So he called me tonight
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| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:31am |
So my ex called me tonight like he said he was going to. I was anxious all day thinking about it. We had a pretty good conversation. We talked about lots of different things and he told me he missed me and had been thinking about me a lot which is good. I was hoping that he still felt that way because then it might mean we still have a chance.
He asked me to go to a movie with him tonight. I told him I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, because last week when we talked he said that he wanted to stay broken up for now and not get back together until he has some time to talk to a counselor and start figuring stuff out.
I told him about going to my grandma's this weekend and all the plans I have made for the next few weekends. He seemed really disapointed that he wasn't involved in all of those things. He also made some comment about how I probably think he is the biggest jerk and I probably think that this is great having all this time to do whatever I want. Yeah right! This is just soooo fun for me. Whatever!
I told him that I didn't think it was great and that I'd rather be with him but he is the one that made the choice to stay broken up. Then he sarcastically said something about me going out and looking for "fancy haired" guys (thats what he calls preppy looking guys, which he is not). I told him that I wasn't going out looking for anyone and that I was using this time to figure stuff out for myself. I told him that this is what I have to do in order to not sit around and mope all the time.
None of this was said in anger by the way, he just said it sarcastically and jokingly. Sometimes its hard for me to figure out if he is being serious or not, but it felt like he probably was. I do think he really was thinking those things.
I just feel like if he wants to hang out with me so bad and call me all the time then why doesn't he want to just get back together?! He wants all the things of the relationship but just doesn't want to call it that. It doesn't seem fair to me. I think it just puts me more in limbo.
So, anyway, I told him that I had to think about this movie thing and I would call him later. He seemed sad by this. I told him that it wasn't because I didn't want to see him or that I didn't love him but it was because if we are going to be broken up then we need to act like it. So yeah, now my delima.... I don't know if I should go to this movie with him. I really do want to see him and I miss him a ton and still love him and want to get back together but I'm not so sure going to a movie is going to help things. I don't want to give him the idea that its ok for him to not call it a realationship if he wants to still do those same things. But, I'm also worried that if I don't hang out with him that he will think I don't want him back. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. On one hand, I really want to go and on the other, I feel like I'm playing with fire if I do. I need help!

I know it's really tough, but I please don't go out with him. It seems to me that while he doesn't know what he wants, he expects you to be waiting while he figures it out.
I've recommended it before on these boards, but try reading He's Scared, She's scared. It's all about being in relationships with committment phobes. I had to skip to the end and read about surviving these relationships as mine just ended, but the one thing the book stresses is that you need to take care of you. Sure you love him and yes he has problems, but that's not your concern. It also stresses that the reason committment phobes can walk away so easily is they always believe they can walk right back and you'll be waiting.
He needs to work on him and you need to take care of you. If he follows through on getting help then maybe you can take a chance, but it seems from what you've said that nothing has changed.
I know it's tough, but try to be strong and know that there are alot of us in the same boat and maybe we can give strength to each other.
I talked to my mom about all of this today and she thinks that if I don't go to the movie with him tonight that I might be pushing him away. Ughh.... this is so hard. I really do want to see him and if I don't go I know that I will feel sad. I just don't want him to think that its ok to act like its a realationship but just not call it that.
It has been over a week since I've seen him or talked to him. When we were a couple we talked every other day and hung out all weekend long and at least once during the week. So part of me thinks that if I go out with him once a week and not anymore than that, it would still send him the message that I want this to work out, and I'm not pushing him away but that we are not a couple and won't be doing more things until he starts to figure things out.
To be fair, he really hasn't had time to see a couselor yet because he just made the decision to go last week the day before he left for a fishing trip to Canada. He just got back yesterday. So I know that if he goes to see someone it would probably be next week at the earliest maybe even the week after. So I can't really say that he isn't trying just yet. What to do, what to do....
I really feel for you. This is a dilemma and a tough choice. The way you described your phone conversation seems very reasonable to me. You were very clear with him about how you feel. You seem to be very clear with him about what you want and need. He seems to me to be playing games with you. Like you said and seem to understand, he wants to be able to see you occasionally (once a week?) but not call it a relationship while he figures out whether or not he can be with you.
I've been off the boards for about a week so I don't know if I read your initial post. I don't know how long you were together and when/why you broke up. It would help to know that. But even not knowing that, I can understand why you would want to go to the movies with him. I think if you want to go you're going to go, no matter what anyone says. But I also think there's no easy answer here. If you don't go, you'll feel bad. If you do go chances are you'll feel bad as well.
What I wonder is why you are scared to push away a man who has basically left you. He should be the one scared about pushing you away. Your focus seems to be a bit skewed. He left you. It's not fair of him to expect you to sit around waiting for him to change his mind. Someone who loves you and cares for you would not act that way. He's being selfish.
Hi,
I'm in limbo land too. Maybe you should read my post "forgive or forget" I have a similar situation and don't know what to do either. We are planning on spending the long weekend together camping at the beach. The trailer is already down there and I was really looking forwad to this. But I also feel like wtf you are sending me such mixed messages. I am pretty deeply hurt and don't know how I'm going to feel this weekend, maybe resentful, definitely confused. Should I subject myself to that ? She doesn't want us to date other people and she want's to continue to see each other.
Don't know what you should do but it sounds like he is still very attached. Maybe you go with your gut? thats what I am doing, I have a lot of time invested and don't want to just through this away. But this is making me crazy. Maybe we both just need to be patient not put up with unacceptable behavior and know what our boundaries are.
I really hope things work out for both of us.
Jack
It is a dilemma, that's for sure.
We broke up because he isn't sure he wants children someday and I do. Even though he is the one that did the actual breaking up, it had been on my mind for a long time. I just wasn't ready to do the breaking up yet. I wanted to give it more time. But the problem is, I don't know if I would ever have been ready. So, in lots of ways it was a mutual decision yet one neither of us wanted to make. We both want to be together and have a future together, but I have told him over and over that I can't marry him until he decides if children can be in his future. Its a really tough situation because that is really the only major reason we broke up. There are smaller issues there as well but ones that we could potentially work though without breaking up.
So, the reason I'm worried about pushing him away is because we didn't end this relationship because one of us isn't sure how we feel about eachother, it was simply because he can't seem to come to decision on a major life changing event that would affect both of us. Regardless of whether we end up being together forever and he decides to have kids or not, I do think that we will remain friends. I realize that two weeks is not enough time for him to decide to have kids, especially if he hasn't begun the process of working with a counselor to figure out why he can't make decisions. Its just hard for me because for some reason he feels like he can't do that as a couple, yet he still calls me and wants to hang out like couples do. To me, that feels like we should just be together. So that is the main problem. I feel like we should be together and work though this, and he feels like its too soon, yet still acts like we are together. I haven't made up my mind on wether I'm going to go or not, although I'm leaning more twords going now because I still want to be his friend no matter what happens between us. I just know that right now, its hard to stop thinking of him romantically when I still think we have a possible future together and that worries me a little. Life can be really unfair sometimes.
Jen
Edited 6/30/2006 3:57 pm ET by jfur5