to that movie just after we broke up, his cell phone did ring, and it was a girl.... he didn't hide it from me. It was this friend of his that I got crazy jealous over (long story, but i still think i had a valid reason to be pissed off at him for this). Anyways, she gave him a call, wanting to do something with him that night, but, obviously, he was out already, so he polietly said he'd call her back the next day. Of course i got jealous, but because we had only broken up 2 weeks or so prior to that, of course there were still feelinging lingering for him.

Throughout our relationship, we'd constantly try and make each other jealous, i'll be the first to admit. We'd just say cheeky things, and try to get each other going, because it was funny. Needless to say, the funny factor went away once I got serious about being jealous of that girl. He couldnt stand the fact i was jealous of her, and he got tired of explaining himself to me. I see his point. He still fails to see mine. He doesn't understand why im so jealous over her (i can explain if you really want/have the time to listen).

Anyways, Yeah, meeting with him, and hanging out with him as a friend is no where in my books in the near future, however, I can talk to him freely on msn, and over the phone with no problem. Like i've said, i've come to accept the fact that he can see someone else (even though he's not, but it helped me get over him). I've reached closure with the break up, although i'll never understand why it happened, and how we let it get to that point. I'll never understand his reasons for doing it, but it's not up to me to understand. All that matters, is that i've done whatever I could to try and save it, and to be with him. And now that I don't have him, I'm relizing there were more things wrong with the relationship than i wanted to see when i was in it. Sure, i'm unhappy im without him, i'm miserable i lost my best friend of 2 years, i'm sad i don't have him to come home to anymore. BUT, with all that in mind, i'm happy i can meet other guys, i'm excited to see who i'll end up dating next, and i'm comfortable with my current situation. I don't need him to be happy, and i'm seeing that now.

He's not a liar, a cheater, he's not mean, and i'll never ever call him a jerk. He can be insensitive at times, but he tries. He would never do anything to purposely hurt me, and he knows how hard this has been on me.... he didn't take it too lightly either. Point is, what's done is done, and we can't change it, and i don't think either of us wants to now. We can however, try and get back that "almost normal" friendship we once had, although we never really were "just friends." But we can try and start from scratch, and move forward slowly. Its not impossible to be friends with an ex, although it is something i prefer not to do, and haven't wanted to do, up until now. Sure, a part of me may always wonder what if, or hope we'll get back together, but that will fade as time goes on, and when i meet new people. Likewise for him. It's not easy just to drop out of someones life you've been a part of for 2-3 years. Nor is it easy to try and get back in after something like this. But if we both want it, what's the worst that can happen? MY heart gets broken? it already was, and still is, but atleast I know how to deal with it. I did it before, I can do it again, if i must. But for our friendship, if it means as much to him as he says it does, it's something i'm willing to risk, regardles of what's happened, and what he's done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 7:43pm
Sorry cos, my message was geared more towards ace. You sound kind of offended with what i wrote.

Everyone is different in the way they handle things, and you really might be ok with limiting your friendship to just instant messenger and talking on the phone, but, the best and hardest advice that i ever got was to have no contact (whenever remotely possible-i understand that's hard to do in job situations or if children are involved) whatsover. I didn't want to hear it either. I thought I could do it. Please take this with a grain of salt, I really do not want to offend you. I really learned the hard way and didn't take my friend's advice, and of course hindsight is 20/20. Of cours i can look back now and see my mistakes, but I was very defensive with my friend when he tried to tell me that although he understands just how terribly painful it is to lose someoene, that to remove them from your life, at least in the short term, is the best route to go. Believe me when I say i know how hard it is to give someone up who you were best friends with. I am by no means diminishing your pain or making light of your's and ace's situation. As always in any situation you have a choice. I really do hope yours works out for the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 8:08pm
Congratulations!!! This is a giant step and I'm so glad you shared it with us so we can celebrate with you!!! I think you're in the final strech of the healing....doesn't it feel great?? Keep up the good work and great things will happen!!!













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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 10:05pm
yes i know

i was just stating that its possible to be friends so soon after and blah blah. thats all. I didn't mean to come off as offended either. And i know your post was geared towards ace.

I also agree that no contact is good too, especially for someone who's still got feelings for their ex. But i think ace was just saying that after seeing him, she didn't feel anything. She didn't get those "rush" of feelings back, and she didn't "feel" anything for him. And that's a good sign, showing that she's getting over it.

If she wasn't on the right track to getting over him, she probably would have broke down and cried, or gotten so angry that she screamed at him or whatever. But judging by her actions, And how she "bit her tongue" when she was talking to him, i'd say she's doing very well, and if she chooses, she can try to see him on a "friends only" basis.

But i do agree no contact is the best thing for someone still trying to get over their ex. That's all. I was just throwing my 2 cents in saying its possible to be over them, and still get jealous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 9:43am
hey everybody--thanks for your responses. i've been away for a week which is why i havent posted, there's so much to catch up on everybody's lives!

cosmo i think you were right to tell your ex you couldnt be friends right away, its unfair of him to expect that of you, and its not possible to just make that transition overnight. happysea girl, my ex was not at the party with a girl, even if he had a new gf he's not that tactless lol. but you're also right that there's this tiny, teeny part of me who wishes things could go back to the way they were, that the guy i once knew and loved woudl resurface and everythign would become wonderful again.

i dont think my ex and i can be very best friends tomorrow. its just not possible.

but we're taking baby steps towards being able to be friends, if that makes sense. cosmo, you're absolutely right about my not gettin g the rush i used to get upon seeing my ex. i mean, i used to love the smell of his cologne and the warm softness of his skin, and when he hugged me, and when i smelt it, i didnt care...i was totally unaffected. i think if i WAS emotionally overwhelmed by teh situation i definitely would have picked a fight with him or something, but i didnt find it too difficult to keep my mouth shut cos i kept thinking... "WHO CARES?" like, whats the point of making an issue of this, the stakes are so low, and it would just create tension.

i am definitely on my way to getting over him.

but there's still room in my life for the man i used to love. and until i recognize that that person no longer exists i cant be hanging out/talking to my ex.

but you know what--it feels SO good to know that i CAN. it feels good to know that now that the ice is broken, i could im him on aol, or email him with my new address after i move, and he'll respond, and it'll be okay.

i dont think im over him. definitely not. but im getting there.

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